on showing up & creating boundaries

i've been thinking a lot about this post that kelly rae roberts wrote on abundance. how we all deserve it. but how we also have to ask for it & then show up and do the work for it. i've also gotten to a point in the artist's way that's all about pushing through our creative blocks and simply showing up daily to ourselves, our work, our dreams.

it's obvious & terribly true that showing up consistently is the kind of practice that turns distant hopes into present adventures. it's also the kind of practice that i've never felt more excited to do. and--that i've never done so easily.

why so much resistance to doing my work? is it laziness? lack of passion? lack of talent? no...not at all. it's stress about my adequacy and value. stress born from fear & resentment. stress that i'm slowly chiseling away at through tiny consistent steps of authenticity, trust, and ownership. ownership meaning: a recognition that this is my life--my very own and only life to live--and it's my choice if i'm going to carry myself as if i own my decisions and future, or as if the judgers, the nay-sayers, the well-intentioned-but-out-of-touchers--the others--do. i'm learning that owning my decisions is the bravest thing i can do--and no decision i make will be unforgivable. especially the ones that are honoring my truth. the same is true for you.

more & more, i'm allowing myself to trust that my decisions are valid despite those who disagree with them. i'm awarding myself the necessary space to be able to carry forward on my path without inviting in the hurt of those who don't support me. and in this, i'm stumbling upon another terribly obvious truth: it's a suicidal idea to give permission for haters (who for various reasons, still matter in your life) to enter your dream-sphere and hate on your dreams and what you're doing to reach them. you are much better off creating a safe and stalwart boundary between dream-haters and your dream-sphere. this is sacred stuff, people! it's totally okay to only let those in who will honor and respect your dreams.

so i'm in the process of learning how to protect my dreams without hating myself for not being 100% transparent with all people (a trait i value). let me tell you--it's been a strange but MAGICAL transition. it's helping me find the juices i need to bolster my authentic bursts. it's helping me walk my path. it's helping create positive emotional space that can make way for trust and courage, instead of constantly having to hold the anxiety of dodging bullets or patching up cuts & blows.

part of my journey toward abundance--with creativity, money, community, dreams--is about recognizing that it's a sacred and personal process that not everyone is allowed in on. part of my daily work, my showing up, must be about maintaining safe boundaries around my dreams. and as i slowly do this work--as i carefully weed out the haters--i'm beginning to find myself amidst a tribe of supporters who are willing to walk with me taking small steps, dream with me open-heartedly, and show up to the truth. no matter what it looks like or how it sounds. this is definitely something i'm willing to work for.

thoughts on the potential of knowing

there's so much i understand but don't know. i do know that knowing comes from real-life experience, from learning by doing, from acting through fear. realizing this brings me terror and awe. it's so simple, but so hard. (i have an endless fear of where i'll land if i actually know. know that i'm enough, know that love is the greatest power of all, know that dreams are beyond possible).

in a era of much uncertainty, i think the best i can do is develop a world-view that's real for me, that keeps me grounded in my own version of truth, that's rapidly adapting to the changes of the day. perhaps all we can know is what we know for ourselves. what pieces of glass we've rolled over with our hearts--which ones have punctured us and which ones we've been able to avoid. we must travel--ride along that road of shards sparkling in the sweltering sunlight--where, with each flat tire and swerve to safety, we begin to move from understanding to knowing. even with hearts full of fear, eyes stung by sweat and an unknown destination ahead. we never get to knowing without going through something.

i must admit, though, that i often stop myself from "going through something" because i'm afraid of a million things. that stopping doesn't serve me. what do i know then, but my own fear?

but there's a way that stopping does serve me, because what's also hard about knowing is it isn't always fun. there's a lot of knowing that's really hard--like people aren't always good, things don't always work out, and i'm not always brave. who wants to know that?

