Don't read this post if it's just another distraction

I used to hold a quiet (or not so quiet) contempt for TV junkies. I used to watch people numb out in front of the tube and wonder where their imagination went. I used to be bored with nothing left to distract me, so I'd leave the scene and enter my own creative dream-space.

There, I used to write poems on my father's old typewriter. I used to write stories with sharpie marker inside my closet door for the next dear soul who'd inhabit my room. I used to stare blankly out the window watching birds in the bushes, drool slipping from the side of my mouth. I used to lay on the carpet for so long that I'd get marks on my legs as I listened to mix CD's from old boyfriends. I used to try on every piece of clothing I owned, then leave the mess foot deep on the floor. I used to call my neighbor, Seth, to meet me on the edge of the driveway where we'd star gaze & talk about life. I used to go to the coffee house with nothing but my journal & my curiosity, and leave with 3 new friends. I used to always look at someone when they talked to me. I used to fill my open spaces with wonder, with mischief, with flirtation, with disbelief.

I used to have nothing to multitask with. I used to have no easy access to thousands of people's ideas or photographs or businesses or dreams, all with the touch of a finger.

I used to see my open spaces.

There's a way that I've become one of those people I disdain--numbed out in front of the screen--finger swooshing one more time to see if anyone cares that I exist.

There's a way that my interaction with today's technology has left me feeling less alive, more zombie-like, emptier.

There's a way that I've forgotten how to see the open spaces, let alone, sit in them.

There's a way that I wonder where my imagination has gone, and if I can distance myself enough from the distractions to ever get it back.

~~~~

I just read this to Brian, who said to me, "who cares if we exist to other people... what matters is that we exist to OURSELVES"

It's time I get back to myself. It's ironic, considering our trip and out distance from so many people. But it makes sense; this is a beautiful, isolating, spiritual, intense journey, and sometimes it's hard to know if there's anything left to call my own or if that even matters at all.

Sometimes all I long for is to know, at least, that someone out there sees me. But true seeing can't be measured with a thumbs up, retweet or heart.

It's time to see myself, in all my mysterious sorrow and wonder and excitement. It's time to sign off and rediscover where my imagination has gone... It's time to follow where it needs to take me.

If you tell the whole truth

You may face the consequences
You may literally quiver in your body, shiver in your bones, and just barely whisper your words
You may suffer regret
You may be surprised by the way another's whole truth affects yours
You may enter the freedom and committment and chill of actually marrying yourself
You may be mistaken for selfish or rude
You may apologize with nothing but sincerety in your heart, no matter the humiliation or blow it takes to your dear ego
You may feel the emerging pain of bringing something new into the world for the very first time
You may begin to believe in love
You may actually get what you really want (and you may come to realize that it's not what you thought you wanted... not even one bit)
You may cause storms
You may change your entire life with one sentence you can never retrieve
You may lose things or people or places or jobs you never planed on losing
You may wonder if it was worth it, or if you (and everyone else) would've been better off living just below the surface of your perfectly normal lies
You may gain the life you're really meant for
You may find true companionship
You may be seen and loved, fully, for every single bit of who you really are
You may sacrifice ease for holiness
You may be completely exhausted and need two naps a day for the rest of your life
You may become far more curious than you were ever prepared for
You may ask provacative, pivitol questions, and fear not their answers
You may feel alone
You may swell over with remorse
You may swell over with gratitude
You may Surrender
You may become closer to God than you ever knew possible
You may learn the true gifts of imperfection
You may give more than you were ready to give
You may learn more than you were ready to learn
You may have nothing left to sit with than what you're actually meant for in this very moment in time
You may come to life like never before
You may embody a difficult, honest work
You may embody Love
You may know that it was worth it, every tiny morsel, every drop of sweat, every tear and laugh and unruly sigh of relief

all the way seen, all the way loved

letting myself play, letting myself be seen

I walked into the hotel room, looked at myself in the oversized, opulent mirror, and frickin' SQUEELED with joy that I would finally rest in my own skin for 5 days.

Before my little excursion to Portland for the World Domination Summit, my spirit was feeling a bit shakey and my presence a bit strained. I needed rest. I needed recharging. I needed revival. (9 weeks on the road can have that kind of effect.)

I needed to be all the way myself. And then all the way seen. And then all the way loved.

Usually I get stuck at need #1: Be All The Way Myself.

But this past weekend (and for the past few weeks on the road) I've been noticing my true self shining through in places where I normally wouldn't: stating my true opinions to complete strangers, leaving when I'm bored, stopping to pick the flowers without any hesitation, offering tears in public, playing ukulele as I walk the city street... There's a way that living on my bike and having no community to which I can "go home and be myself" has forced me to be myself wherever I am.

I feel relieved and joyful about that... like the way it feels to meet a kindred spirit or lounge with an old friend. Anything goes. Everything's okay. We will laugh and we will cry. We will be fully seen and loved.

Which reminds me of one night in Washington, DC, when I was with my best friend, Jodi, in her magically lit bedroom, crying and talking about whatever was aching in our dear hearts. We went all the way to the bottom of our saddness together--all the way to the mystery and the unknown and the pain. We looked deeply, with compassion, into each other's swelling eyes, until we finally let go into laughter. And then we lifted her guitar from the wall hook on which it was resting, and we sang like complete fools in our worst elementary school voices. We sang silly songs and sad songs and love songs and heartbreak songs as BADLY AS WE POSSIBLY COULD. (Screaming, shakey falcetto, yodelling... we did it all.) We bounced ourselves into oblivion, before we tired ourselves out like toddlers, and I finally made my way home... Enlivened, hopeful and filled with an inexplicable sence of calm.

This was the peak experience I shared with Kelly Rae Roberts during Jen & Andrea's incredible house-shaking Mondo Beyondo presentation at WDS. It left me with the words, "all the way happy" & "all the way sad" written on either arm, and "love for love" written on my chest, right next to my colorful heart necklace.

I realize now that being seen and being loved... all the way... are dependent on owning my selfhood.

Looking back, it turns out that all of my fondest, dearest memories were from times when I was most myself. By which I mean, times when I was doing what enlivened my mind and body and heart. By which I mean, times when I broke the rules that insulted my values and let my deepest motivation be love.

Who do you get to be when you're owning your selfhood? When love is your motivating force?

The peak experience excercise is a great way of getting underneath your core values. (Just think back to one of your most enlivening memories & pull out how you felt and what made that experience special.) I'd love it if you shared your story in the comments below! (WDS attendees & otherwise!)

Seeing you and loving you for every glimpse of truth that you reveal. Believing that your story is a clue to all the goodness that's coming your way...

so much love,
rach

PS--a sincere, deep THANK YOU to all the beautiful souls who attended WDS. Feeling shifted in quiet profound ways. And definitely feeling seen & loved! ;-)

It's possible

Dear baby girl,

Just in case you're wondering, I'd like to reassure you that when you are under dire conditions, it's possible to feel all of these things in a matter of 15 minutes:

Exhausted
Scared
Strong
Loving
Patient
Ingenious
Doubtful
Faithful
Frail
Hazy
Fucking fed up
Daring
Powerful
Completely out of control
Completely taken care of

Now that that's out there... You have full permission to tend to whatever feeling you have, in whatever milli-moment it arises. Dire conditions, or not.

Tend it all the way to the core. Be there for yourself in all your unbelievable, convenient & inconvenient forms. Make fucking love to the moment, girlfriend. There's a very nice release in that practice. I promise.
I'm glad we had this talk. I can tell you really needed it.

Love,
Your very wise mama