being love

i wanted to write a poem about this history of love in my life
and i wanted the ending to be happy
you know... as if i'm at the end

which made me realize that the poem i needed to write
was much different than the poem i wanted to write

i need to write a poem about endings
which means i need to write a poem about beginnings
which means i need to write a poem about moments

but i don't know how to write a moment
because i barely know how to live one

because i'm wrapped up in the idea of i
and i'm stuck on the story of me
and i'm lost in the ego of alone

have you felt this way?

by which i mean, do you feel?
by which i mean, does your heart beat faster at the conduction of your thoughts
and do your thoughts lead you down paths to places
other than the present?

this poem is not a happy ending
because poems are not endings
they're not even beginnings
at worst, they're a saying
at best, they're a being

and i'm just trying to be true
trying to expose myself to you
trying to shed back the layers of story
and bring forth the moment in it's glory
but moments don't always feel glorious when we're caught up in feeling

do you remember how it felt to be broken?
do you remember how it felt to be born?
do you remember how it felt to be free?

are you longing for a feeling?

do you breathe?
do you bask in the sun?
do you sit with the wind?

i want to believe that my story has only happy endings
but what if i let my story fall away?

what if the wind and i are one?
what if my skin touches the sun just as much
as the sun touches my skin?
what if breathing is something that happens to me,
not something that i do?
what if i stopped trying to be true?

would a moment grace the page?
would words leave these lips?
would people hold each other?
would we forget?
by which i mean...would we awaken?
by which i mean...would we love?

What My Heart's Hoping For

ease 

[eez] –noun

1. freedom from labor, pain, or physical annoyance; tranquil rest; comfort: to enjoy one's ease.

2. freedom from concern, anxiety, or solicitude; a quiet state of mind: to be at ease about one's health.

3. freedom from difficulty or great effort; facility: it can be done with ease.

4. freedom from financial need; plenty: a life of ease on a moderate income.

5. freedom from stiffness, constraint, or formality; unaffectedness: ease of manner; the ease and elegance of her poetry.

What's your heart hoping to feel today? Permission to confess in the comments below.

"When you find it, you'll know"

It's what they say about falling in love. It's also true about falling into your work. And it's how I felt after Saturday night's Small is Beautiful Arts Festival--beaming with a smile that wouldn't smudge off my face even if I had tried, even as I was exhausted. So I let it stay. Why wouldn't I? 

I had found it--and it was just like falling in love.

There will be no closing the door to this power, I thought. Not without kicking and screaming and some seriously slammed fingers.

Next thought: Can I just host arts festivals for the rest of my life?

The short answer: Yes.
The longer answer: Hell yes!

This is my new practice, my new intention: Give up the ever-popular sob story of: My dreams are only reachable at the end of an uphill trek with countless obstacles waiting to throw me off course that I don't even have the balls to take the first step toward. (I've spent lots of time believing this story. We all know the paralysis it leaves us in).

And hold onto this:

Feeling infinite, empowered, and energized are bigger than any fear, doubt or obstacle. And infinity is happening right now. 

I can show up to it. I can show up to my power. I can show up to my True North and fly wild in it. Guess what? So can you.

We don't have to be made with a certain DNA coding to follow an authentic path. We don't have to be rich, or business-minded, or full of answers, or the holder of a certain degree.

We also don't have to cling to stories about ourselves that keep us small. We can be BIG. We just have to begin believing. And then believe some more. And finally believe until we've run out of space for disbelief.

Do not ask yourself
what the world needs.

Ask yourself
what makes you come alive,
then go and do that.

Because what the world needs
is people who have come
alive.

-Harold Thurman Whitman

What powers are sitting in you ready to be unearthed? How does your source of infinity come alive? Against all odds, your dreams are waiting. I'm throwing the towel in on waiting and giving my dreams an Unruly YES. Will you give yours one, too?

Trust, Gratitude & Inspiration Friday!

