rach.mad.love

dancing through a deep and painful wound (#4)

2012-01-27T09:23:00.001-05:00

This is me in a dress I wore when I was 18 years old on the day I walked away from a terrible, formative, heart-wrenching situation. This is a dance to a song that he put on a mix for me at the very end of everything wonderful and miserable.

This is an expression of the battle between addiction and freedom. The fight. The strength it takes to get out alive. Not just once, but over and over again. From the beginning, to the end. From that first deafening experience at 13 years old--the one you let burrow under your skin, unspoken of for all those years--to that last hand on your smooth strong thigh, just before you got up and out. Just before you decided to never turn back.

This is for the unnumbered, unspoken traumas. This is diving in, so many years later. This is healing.

This is the confusion that you sort through for the rest of your life, simply because you were young and beautiful and had things to give, but things were not taken nicely--they were stolen, ransacked.

This is me taking back my body. All of it. All of the luscious beauty I'm afraid to reveal. All of the weird or scandalous angles. All of the ways these muscles laugh and all of the ways they cry.

This is to all of the people who have been stolen from, violently, abusively, without permission, at far too young an age.

This is for our bodies, which are wiser than our minds and even our hearts. They can be trusted, I am told. They, of all things, are here for us to return to, I am told. They will not deceive us or misguide us. We can live in them. They are not our abusers.

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It's not my body's fault. It's not my fault at all. What do you need to say to your body? Feel free to let the comments be a safe haven for forgiveness and reclamation.

Let Your Baby Grow

2012-01-26T15:17:00.001-05:00

Me resting -hard- during the winter solstice.

Make no mistake. There are times meant for not knowing, for not teaching, for not proving, for having nothing wise or revolutionary to offer. It's really, really true.

There are times meant to be couped up in curiosity, stuck without words, lost for adequate explanations.

Jen Lemen has taught me everything I know about this lesson. She is the master of gestation--of letting things settle in, sit still, stay quiet, until they're actually ready to speak, be born, scream out.

She might tell you (in her incredible jen-like language), if you were worried, anxious, trying to rush a good thing to life:

Let yourself be pregnant with grand ideas, new inventions, beautiful creations, orgasmic explorations. Let yourself sit in the quiet safety of formation for as long as that sweet baby needs. You won't always know the due date in advance, but you better believe you'll feel the water break. You will know when it's time for everything to come out.

Don't worry. Don't rush. When it's time, it's time. If it's not time for that, it's time for this. Everything is as it should be.

Playing TOGETHER: An Antidote to Perfectionism, Isolation & the Sucky Status Quo (And Dance #3)

2012-01-24T21:14:00.004-05:00

When nothing is hidden, we can no longer be separate. In our complete vulnerability, we open to all and to everything. - Julie Daley

What would happen if you let yourself PLAY? Not just a little, but a LOT... like a child with few fears about "good" or "right"?

What if we let ourselves play as adults... together? All a bit below par? All a bit "bad" and "wrong"? All entering the realm of the vulnerable, loving and free?

What would happen to the world if we had that much collective permission to play?

Will you just breathe that question in with me for a moment?

I envision a whole lotta shakin' down into our skin, a whole lot less pressure, a whole lot more joy.

Unfortunately, our culture obsessively encourages individuals to get it "right", look "good", have it "figured out", be a STAR, "help yourself". If not, you the individual, are subject to the weight of shamed identities like "stupid", "foolish", "bad", "naive", "risky", "reckless", "weak", "FAILURE".

Even those of us who intentionally evade this competitive, perfection-based edge, are still subject to societal forces: the activities we play growing up, the schools where we're taught, our global economic system, the crap media that's streaming endlessly, our friends, families and co-workers who are equally subject to unkind conditions.

Let's face it: we're within a structure that encourages dog-eat-dog, whether we like it, or not; whether we adhere to it, or not.

We do all kinds of things as individuals to try to compensate for our unkind structure; both functional and dysfunctional. We become weight-conscious, image-conscious, status-conscious, kindness-conscious. We give money, we vote, we work hard, we pop pills, we pray. The list goes on. You're familiar with it.

While I encourage people to responsibility and ownership for their personal lives (integrity is HOT), there's another element to my perspective; one that's often lost in the world of helping professions. And that's this:

If we are not in practice together, our efforts are straight up unsustainable.

Why? Because at the end of the day, if we don't find ourselves supported by the whole, we go right back into the cycle of internalizing and individualizing our experiences. Isolation? It's your own fault. Loneliness? It's your own fault. Addiction? It's your own fault. Poverty? It's your own fault. You own problem to solve, alone.

Where are the opportunities to be in a new world, a new way--together?

Where is the new structure that's going to support our collective liberation?--not just our piece-meal one?

That's what this dance-a-thon is about. It's a trial, a model, an experiment in saying yes to PLAY together. (It's not everything--not at all. But it's something.)

The current systems and structures don't hold the true weight of our desires for connection and meaning... for a whole new world.

The time is NOW for new ways to emerge, for new trials to be had, for new risks to be taken.

We take these risks for the sake of togetherness, for sake of deep self-expression, for the sake of connection... for the "aching joy" as Julie Daley puts it, that makes you completely available to life.