like my first sentence: there's a lot that i understand but don't know. another one of those things is this:

with every knowing that unfolds there is an opening born that makes way for a new knowing to unfold. that knowing could change everything about the previous knowing. so even when we think we've been through it all and we really, sincerely know, we could be just moments away from an experience that changes everything. if only we can bare the courage and flexibility to keep our hearts open to truth.

tonight i'm wondering where i would go if i really believed that i know all i need to know in this very moment of life. what would i do? who would i say yes to? how would i feel? would i last?

would you?

where is it? i wonder.

the connection between stories of

me and stories of

you. the link between

emancipation of

self and

emancipation of

all humanity. the

peace-treaty between

artist and activist.

here. in

me. in

us. in

unraveling and

restitching. in

noticing our

inextricability. in

claiming it. in

owning it. in

walking together

with it. in

dancing.

songs for a better mood

(a compilation made by friends via facebook status request)

1. Ella Fitzgerald - Blue Skies
2. Mary J Blige - Just Fine
3. Joe Cocker - You Are So Beautiful
4. The Coral - Dreaming of You
5. Jackson 5 - ABC
6. Andrew WK - I Get Wet
7. Italian Silliness
8. The Beatles - Here Comes the Sun
9. Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
10. Donald Duck Silliness
11. Twista - Sunshine
12. Martin Sexton - Where Did I Go Wrong?

please, do tell, what tunes do you turn to when you're having a really crappy day? these made me so so happy. i'd love if you shared more!

things i noticed today

i notice you.

i notice the way no one dares to make eye contact on the Metro.

i notice the tension on my brow.

i notice the dirt underneath my finger & toenails returns time and again no matter how often i maneuver it out.

i notice the untold story that explains why you're acting this way.

i notice the dreams you're afraid to admit, afraid to believe in, afraid to pursue.

i notice all the ways that i'm just like you.

i notice the moment i should've just swallowed my pride, dropped my ego, and moved on.

i notice the moment i could've spoken out, but didn't.

i notice my fear

i notice my body

i notice the fan on my face when i'm not really that hot.

i notice the way i postpone joy, for when i'm ready for it then--not now

i notice my writing and all the ways it feels flat to me

i notice my impatience for self-hate, but my trouble shaking it

i notice the constant pang in my stomach that's been going for 3 days straight.

i notice how i was just like you 5 years ago

i notice injustice

i notice fatigue--in myself and others

i notice tension

i notice exploitation--although i notice it better when it's happening to others

i notice opportunity

i notice problems with both easy and trying solutions

i notice racism and sexism and agism and classism and ism ism ism ism

i notice hunger in my belly right now

i notice how i compare to others in my own strange system of correctness

i notice where i have glaring holes in my personality

i notice where i don't fit in

i notice where i want to belong

i notice when the birds sing

i notice the sound of stillness

i notice who is being authentic, sincere, true-blue

i notice that i'm not good at seeing when someone is playing me

i notice green, orange, and yellow

i notice the feeling in the room

i notice when it's time to leave

i notice when you don't know what to say

i notice when i say too much

i notice that we're both hurting, both trying, both changing because of it all

i notice inequality

i notice the power of love

i notice how you hug me in the mornings, how you've never had people who believe in you and accept you like we do, for being just as you are this very minute

i notice our inevitable imperfections

i notice the way we make things ugly

i notice how nature takes the blow daily, and still looks beautiful all the while

i notice the dark and lonesome moment just before trust

i notice possibility

Dreams - Mary Oliver

When the rain is over

I go to the woods.

The path is a swamp, the trees still dripping.

And the creeks!

Only last week they poured smoothly,

Curled like threads about the mossy stones

And sang with the voices of birds.

Now they are swollen and driven with muds and

ambitions.

They gallop and steam

As though, crazed by this week of rain,

They sense ahead--and desire it--

A new life in a new land

Where vines tumble thick as ship-ropes,

The ferns grow tall as trees!

They remind me of something, some other travelers--

Two great-uncles who went west years ago

And got lost in Colorado

Looking for the good life.

I have a picture of them; each is smiling,

Glad to be young and strong.