Today I'm trusting that this very moment is more than enough...that it's simply as good as it gets.
I'm grateful for all of the serendipitous connections that have been forming with people on the streets who share the same hope for connection and love.
I'm inspired by the way birds flock together. Their way of communication without saying much. Their way of taking care of each other. Deeply moving. 
And both inspired & grateful for quiet, perfect moments like this:

What about you, loves? What are you trusting, grateful for, and inspired by today? Do share... I'd love to know <3

(Modeled off of Brene Brown's brilliant TGIF.)

dreaming isn't dead

this movie changed my life when i was 15! so ~ are you a dreamer or what?

coming true

i rarely give myself the time or space to recognize the way dreams have manifested in my life... so just as i've created a new mondo beyondo list for 2010, i want to honor the way dreams are coming true in my life from last year's list that i created while taking jen lemen & andrea scher's fantastic e-course.

last time this year i was riding my bike up and down georgia avenue to silver spring from my little hippie co-op in petworth. bombarded by sexual harassment, unkind drivers, and emotionally paralyzing heat--i felt anything but safe in my new urban digs. 1 week after moving in, my car was stolen, and 2 weeks later a shooting on the corner of my block resulted in the erection of a blinding police light every single night for the rest of the summer.

it makes sense that one of my mondo beyondo dreams was to feel safe in my very own neighborhood.

but since then, i'm recognizing that some dreams live inside of other dreams. and while a year ago petworth was ridden with a bit more upheaval than i was used to, my wish wasn't for petworth to become a safer neighborhood (although that would be good for everyone). it was that i would feel safer. my dream about feeling safe was really my dream about feeling connected. to feel like a human amidst humans. and to feel love in that recognition...love that would protect me from harm, and hold me in peace.

today things aren't as grand as you could imagine -- i'm not throwing weekly cookouts with the neighbors or inviting myself in for a cup of tea -- but our next door neighbor kindly accepts the home-grown tomatoes that we leave for him, and friendly hellos are exchanged between all the people on the block. (a big improvement from last summer).

the dream that really unearthed was about recognizing our likeness as humans. seeing through race, upbringing, and even violence--into the core of what all living beings want: peace. then finding small ways to manifest it, if only in a smile or a kind wave hello.

i've found that even the smallest gestures can move mountains. without a doubt, when i'm truly present to other people--when i let my defenses down and offer true warm connection--the harassment i'm prone to experiencing when i'm feeling closed off diminishes in exceptional amounts, and i'm treated like a real live respected human being.

the golden rule still applies: treat others as you wish to be treated.

my wish to be safe in my very own neighborhood--to feel connection and love and recognition and protection and peace--has come true to the same degree that i've been willing to believe possible. that i've been willing to trust & hope for. that i've been willing to embody with my whole heart.

i have a feeling the same is true for most dreams--they're as grand and alive as you let them be. what do you think?

(ps-registration for the end of august Mondo Beyondo session is now open here! you will NOT regret taking this course. i promise.)

Mondo Beyondo 2010

live in a juicy orange vw van
camp @ the bottom of the grand canyon
let go of emotional story holding
live in italy again
open my own cafe with amazing italian cappuccino
work for myself in creative business
paint every day (even something tiny)
believe in our bike trip -- believe & trust my body and the universe
less fear
less anxiety
deep Presence
embrace my spiritual guru
make a mixed media mural
swim daily
stay in tree house hotels all over the world
make my own tree house to live in
build a home out of recycled goods
spend every day in the sun
wear dresses most days -- wear construction boots the rest -- or wear them both together all the time
get an SLR camera & love the experience of shooting with it
make art once a day
find a fast & easy way to share it
dare to make more mistakes
do something that scares me daily
learn Lakota
hitch a ride in every US state
get arrested for something worth it
be the change
embrace small steps in the direction of my truth
make forts out of sheets and read shel silverstein with a flashlight inside
hug a tree daily
shave my head
get a tattoo
attend a silence retreat
write music on guitar
learn how to play a jolie holland song
exercise daily
smile
love the moment
forgive
wake up to my ego so i can sink beneath it
accept ego in others without falling into it
believe this: i am enough. we are enough. we are whole. we are connected.
weekly yoga
lay in a field of flowers and listen to the crickets
grow japanese eggplant
make a creative living financially stable without buying into competition, greed or exploitations
learn to fly
go back to santorini & ride a donkey up the mountain at sunset
give away most of my possessions ... except my dresses :)
get a dress in every color from the thrift store
sleep under the stars monthly
take more risks
write every day
become a traveling art show
bring an instrument with us on our bike trip
make my own clothes
make a quilt out of old clothes that used to fit, then give the quilt to someone i love
listen to the tingle in my heart
give, give, give, give, give
breathe, breathe, breathe
surrender, surrender
surrender