If you've been watching on the side-lines, unsure of your capacity to join in, I encourage you to give it a try. Do one song, one dance. Or make up your own game and link below anyway! Or go out into the world and join a group that calls to you. Let yourself get out there. Step into this collective encouragement. We're here to say YES to you and make a stir over your courage. Really.

~~~~~

This particular video is what came out when I invited Brian to play along. It's simply what it is--we laughed... hard... the entire time. We hated the song. We looked silly! We were having fun. (Can you tell this man helps me take myself less seriously?!)

One of my FAVORITE parts about this experiment is all the love that's being showered around. Take a look at Meg's website. Her dances are from the soul. Her body moves with deep grace and joy. Then head over to Susan's site where she's letting the music move her body in yoga. Leave comments at their pages. Tell them what you see in them that's alive and wondrous.

That's what this is about--seeing, being seen, saying yes to all our imperfect beauty and vitality. We are god-sent. Let it be felt and known. Let us play together.

Add your site to this magical widget below... I stop by each site every day to see what's there. I can't help but shower love, because our courage is so inspiring.

For Dreamers of All Varieties: An Anthem For Saying Yes

2012-01-19T16:02:00.002-05:00

Say Yes.

Get up.

Drink up.

Join in.

Sink in.

Move out.

Move on.

Sit close.

Stand tall.

Breathe full.

Rinse off.

Speak free.

Start now.

Be it.

The impossible you you've been waiting for.

Do it.

That breath-taking task that's been waiting for you.

Know your body.

Splice the difference between fear and excitement.

Tell a new story--

That you are thrilled.

That you are ready.

That you are going to INSPIRE yourself today.

Just a little.

Just enough.

With one act.

One step.

One breath.

With will.

With kindness.

With humilty.

With gratitude for this impeccable opportunity--

This unimaginable and true

Existence.

Say Yes.

We're ready for you.

Dance 2 :: White as Diamonds

2012-01-19T08:27:00.003-05:00

Here we have it, loves: dance numba two of the Delicious Body Dance-a-Thon. It's never too late to play along. Feel free :)

This time around, I invited half a party of friends to join in! ~ Thanks, cutie pies. I adore you and your moves.

I can already feel the way that doing more than just one song, but a whole album, will stretch me creatively and physically... spiritually, too. (It's challenging to do new moves to similar-sounding songs). ((My friends and I were chuckling at my recurring "left leg lift" move!)). I'm dancing for at least 20 minutes every day (to whatever song comes up on shuffle!). At this point, if I don't, I feel like screaming. You know how it goes. Right?!

To dancing it all out. And friends at parties that do silly things written on paper scrolls. :-D
xo,
rachael

Song 1 :: Dry Grass & Shadows

2012-01-17T00:29:00.005-05:00

Friends! Partners-in-expression! Lovahs! ~

Here we have it... The first of many dances in the Delicious Body Dance-a-Thon! To the tune of "Dry Grass & Shadows" by Alela Diane. Track 1 on the album "To Be Still".

I'm having way more fun with this than I ever expected. Feeling expressed, creative, silly, serious, alive, satisfied.

A special, deep, resounding thanks goes out to Jen Lemen for being the ultimate "first follower"; for offering the best kind of creative support any dreamer could ever dream up. And for the constant, enthusiastic Okay! that is as valuable and necessary as water, as sleep, as sex. I love you.

And to Susan, Meg and Leanne for daring to PLAY ALONG! Truly, I cannot wait to see your beautiful expressions! Yes, Yes, YES!

It's not too late to join in. Just pick an album (or 12 songs) that speaks to you these days, turn up the jam & dance! (With the record button ON and a lil post-recording uploading, if you wanna go public). For full details on the experiment, check out the first post. If you decide to play along, be sure to comment / link your site on the magical widget so we can cheer you on!

to dancing & letting it all out,
xo, rach

DELICIOUS BODY DANCE-A-THON

2012-01-13T14:41:00.002-05:00

Dear hip-shakin', body-bustin' and/or barely-groovin' humans,

Thanks for even considering showing up here, in this way, for this... mysterious invitation.

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. ~Raymond Lindquist

You're officially BRAVE.

The goal of this experiment is to embolden your bravery EVEN MORE. To invite your inner expressive diva OUT. To call you into a place of play and imperfection, grace and/or stumbling, poignant and/or uncontrollable [crazy, silly, off-beat, to-your-own-beat] body moves!

YUMMY.

All that said, I'm not an expert dancer, nor am I an expert dance-a-thon facilitator. DANCING ALONE ON VIDEO IS UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY FOR ME. A bit... terrifying. In a good way.

Still, I want to play, I want to go out on a limb, I want to feel the aliveness of expanding my comfort zone. AND... I want playmates, peers, virtual dance partners! The kind of playmates who see this invitation and get butterflies in their stomachs, thinking, holy shit how did she know???

So if that's you, check out the video with the back story of how the idea came about, and a little instruction about where to go from here. Or skip below to the bullet-point details.

The Details, In Summary:

WHO: You, baby. You, me & anyone else who wants to play.

WHAT: A month-long, 12-song experiment in dancing. Choose your album. Choose your cause. And dance! -- For your body, your expression, your courage muscles. --And, for a cause, something you believe in, a movement you wanna support! Record yourself dancing. Share your expression with us.

WHERE: Your kitchen floor, blue bedroom, barren backyard, cool-shadowed shed. Get groovy in a place (or places!) that feel inspiring to you. Then share your experience in your virtual space! Link-love it up below! Tweet with the hashtag #deliciousdance.

WHEN: Jan 17, 2012 - Feb 17, 2012. I'll be posting my videos every TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY and FRIDAY. Film 'em when you want. I suggest spreading them out, dancing each song on a different day. Give yourself permission to do each song in one-take, letting this be a playful practice, not perfection. (Alas, the final decision on editing, or not, is yours! Incite your creative autonomy, and ultimately, do whatever makes you feel alive alive ALIVE.) ((Who knows... I might even break my own rules. It's been known to happen.)