But you never know, traveling, around what bend

The dreams will curve to an end,

And what will happen then.

It was a long time ago.

Still, watching the tame creeks boil away,

My heart in sympathy pounds like a quick hoof.

I think with pride of my uncles who went west

Full of hope and vision;

I think they became healthy as animals, and rich

as their dreams

Before they turned some corner and became

Two graves under the leaves.

what would help my art & heart

a scanner that works with my computer

the music from my old computer transferred to my new one

a SLR camera

a job where i'm not being financially exploited (big time)

a vacation in the woods near a waterfall

a night of live-music soul pouring

someone who gracefully lugs half of the crap in my apartment to goodwill

peace with my parents

a sage to sit with me and tell me everything is going as it should

an art session a day

hammock lounging

a magical package of good books, magazines, movies, albums, coffees, dried flowers and dark chocolate

a pair of shorts that aren't for playing soccer in

a clean desk

brightly painted walls and natural sunlight

courage to take the necessary steps

faith that the rest is coming to me

a studio

lots and lots of love

people to play silly games with

photographs in print

roaring laughter

One Year Later

When I graduated from college back in May '09, I felt hazy about what I would do next. Except when I looked at things from the angle of what I wouldn't do. My internal dialogue sounded something like this: I won't sell my soul and spirit to the 9 to 5 convention. I won't drive myself into the ground with commitment and responsibility to something I'm not passionate about. I won't get the job that sounds good but feels miserable... I won't, I won't, I won't!

Thinking about it now, it reminds me of a scene from the movie Milk when someone confronts Harvey Milk about running such a negative campaign. Milk is told (I'm paraphrasing), "You don't win campaigns by pointing out everything that's bad or by saying what you won't stand for--You win campaigns by creating an inspired vision--something people can hold onto--something people can have hope in and stand behind and fight for--not against."

So I have a secret to share: I've been tossing around ideas. Big ideas. Big, inspired, juicy, exciting ideas. And I've been having these moments of truth where I find myself asking: Why not jump in and get messy with what I love? What do I have to lose? How bad could it really get? Maybe my resistance (and the tug-of-war I have with it) has created just the right combination of space and obligation. Maybe I could really pull it off--a life of authentic pursuit, not just a life of authentic resistance.

Unfortunately, I think we all might be able to guess what my gremlins have to say about my big, juicy dreams...

If you begin working for your own inspired vision you will fail, hate it, suck at it, or die from it. Plain and simple. This is not a laughing matter. Why are you chuckling? YOU SUCK! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO CHUCKLE! (And I meant it... You will die).

Talk about a discouraging internal psyche! Whew! (And I apologize for the scary caps!) But it's the truth--we all have them. The monsters. The goblins. The internal pests that are trying to protect us from failure and scraped knees. The scary caps!

Still. There is another voice that's been nudging me lately. She is much kinder, and sounds something like this...

Apply for the grant. You have all the support you need. You are talented enough with so many beautiful ideas. Your work will make a difference AND you'll feel amazing doing it. Even if (when!) it doesn't go perfectly--you'll learn from it. It will be an important process. You can do it. You can do it. Do it, sweetie. You won't regret it!

So I thought I'd let you know where I am tonight. Somewhere in between fear and trust, with a heart that knows there is nothing authentic without both, and a soul that's hopeful for balance between the two. This is no easy place to be. It feels much like standing at a ledge and readying myself to jump. How will it feel? Terrifying like crashing? Or liberating like flying? Maybe a bit of both is necessary.

I'm mustering the courage to say it's almost time to find out.

What about you? Do you feel yourself teetering between fear and trust? Has your heart reconciled and learned to take leaps? I'd love to hear your story in email, snail mail or comments below. Truly.

And here's one for the big joyful wishes...

May you greet them each with deep trust and knowing, that all the right ones come true.

why we build the wall

this entire album is extremely powerful. the first of it's kind folk-opera called "hadestown". check it out!