(this year's list is really different from last year's... i love that. soon i'll write about what came into being from last year's list. it's amazing to see how much surfaced! :) until then.... what wild daring unfettered dreams is your heart hoping to release? make your own list. share it if you'd like. love it deeply. dreams are sacred. you are sacred.)

ps-click on the image to the right to learn more about mondo beyondo! :)

To see one's predicament clearly...

On the first day of Sociology 105: Social Problems, the professor asked the class to write a list of social problems in our notebooks, then circle the most pressing one. When he asked for students to share their opinions, common answers arose like homelessness, unemployment, drugs, hunger. Everything was as he had planned until my hand rose and out of my mouth came something that turned heads:
"Alienation."

"Uhmm.. sure. Yeah... mental health issues... that's good," the professor said, misunderstanding my remark.

I can't remember if I responded or not in the moment, but internally my mind raced. No, no. Mental health is something pinned on the individual. Alienation is a collective human experience -- one of the most painful and pressing of our existence. It's having countless ways to connect but feeling devoid of connection. It's existing cut off from our true selves, and therefore cut off from one another. It's believing that we're in this life alone and that our survival is completely up to us. As if we're not all going toward the same eventual end. As if we're not all hoping for the same things before we get there. As if we're not all present in this very single moment, capable of showing up for our own and each others big truths. Capable of making a better world to exist in.

The class moved on and alienation didn't come up for the rest of the semester. Years passed and I'd completely forgotten about what happened on the first day of Socy105 until I read this line in Eckhart Tolle's book, A New Earth:

Alienation means you don't feel at ease in any situation, any place, or with any person, not even with yourself. You are always trying to get "home" but never feel at home.

A heart-sinking feeling came to me as my eyes graced this line. My mind raced back to that day when I sat on that squeaky wooden chair and was quietly washed over by a feeling of alienation just as I tried to bring the very thing to light.

To this day I still believe that an inability to be present with one another is at the root of our social ills. There are cures and there are answers--things we each hold in our hearts when we slow down enough to listen for them--when we believe in our potential for progress and trust in Tolle's closing remark:

To see one's predicament clearly is a first step toward going beyond it.

recent mixed media creation

for jen, alyssa, and the man on the street corner

Jen always asks the best things of us, even when they're simple. Like feel free to send me your screen shot of you, or leave a link in the comments below. So this one's for Jen. Hey mama!

Last summer Jen shook so much truth into me that I didn't even know how to tell her, or really how to let myself hold it, how to let it sink in. But lately, I've been remembering conversations we had in her kitchen, things she said to me that I'm only now beginning to feel in my bones, not just understand intellectually.

"All over the world people are suffering a crisis of faith," she said to me. "We need it now more than ever as we begin to believe that our dreams matter. We can work ourselves to death crossing things off of our lists, but where's the joy in that? That's not much of a dream at all."

Last night after dinner I began feeling the painful anxiety of space--of a not-enoughness that's been surfacing right and left the past few weeks. As we were cleaning the final dishes, my good friend and housemate Alyssa and I got to talking. Alyssa's a beautiful woman who practices yoga and mindfulness regularly. I felt lucky to be sitting side by side with her, letting her wisdom seep into my tender places. Letting her tell me, "You're already whole. You're already whole." The conversation went from the ego, to transformation, to the oneness of all of life and how that applies to our lives--our very own suffering and joy.

"Remember what you said this past winter as you returned from your trip to Israel?" she asked. I looked at her cluelessly. "You said that you realized your life wasn't a puzzle that needed to be solved. It was a gift. A gift." I nearly gasped inside, tickled by how easily I had forgotten this realization--so thankful that Alyssa had reminded me of it.