WHY: To instigate your body's creative voice. To get your muscles & spirit moving, flexing and stretching at the start of 2012. To be vulnerable and beautiful in community. To play. To let it all OUT via the body. To cleanse. To celebrate our bodies and their wonderful, wondrous capacities!

I can't wait to see what comes of this... Link to your blog below if you plan on joining the grand-masta-experiment in delicious dancing!

For the nervous, intimidated, terrified but leaning in with intrigue:

There is a bit of insanity in dancing that does everybody a great deal of good. -Edwin Denby

All I know is I'm feeling up for the task. If you're feeling motivated to explore this, too, feel free to join. I'll write about my experiences (surely), but won't necessarily be walking people through an emotional process. After all, this is an experiment for me, too! We can learn, explore, discover, uncover...together. Lots of love.

EARTH RHYTHMS + Foresight :: 2012 is going to be EXPLOSIVE

2012-01-12T13:01:00.001-05:00

I'm really f*cking excited for 2012. I've got so many projects and dreams to share with you, invite you into, experience the magic of with you. Like. REALLY.

Here's a lil sneak peak of what's in store that I can tell you about ::

EARTH RHYTHMS
is my theme for the year. It's inclusive, holistic, radical, simple, grounded, non-attached, and soulful. And... it moves. Aaaaahhhh! Just the word movement has me moaning in yeses of all shapes and sizes.

DELICIOUS-BODY DANCE-A-THON
On January 17th I'll be launching a movement-based community project that is nothing short of DELICIOUS. It'll be yummy, voluntary, inspiring, touching and... fun. It'll last one month, ending on my 25th birthday (February 17th). More details coming to ya NEXT TUESDAY so check back in for the full [delectable] scoop!

SUSTAINABLE LIBERATION
Tomorrow I'll be launching a comprehensive outlook on my focal exploration for 2012: Personal, Community & Global Liberation. I'm diving into the questions What is Liberation? and What qualities, practices and structures support it? I'll be expanding my exploration beyond the written word and into the realm of interviews, photography, music and other expressive mediums. Fully vetted, people. That's my goal. (For some past posts on liberation go here and here.)

MADLOVE COACHING
I'm off to a really exciting start with my coaching practice. Which thrills me. Because the whole idea of MadLove Coaching is to support incredible people fulfill their [bombtastic] visions for their lives and the world. My practice is totally aligned with my values of liberation, radical honesty, self-expression, intentionality, transformation and completely delicious living. And... I've recently come to realize and embrace that I get a total high from coaching. Good sign that I'm in the right field! Just today one of my clients told me that she can tell this is WAY more than just a job for me. Indeedy-do. It's so true.

MYSTERY
A lot is still unknown. Most glaringly, the question of where we'll be living, and if we'll be moving mid-year. But what I'm working with so far is nothing short of exciting and inspiring. Imma let myself revel in what I got!

YOUR TURN
What's on your docket for 2012? What's one decision you could make that would move you closer to fulfilling your vision?

Here's to kick-starting 2012 with intention and a very alive heart.

Heeeee Haw Hidey HO!

xo,
rachael

What Can Happen in the Face of Everything :: A 2011 Reflection

2011-12-29T23:04:00.003-05:00

I've been wondering lately...

What if being friendly with Everything was enough to change the world? Or at least, change your life?

2011 asked me these questions over and over again.

Most days, I was challenged to confront reality, head on. Wake up, pack up, gear up, and go. Weather, terrain and mood, be damned! How will you be in the face of Everything?--In the face of hopelessness, loneliness, an aching body, a tired heart?

How will you greet your life today?

So often, my answer felt embarrassing, devolved, pathetic. I generally sucked balls at being friendly with Everything. In turn, I felt pain like never before. Pain from wanting to run, but having to stay put; wanting to escape, but having nowhere to go. You'd think on a bicycle in the middle of nowhere, that would be your escape. But it's not really like that when you're an unenlightened human on a quest for truth and love. When your plopped into extreme conditions. When your strength and surrender are tested.

It's more like being slapped across the face. More like, What just hit me?? And then, Why does that god damn thing keep kitting me?? And then, I just got hit again. Oh well. Fuck it.

Rarely did it become, How sensational!... How wondrous!... The feeling of being hit! Rarely did I love life that deeply.

But when those rare moments happened...

A holy moment story

One of our last big climbs was through a stretch of ancient Redwoods. The road was narrow and steep, nothing but bends and swerving cars for four miles up. Great for extending hyper-alert paranoia, if you're wired that way, (which, cough, I am). The only calming force was the treeline of Redwoods--their long lineage an unspeakable tribute to survival and strength.

We were trekking and chugging along, and I was trying my best to let my minds' worries subside, when a massive truck swerved past, overflowing with chopped down Redwoods.

My heart sunk, fast. For a moment I was overwhelmed with shock (and anger, and wonder, and resounding sadness). But only for a moment. Then, in a split second, something in me rose: a deep knowing, an unquestionable truth that everything eventually surrenders.

That truck marked death. It marked the inevitable loss of all living things. It marked what I could no longer avoid: I will die. I will die, and who knows when. Maybe sooner than I want to. Maybe before my body is ready to go.

My death is not in my control. Only my life is. This life. This moment. This split-second of consciousness, and how I choose to be with it. Why struggle? Why suffer so much? Why be so unfriendly? Why not lean in, wink, offer a kind hello?--even to this--this pain, this challenge, this fatigue of riding my bike over another steep pass? After all, I'm here. I'm alive. I'm able.