Today I woke up smiling, kissing, feeling a sense of calmness as I began the day. I was ready to step into the day with awareness and connectedness. Walking to work from the Anacostia Metro station my morning aspiration manifested as a man passing by begin a conversation:

"You look mighty jolly today, miss!"
"I feel that way! How about you?"
"Oh I'm fine. Better now!... Hey--can I ask you something?"
"Sure thing. What's up?"
"How would you describe yourself in one word? One word."

Thrown off, I paused and began thinking of a million phrases but no single words, until finally it came to me:

"Connected." To you, to the earth, to the spirit of all living things, I thought. "How about you?"
"Understanding."

We exchanged smiles and both kept walking.

There are stories we tell ourselves about who we are, what we're destined for, what we're capable of and what we're not. But what people and experiences are teaching me over and over again is that we are already so whole, so ready to meet the vivaciousness of life, so primed for connection and love--if only we let our true selves shine--if only we honor our connection to life unexplained, imperfect, impermanent, but beautiful.

You're Invited!

I am SO SO SO excited to bring this event out to the world! I've been brewing up the idea of a Small is Beautiful Arts Festival for a few weeks now, and on August 21st it will be the first of a monthly series that I'll carry out until Brian and I leave for our cross-country bicycle adventure in April.

What is Small is Beautiful exactly?? A space for artists of all varieties who are just beginning (or who simply want to be part of an incredible community) to come out to the world embracing their artist. To start where they are... Small. (But really much bigger than they could even imagine). Raw. Honest. Beautiful.

So. What does that mean for the attendee, the evening, the festival?!

~Painting, Photography & Mixed Media Exhibits!
~Music & Poetry Performances all night!
~Zine, Card, Craft, Jewelry & Art Vendors!
~Wine, wine, wine!!! (Cash bar)
~Too much goodness to hardly handle.

Seriously.

An explosion of creativity, love & incredibly supportive vibes.

There's still space for vendors, performers, and exhibitors. Contact me ASAP if you're interested! (rachmddx@gmail.com or 410-206-9052). More experienced artists welcome, too!

I cannot WAIT to see how this emerges. It's going to be beautiful, magical, and simply irresistible (in a tingly tummy kinda way... you know the way... the uber connected humans kinda way... the true blue joy kinda way... )

Come! Bring a friend! Bring CASH! (You know, to buy art & booze). Bring love! (We can always use more of it). 

And click Attending on Facebook if you plan on coming :)


xoxo... hope to see you there!

Rejoice

My untrue thinking of the morning:

If I work 7 days a week for 12 hours a day I cannot fail. 

This thinking doesn't serve me...doesn't fuel the child in me that knows true success is born from true joy. It merely keeps me addicted to fear. (My fear tells me that I'm probably going to fail. But working to compensate my fear doesn't make the fear go away. It perpetuates its untrue truth.)

So I'm off! ~ To brunch at the Red Derby with my very best friends, which I almost withheld from myself this fine Sunday morning so I could work work work. I'm off ~ to rejoice in the only life there is!

Have you let fear take grip on your joy? If so, can we try breaking our addictions together? Starting now? In one tiny step? By playing?

TGIF ~ the Brene Brown model

There's this awesome woman named Brene Brown who researches vulnerability, courage and authenticity (I know, right!). Every Friday she practices Trust Gratitude Inspiration Friday on her blog. (Not that I've been reading it on my blogosphere hiatus or anything... Really!). So a few months back I watched her recently released DVD--Hustle for Worthiness--and absolutely loved it. Seriously important messages about shame versus guilt, love and belonging.

One thing that stood out in watching the film was this: In all the research Brene conducted, the people who had some form of a regular gratitude practice were also the people who were happiest. 

Really. Regardless of income, life situation or anything -- people who practiced regular gratitude were also people who proclaimed to feel more joyful than people who didn't practice regular gratitude.

I was really struck by this, and for a few weeks I began keeping a gratitude journal ~ writing all my thanks for the day every night before I went to bed. But with the combination of 3 pages stream of consciousness in the morning and a page or two of gratitude at night, I was getting a little journal-ed-out and eventually stopped.

I'm thinking it would be a really nice practice to take up again, but in a bit more moderation. The way Brene does it is she writes one thing she's trusting, one thing she's grateful for and one thing she's inspired by each Friday. I love this model so I'm going to try it on for size for the next week or so. If it fits, I'll keep with it.

Here it goes:

Today I'm trusting that all of the transitional havoc in the air is happening so that something more beautiful and true can be birthed ~ in my life and in the lives of the people closest to me.

I'm grateful for the long overdue financial reconciliation that's about to come to me. It will definitely help as I venture into a new and important adventure.

I'm inspired by the community at Bloom Bars ... especially this amazingly warm and encouraging woman who hosted the Open Mic last Monday night. An event I'll definitely be frequenting from now on! :)


What about you? Do share in the comments below.
xoxoxo

all i really want

is courage and trust to lie face to the sky
blanked by the enormity of love

to hold love higher than all the rest
higher than hurt
higher than loss
higher than fear
higher than certainty
higher than right
higher than wrong

all i really want
is to accept the way we are taken
on a daily unknown adventure
whether or not we ever learn to follow

all i really want
is to learn to love the plan i didn't make
the unexpected turn
the truth at the soul of the earth
that's been there longer than my mind can even
open up to

all i really want
from the bottom of this bursting heart
is to let go of having love
and learn to be it


how about you?

5 Reminders for Chillin' Out & Rockin' Out

(AKA 5 sentences where I use the word 'you' when I really mean 'I'):

You can only do one thing at a time well. Sure, we've all become multi-tasking masters in one way or another, but the truth is, to be producing our best work, one simple thing at a time usually does the trick.

This trickles down to when you're lying in bed just before sleep thinking of all the things left on your mile long to-do list (including all pressing life-matters, not just "work"... resolve emotional issue with so-and-so, figure out how to pay the rent this month, find faith, plan yoga lesson for students, create invite to arts festival....blah blah blah blah neverrr endinnggggg). If you want to fall asleep... peacefully... that brain drain of a to-do list needs to learn its place and bite the dust until tomorrow.

If you're worried that you just might fail at your biggest and boldest dreams, then you're on the right track. You're dreaming with your whole heart, against all odds, and that's how magic happens. It also means that the practical earth-beat in you recognizes that yeah ~ you will fail at some things. That's the cost of having dreams big enough to take over the entire world. They don't all manifest quite as you had planned or how.

Muster the faith to keep following that dream, even though it won't turn out exactly as you had planned on paper. After all, you're following the dream ~ the dream isn't following you.

Once last bit of advice:

When you're feeling drained, overwhelmed, stressed, or worried, the most important thing you can do to re-fill your spirit is dive into some old fashioned fun. Your spirit knows how to play and wants to! Play dress up, play Legos, play director, play chef, play nature-adventurer, play artist, play astrologist. Loosen that tight grip on all the worries and fears, and remember that truly, joy is all around if you wake up and say yes to it. If you would just let yourself play. Magic (and even your very best work) is born from energized spurts. And energy is born from FUN. Go on ~ I'm trying it, too!


Bonus: If you're not quite buying it, I got this super dose of truth about the secret to success in my Inbox this morning, and whoo! Danielle LaPorte don't mess around! There are some major ways that I could improve at walking the walk.

How to be Alone

(Or part of what I'm practicing as I break from internet over-consumption...)



Happy Tuesday! I'm feeling great, by the way. This stepping-into-the-scary-unknown-thing isn't all too bad when I'm actually doing it.

Go on ~ you can do it, too! Close the lap top, turn off the cell phone, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and let your mind ask this question:

What do I really want to be doing right now?

Then ~ take another deep breath, a small moment of realizing that no one will live that experience for you, and give yourself a big dose of self-love... just do it.