It was time to practice a new way of being--an unconditional sort of Love.

On that final four mile climb--sweat dripping down my face like rain, legs tingling with ache--I smiled, laughed even, at the holiness of being so alive. I got so close to my vitality that I felt as grounded as grass, as ancient as the ocean. I let the sting of sweat seeping into my eyes persist, wiping nothing away. I let the moist air gushing from those holy trees soak my lungs, penetrate my body. I weaved corner after corner to the top of that cliff like a monk who knew that pain was not something to run from because it would always catch up. When Brian was waning in spirits, I sang from the soul of the earth to keep him going. I let life move through me, for him. I opened up. I held on to nothing.

After we made it to the top, I hooted and hollered the whole way down, my face sore at the bottom from such an unwieldy smile.

What's becoming so clear...

I'm beginning to know now that we are STASHED with reserves of strength and surrender.

Yet, we access so little of what we are made of. We let so much of our time go by in an endless scurry away from that which may cause pain. I get it. Pain is painful. But not as bad as the stories we attach to it--the projection into the past or future, what we think it means about who we are or are not.

Pain can just be pain. Tingly, exciting, as vast or holy as the sky. Sharp, immediate, breath-taking. Pain can just be a moment. It lasts forever only in our minds.

I admit I'm a beginner with this stuff, so if it sounds like I've got things figured out, may you know that I'm fumbling, but continuing anyway. May you know that I'm just a human who tossed herself onto a path, and...

I cannot turn back

I cannot consciously devolve, despite the awkwardness of experiencing myself in such novice stages. I cannot devolve, despite how easy it would be to join the ranks of the half-awake. Because that's not what I'm meant for. It's not what we're meant for, to be half-awake. We're meant to feel joy and freedom and surrender, the cathartic release of letting everything flow out.

The sweet spot is in that place of greeting Everything with a friendly hello. In a place where we show up, connect, follow, breathe. Where we're alive and we really feel it.

New year, new intentions...

I'll be ringing in the new year with immense gratitude for the journey 2011 took me on.

In 2010 my word was daring. In 2011, power. I'll let you know my word for 2012 so soon. It has to do with this surrender stuff... this holiness... this journey of letting go into love.

Until then, wishing you each a chance for sound reflection and renewal as we enter a new year on Earth, a new holy trip around the sun.

Tell me: Who have you become thanks to the journey of 2011?

deep love & tenderness,
Rachael

What Matters, For Real

2011-12-19T14:46:00.003-05:00

That you are able to see the suffering in others, underneath their defenses and attacks made to shield

That you are able to see the suffering in yourself, underneath your riots of internalized pain

That you are willing to learn the word forgiveness and practice the word acceptance

That you are open to people who love you unconditionally

That you are becoming a person who loves unconditionally

That you are never too old to be surprised, too young to be wise, too tired to be kind

That you give every ounce of your gifts

That you generously receive what is given to you

That you lay in the grass and listen to the wind, because the earth is your mother and losing her is like losing breath

That you are honest

That you believe in people, in humans, in each other

That you do your part

That you honor what you can and cannot do

That you be yourself, all of you, over the top

That you find friends and lovers who love you for you

That you can laugh at the very bottom

That you can cry and the very top

That you can dress yourself in clothes that feel powerful and divine and true

That you are humble in the face of critique or caution

That you tell the ones you love it's so; today, right now

That you bring everything in you to the table, every time you sit down

That you hold zero judgment about what you're able to bring

That you can say "oh well" and "fuck it" and "I wish"

That you can practice letting go of so much pain and so much suffering

That you are able to see yourself as strong and sweet, even now, even this time, even as your heart hardens and cracks

You're Invited: Take the Ride

2011-12-07T13:48:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time in the works, but I am so happy to have the stage set and the space ready for you to join me on this ride--this exploration of the true you. If you feel called by this invitation--if you know in your heart or somewhere in the back of your mind that a more alive you is waiting--take a peek at the MadLove Coaching page to see if we'd be a good fit.

I'll give you a few hints here + now:

I work with passionate + creative people who are eager to revolutionize their lives and the world at the same time.
Why? Because your liberation is part of my liberation.
And you deserve deep + abiding belief in your brilliance. No more selling out or selling yourself short.
The world needs you to become fully self-expressed.
Your sense of meaning and our sense of peace depend on it.

CLICK!

Every Picture Has It's Shadows

2011-11-20T16:48:00.001-05:00

Sometimes it's too soon to tell the blessings from the perils. What parts of the darkness were for the light. How to make severance with all that had to happen, when you're not sure why there was no easier, simpler way of getting you here to this place of unspeakable understanding, of complexity and hard-earned love. Who knows. Maybe God or the Devil understand, but not you. Not now. Not yet.

Sometimes it's just too soon to tell. Don't try. It will only exhaust you further or take you down a long road called the Illusion of Control that leads to a very unpleasant dead end cliff. Turn around. Relieve yourself of needing to know. Draw yourself a steaming bath, light a ring of candles around you, pour in the salts, turn on the most godly music you can find, and scrub away your dead skin. Watch as the old parts of you fall aside. Witness as your heart tries to speak in quiet tears. Forgive as your protective troops make their rounds to stop your sobbing, to keep you seeming strong, to keep you from falling face-first into loss. Forgive. Let it all go--the expectations and hopes and reasons why you thought you were getting in this very bath; the things you thought it would give you; the happiness you thought you would earn for your dutiful self-care. Let it go.