You can ~ promise...

xoxo

What Space Brings

Part of the reason why I'm breaking from Twitter, Facebook, and scrolling the blogosphere for a week is because of my tendency to consume when I'm too afraid to create. I believe in healthy balance. Healthy balance. And I'm ready to admit that allowing my brain to put it's blinkers on in the Twitter parking-lot for an hour of "rest" isn't re-revving my creative engine in quite the way I'd like to put on.

I think back to my childhood when I would exile myself from the blaring television downstairs and just sit on my bedroom floor ~ carpet fuzz and all ~ with nothing but myself and my very own imagination. I'd play dress up, give monologues in the mirror, and make up entire realities that existed nowhere but in my own world. I'd get a handle on my dad's typewriter, some bright neon paper, and start clicking away. Sing at the top of my lungs over the stairway balcony ~ flat, but happy. Cut old t-shirts into a hundred hearts and staple them to my jeans. Write on my walls and leave secret messages in my closet for new children to read one day. Paint murals with no rhyme or reason ~ just freedom.

It wasn't always pretty. In fact, it was usually all quite messy and unfinished. But it didn't matter. It was art and it was carrying me.

I know that childhood gets idealized a lot, and I'm not one for living in the past. But the thing is, the past can be like a compass to our journey. We're not stuck in stories of our pasts that don't serve us ~ but we can let stories that resonate deeper ... the ones that have consistently hummed with our passions and our hopes ~ we can let those guide us.

Tonight I went to Bloom Bars open mic. I sang a little song that I wrote while living in Italy. It had been at least a year since I let that song move through me. My rust showed a little, but it didn't matter. The child in me knew that there would be more nights for letting it all out, for showing the many sides of my soul, for freedom ~ even if it comes out a little flat.

And there are. That's what's beautiful about letting fear--and all the subtle distracting ways that it manifests--break through the looming clouds and just wash away. There's a new opening that emerges, a clearing, a space for sitting with nothing but carpet fuzz and imagination. I think the kind of art that saves is born there ~ somewhere in between itchy legs and a curious heart. The same art that carried me all those years as a kid, and that can carry me today, for as long as I let it.

Hello August. I love you.

I'm so happy that August has arrived. I've been making little sketches in my head of what August could hold... Like:

• one week without facebook, twitter or scrolling through the blogosphere starting ~today~! (by the way, i get a kick out of saying "blogosphere" in face-to-face life... like this: "i picked that one up in the blogosphere. *wink*" my friends always laugh when i say it. light-heartedness feels good for everyone involved).
  
• artist dates to places like bloom bars, the fridge, lake artimesia, ebenezers, ArtSpace, and my new neighborhood farmer's market.
  
• a new planting season of delicious fall crops (broccoli, brussel sprouts, lettuces, kales & more) ... perfect timing to replace our 15 blight-ridden tomato plants. 15! all sick with the blight! ~ thank god for new beginnings!
• a brand new mondo beyondo list!
• and my last few weeks employed by someone other than myself! (Yup~it's true... leaps, people. I'm in the process of taking leaps).

(Our front-yard garden at the beginning of summer, pre-blight-infected-tomatoes!)

August feels like the beginning of autumn to me. (Which I, like so many artists of the world, get all romantically symbolic & metaphorical about). (Even though I'm unfortunately certain that the sweltering DC heat will last until September ~ A girl can dream).

I'm feeling the crumbling of elongated habits and beliefs ~ of conditionings that no longer serve me. Transformation is having her way with me, and I'm trying my best to stay out of the way and let her do her job. I'm clearing distraction-clutter, making new commitments to pro-activity and powerful truth-telling, and owning my identity and journey more than ever before.

I'm creating space to step into. (Space ~ meaning an open thing that can be filled with whatever heart-felt experience belongs there). And I'm meandering slowly, without knowing exactly where I'm going, who might join me, or where I might be led. I'm just carrying simple knowings about myself: what brings me joy, where my energy spews from, when I'm avoiding my power, and the dreams in my soul that won't disappear no matter how much I try to suppress them.

It feels a little like faith. Ya know? Scary and reassuring all in the same breath.

What's your vision of August? Do you know where it's leading you? Where you want to go? Are you feeling at all faithful? I'd love to know in the comments below.