You do not get to decide when things will feel normal again. You do not get to determine the path or how many hills you will have to climb before you can rest. You do not dictate how healing happens.

You get to choose to show up and scrub away your dead skin. To stay in the steaming bath for four songs longer than you were comfortable with. To listen to your teachers and ask for guidance from the universe. You get to surrender. You get to see. You get to really listen. You get to pray. You get to follow.

You get to become the survivor of your story. The warrior who starts a new. The shaman who speaks in six word sentences.

You get to know that everything mattered in fucked up, unbelievable, universal, cinematic ways. You get to know that nothing was wasted.

But not right away, not without practice, not without attention or time or hope. Not without blindness... blindness and sight.

Because You Are Able

2011-11-10T23:48:00.004-05:00

go.

just go all the way.

far past your limits and comfort and usual standards.

go because you know, in earnest,

that you'll never really discover your favorite version of

being alive

if you stay here,

in this way,

in this cell.

go
because you are able.

because your body's asking.

because you can't explain why.

because twitter is so god damn boring.

go
because your toes want sunshine

and your nose wants ocean.

because every reason for not going

comes out of your mouth like middle school busy work

that you're far too intelligent for.

go
because your going will definitely change you,

and in turn, change the world.

go
because it's love who's asking.

and it's love who you answer to.

and it's love that makes you able,

that got you here in the first place,

that will be there as you go.

go. go. go.

because you must.

because you are able.

Where Travel and Loss Will Lead You

2011-10-24T11:40:00.003-04:00

Traveling so many miles, you're bound to lose things...

Your mind, your comfort, your stability, your prisons, your sense of self, your phone charger 1 million times.

This is why I urge you to travel.

Traveling invites loss. Loss invites you to be achingly alert. When your eyes and heart are wide open, despite what they see, there's a way that you're liberated from the anxiety of occupying more than one space at a time.

I invite you to lose it all.

Lose the words you don't have the time to write. Lose your favorite ring you don't have the wits to turn back for.

Lose your temper. Then really lose it. Then lose it so often that you stop looking for it and you just chill out, turn toward laughter, start calling your lover nonsensical nick names that make you both giggle like 7 year olds.

Lose hope. Rub so hard on that tattoo you've marked to your ring finger that you make a rash. Go to the wits end of your faith and fearlessness until you begin to learn that those qualities derive from hitting the bottom and surviving. Sweat and tears, and then more sweat and more tears.

Lose your cool. Lose your shame. Lose your self-awareness in public places. Be too loud for the timid small-town diner. Order pie at 9 am. Moan. Excessively.

Lose yourself completely.

I promise--you will have regrets and you will be wiser for each one.

Lose weight. Lose options. Have 3 outfits and 3 pairs of panties that you wash in the sink when you're lucky enough to remember. Lose your sex appeal.

Lose money. Tip too much to the woman who gave poor service. Get haggled by the homeless man and drop him a big fat 20. Lose your so-called standards.

Lose your future investments. Lose your illusion of security. Lose your maybe-one-day dreams and just do it already.

Lose your map and your perfectly calculated directions. Lose your battery life. Have nothing left to do but flag down a stranger and ask for help, stick your thumb out, become human again.

Lose your vanity. Lose your make up, your razor, your deodorant, your hair products. Take a scary-as-fuck picture of yourself and post it on Instagram for all the world to see.

Mostly, lose what you grasp the tightest... Your safety, your soul, your sense of purpose, your image.

Lose it for just a month, a few days, an afternoon in mystery walking down the block. But lose it wholly, with no reservations.

When it's all said and done, you won't feel "found", per se. Rather, you'll feel as though you've arrived carrying only what's truly needed in your bags. Nothing more, nothing less. And it will be strange and vulnerable and magical.

You will know that the sweat and tears and suffocating bike shorts were your uniform of sacrifice. You had your protests, and rightly so, but that uniform brought you to the boundaries of your dark territories, the terrors of life you never wanted to see, the edges of your strength and also your humility, your meek existence in this glorious, overwhelming world that you absolutely needed to travel in.

You will lose a handful of illusions in this sea of loss. The greatest of which being that things last forever. No. You will see clearly that everything eventually surrenders.

One day, you will not only understand, but accept, this jewel of truth. Perhaps the deepest truth you could ever grasp.

Until then, you will continue to travel, to lose things, to wander at the crossroads of terror and letting go into love.

Calling All Celebrators!

2011-10-12T22:33:00.001-04:00

LOVES! We have almost completed our crazy MadWard Adventure!

I'll save all the notes on HOW for another time, and just say this much for now:

It took a village of support to get us here (really) and it will take a village of support for us to finish. So we're going to make a request:

A spiritual exchange of motivation.

Yes! This is hippy-dippy! Yes! It is also fun!

Okay...We are traveling the Pacific Coast and it is an endless road of ups and downs--this time I'm being literal.

We need your motivation (really!!) to make it to Mendicino, CA where we're meeting my parents in 9 DAYS!!!

Give Mojo
Will you call us & leave silly/serious/suspicious voice messages? Will you tweet/text us daily with encouragement? Will you let us know, in one way or another, how our journey has affected you? The small seeds of courage we've possibly planted? What it would mean to YOU if we were to finish?

Get Juju
In exchange, when you send us some good mojo, we will climb a hill with you in mind. Really!

It will sound something like this:

Huff, puff, this hill is for Jen... huff, puff... And all the people who aren't sure if true love exists...huff, puff... And all the people who are piecing their lives back together...huff, puff... And struggling to get over yet another hump.....huff puff huff puffgg HUFF!

You can start with a comment right here. Fill in the blank:

This one's for me & all the people who ____________!

Heaps of gratitude for your solidarity as we run the final mile of our marathon. Lovin' the spritz of bubbly and marching band already!

xoxoxo,
Rach & Bri

Let's Liberate | Part 2

2011-10-10T03:00:00.003-04:00

The Ebb and Flow of Liberation

A photo-exploration, via #thephotoessay project with @binduwiles and countless talented new friends.

For the introduction to this series, click HERE. For Part 1, click HERE.

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Motion

It's not the sign; it's the smile, it's the hands held, it's the softened feeling that enters your body when you realize you're not alone, but part of thousands that are moving, dancing, marching toward something new and possible. It's the unsightly perseverance.

Stillness

It's not the sunset; it's the breeze, it's the mist against your skin, it's the birds gliding past you that let you know you are calm in your heart. It's the song moving from the bottom of the earth, through your body and out from you lips, that shows you your stability, your strength, your fragile freedom for just this moment.

Endings

Her hair and smile were bright and the conversation was easy, warm, full of faith. She shared with me the tarot card she pulled just before coming to the march: Death. "How lucky!" she said. "With death we are certain to see new life. We couldn't have gotten a better read!"

Beginnings

When we feel an undeniable pull toward the light, our only job is to begin walking.

Journeys

We are always on the path.

Let's Liberate | Ourselves, The World, Together | Part 1

2011-10-09T16:22:00.002-04:00

A Story
When I was young, say--6 years old--my family shuffled into the station wagon and drove down to Washington, DC for a figure skating show. It was one of my first times in the city, and definitely my earliest memory of it. As we were walking from car to arena, I noticed a homeless man on the side of the street. He wasn't begging. He was just sitting there. Sitting with a small pile of belongings beside him and wrapped in a grey blanket--the kind that was a mix of all the scraps--a sausage of blankets. I was carrying in my little backpack a bag of Cheeto's that my parents had packed as my snack. Walking past this man, hand-in-hand with my mom, I stared him down in all the ways you shouldn't as an adult but can get away with as a child. My heart dropped. How did this man end up here--and isn't he cold? He must be hungry. Tired. Sad. Lonely. We walked a few more blocks before I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn't let it go. My mom asked what was up, and I told her how sad I was for that man who was sitting on the sidewalk, and could I give him my Cheeto's because he must be hungry?

The next thing I remember is walking back to him, approaching his space with quiet reverence. He was sleeping. I tucked the bag of Cheeto's in between his belongings and body like a fragile package, not wanting anything to crumble or crack. I walked back to my mom with a lump in my throat and she gave me that look of hers that read Your heart is so huge and I'm so proud of who you are.We went to the ice skating show, and on the way back, I noticed that the Cheeto's were gone. He must've eaten them. Good, I thought. But still, the lump.

I could not get rid of the lump.

Today
I've never really been able to stomach that lump.

Years have passed and more lumps have formed. More people witnessed. More privilege noticed. More questions roused. More sadness. More anger. More confusion. More education. More listening. More wonder.

I've learned from many people and places, and I've grown braver because of them. More confrontation. More speaking. More shining light on what most people would like kept in the dark. More humility. More vulnerability.

In speaking, I have received many things: More attacks. More sarcasm. More resistance. More defensiveness. More wounded, terrified, name-calling.

How It Feels To Speak & Be Heard
My body literally feels fear every time I speak. Walls go up. Muscles tense. Fears of being confronted with anger or "fuck-off" vibes, for my simple attempt at speaking out with love, in the name of justice, bubble to the surface. (Fears based on unfortunate experience).

Perhaps my communication method is off. Perhaps in our world today, if we are to get navigate past people's debilitating fears, guilt and loneliness, we have to be particularly gifted with words and the human condition. Or just always extremely compassionate and forgiving in our intentions.

All of this to say that the more I look, explore and speak on behalf of liberation, the more I am shown the distances we have to travel. The more I am called into my work. The more I am seeking people who are also called into this work. The work of navigating self-love and love for all living things, personal empowerment and global emancipation, honest communication about the injustice in the world and deep forgiveness toward our common lot that has allowed it.

The Truth At The Heart of Things
I am not interested in going on a righteous kick, shaming the "oppressor". We are all suffering. So deeply. As Julie Daley just wrote in her Girl Effect post:

Privilege also causes suffering. It hurts the heart to turn away from others, to not have to consider others.
It also hurts the heart to turn away from our sisters and brothers who are not, in one way or another, free to be fully expressed souls, free to live a life that is a reflection of the sacredness of the soul.
There is a very real benefit to all of us, and to all of life, for each of us to enter the realm of the broken-open heart.

Intersections
I am interested in working--gently, honestly, courageously--on developing radical compassion and radical connectedness in the realm of the broken-open heart.

My working definition of liberation, as of now, is this:

Sustainable flow of expression by and for all living things.

Liberation isn't an end-result. Every piece of the puzzle is moving, and all the moving parts are always, at best, a practice. We already have liberation. Just like love. Just like holiness. It's one of those things that only has to be realized.

There's nothing to change, necessarily. And then, there's everything.

If we think of forest fires as necessary events in the sustainable flow of expression for the life of the forest and the ecosystem it's a part of--then even the dark, even destruction--are an essential part of liberation.

Everything's allowed in liberation.

Perhaps, even our resistance to this destruction--our dampening of the forest fires that emerge--are part of a larger sustainable cycle that we are far too small to see. If I am to really explore this theme, I must be willing to sit in the mystery, to take a deep breath of humility that there is so much I cannot know.

Okay. Truly. That breath was huge.

Still
What's emerging for me now, is that we're still here in this world with people living on the streets, working in sweat shops, being removed from their homes, being traded as commodities. We're still here in this world with so many harsh realities.

And as conscious living beings, we have the power to express deeply, fully, courageously--what we deem worthy of expressing.

Our expressions can come in the shape of words, action, work, art, steps, stillness, breaths. It matters not how we express. It just matters that, when we feel a holy force within us, we do not hold back. We flow. Radically. Freely. Daringly. We flow not only for ourselves and not only because we want to, but because we are part of a larger force, a surrounding rush, that is moving us as part of a whole. Our expression is our surrender. Our surrender is our holy love. Our holy love wants all living things to thrive. Our holy love leans toward the path of liberation.

May we walk, humbly, together, with grace.

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This is the first in a many-part series on Liberation. I'd be thrilled for your voice in this conversation. What are your thoughts on what's here? Ideas about liberation? Hopes for the world?

Will respond to your thoughts in the comments below.

with love and honor,
rachael

1,000 Gratitudes

2011-10-09T15:39:00.000-04:00

Arriving in Place

Yesterday, we caught a ride to the Oregon Coast from Portland. We meandered through pine-forested mountains and lush family-style farms that had trees hugging houses. The sweet smell of cow dung whisped through our open windows, and memories of my grandma flickered in my mind. She used to say that the smell reminded her of home; that it's kind of silly, but she just loves it. I feel the same way. We breathed in the sounds of Iron and Wine as we rounded the final bend before the ocean shot into sight. The Pacific Ocean. We arrived. We made it to the other side of the country.

A small path caught Kate's eye, and she asked if we could stop, wander down to the ocean. Beside huckleberry bushes as we stepped slowly on slippery grounds, my chest rose and fell, full of something I couldn't quite grasp. Until it hit me--hard--like 1,000 tears flooding in all at once.

We made it across this land, to this very ocean, with help. Tremendous help. Help from strangers full of so much love and desire to give. Help from sunshine reaffirming beauty, reminding us to hope. Help from songs in my ears and songs leaving my lips. Help from friends on the phone who said things like, "It makes perfect sense." or "Now's not the time for quitting." or "I'd want to kill something, too!" Help from my parents, who gave me the greatest gift of all: their confidence in me, in us; who said things like, "You're my hero."

It all helped. Every e-mail, every friendly honk, every asshole who jabbed into my fragile wounds, only to make me stop and breathe and pray and grow stronger. Every bed, every celebratory glass of wine, every sign made my siblings still growing strong--every tiny bit was huge.

Arriving in Time

Today is our very first wedding anniversary. This time last year, we were surrounded by the most collective expression of community I've ever wittnessed. Hands and hearts were offered in full for celebrating love. No one held back with their generosity, with their gifts. And I don't mean presents. I mean, everyone gave what they were put on this earth to give, in one way or another.

Today, it is just us out here; and then again, it is everyone. So much of this year has felt like a call to see how much we could do "on our own". The greatest lesson in this kind of challenge is discovering that you are never "on your own". Ever.

And through all the ups and downs (in bed, and otherwise) there's still no one I'd rather experience them with than you, Brian. There's no one with whom I'd rather discover the world, in all its magic and all its gory loss. There's no one I'd rather snuggle up against or whose smile I'd rather awake to. There's still no hand I'd rather hold, no voice I'd rather call out to. There's still no one with whom I'd rather share a life.

We're celebrating today. Celebrating how it feels to discover that when you keep going through, the tunnel of darkness really does lead to light.

Thanks to all the living things out there that have been with us every step of the way; that have given so so much. We feel you. Big time. We couldn't have done it without you.

love & gratitude,
Rachael

Liberation as a Theme to Explore

2011-10-03T17:52:00.000-04:00

When exploring a theme it's important to be brave--to go to both sides of rediculous and back, in order to know where your true foundation is felt.

After riding a bicycle across the country with my partner & lover, exploring the theme of "personal power"--after ego-wars and 80 mile days, after nights in plush hotels and nights on the side of the Interstate, after choosing to take the day off or choosing to fumble through--I know now that personal power is not at all the same as strength.

Power is choice. Power is having the awareness that you are free to choose how you would like to do things now. and now. and NOW. And then using your awareness to decide, to act, to do it.

Power is not always strong. In fact, realizing your power can be extremely vulnerable--a release of control over anything other than your choice and the moment. But it's beautiful and fulfilling because when you make choices for yourself in the moment, you are taking full responsibility for your life. And that's really, truly, the most we can do as individuals. (At least, this is the foundation that I'm working with, after a vast and gory exploration on the subject).

So, what is liberation? I don't know yet. How could I? I must go, full fledge, to both sides of rediculous and back in order to find my foundation.

I'm interested in the intersection of power and liberation. Does personal power (as described above) automatically create a sense of liberation? Is the mere act of remaining in choice the most important ingredient in liberation? My huntches tell me that it matters on an individual level, but that there's more to liberation that just you or me remaining in choice.

My hunch tells me that liberation isn't meant to happen alone, but collectively, as people join forces to free the whole from something that has been chaining it down.

I haven't become completely self-actualized yet (hard to believe, I know ;-), but in becoming more and more empowered and in choice, I notice that remaining in choice doesn't change inequality, corruption, or injustice. It may lead to some personal healing around the matters (which IS important), but it doesn't change societal conditions on a mass scale. (And, damn, wounds that far-reaching are hard to take on alone).

As an assertion of my personal power--my ability to remain in choice and act with full responsibility for my life--I'm choosing to explore liberation--because personal power alone feels negligent and incomplete.

As the African Proverb goes, "A scar on the heart of one is a scar on the heart of all humanity."

There are scars on the heart of humanity and I feel them everywhere I go. My sense of personal power does not change the societal conditions that make daily life much more difficult for many, many people.

Don't get me wrong--I believe that remaining in choice is vital for liberation. If we become people so obsessed with liberation that we enslave ourselves to the movement, forgetting to care for our personal needs, then there's no point.

The point is to care for ourselves and the well-being of the world.

The point is to recognize that our deepest joy is inextricable from the joy of others, the joy of all, the sense that all people are afforded the opportunity to express whatever it is that they need to express. (A-la #OCCUPYWALLSTREET).

What is liberation if not a collective? If not a sustainable flow of expression, by and for, all living things?

I'll be exploring the subject over the next four weeks with Bindu Wiles' Photo Essay Project (#thephotoessayproject). Through photos and thoughts, I'll dig in as deep as I can to the theme of liberation.

You can follow me on twitter at @rachaelmaddox or Instagram at @rachaelmaddox. I'll also be posting photo explorations on tumblr at rachaelmaddox.tumblr.com and more in-depth musings right here at the dearly beloved blog!

This is an introductory. Introductories don't have all the answers and don't come packaged neatly with a bow on top. They wonder. They let wonder lead them. The follow their hunches all the way into the dark and all the way into the light.

I hope you'll come along with me, or explore your own theme.

With a wink and a skip... I'm diving in!

Does the theme of personal and global liberation resonate with you? I'd be thrilled to hear from you in the comments or personal email (rachmddx@gmail.com). Exciting developments are underway. Stay tuned!

with love,
Rachael

If You Float Down That River

2011-09-26T07:00:00.003-04:00

If you float down that river
a child grabbing hold to each of your legs
and another on your back for good measure
slimy moss on rocks skimming your sun kissed skin
and the coolness of the water bathing, baptising, your non-religious soul...

If you float down that river
with those children of wild reckless joy
and you notice that man of wild reckless love
noticing your wild reckless magic
and the way your wet shirt outlines your holy body like a prayer...

If you float down that river
letting children lead the way to freedom
around the fallen tree branches
through the sandy and the rocky and the deep waters of the unknown...

If you float down that river
wide enough for children of all ages
and adults, too, who never dreamt they could turn back
be led by children, pushed on tire swings, fed star shaped pancakes for dinner...

If you float down that river...
when the trees shade the sun and your teeth start to chatter
when laughter has filled your out-of-shape lungs
and your body becomes the best type of tired...
the children will carry you upstream

they will tell you to grab hold of their legs
one hand holding one child, one hand, another
and they will pull you with all their joyful might
up and out of that river

they will carry you like an egyptian princess
not so graceful, but they will all pitch in
bring you into the sun again
find you a change of clothes
warm and dry like sitting near a blazing fire

and when your eyes grow heavy from so much play
they will tuck you into bed
with giggles and kisses galore
and they will go out into the woods gleefully
dancing and cheering that you floated down the river

not worried about making too much noise
knowing, nothing could stop you
from sleeping and dreaming
in such deep joy, tonight

For Travelers of Place and Heart

2011-09-24T13:41:00.000-04:00

Images of people from the book Vagabonding in America by Ed Buryn.

more like mirrors

2011-09-15T18:00:00.002-04:00

you just want it to go away,

like the song from your childhood...

come again another day.

but the rain rarely listens to your song

and neither does grief.

the important stuff knows when it's needed--

whether you like it, or not.

the clouds know when it's time to unleash,

your body knows when a monsoon's in order,

the earth knows when it can't withhold the crack.

we are not ones to fight nature,

to think we know what's best and when.

we are more like ants

than we've yet to embrace,

dancing perfect synchronicity without

as much as a word,

being stepped on without

as much as a chance

to escape.

ants being ants being ants.

we are more like freedom.

you just want it to go away,

the idea of war or domination

or greed or separation.

a translucent desperation

staring you in the face.

name the pain, the pang it leaves.

the important stuff knows when it's needed--

we can become more like mirrors than

organized shelves.

we can become more like ants

meandering our mazes,
making new ones,
holding three times our weight,

singing in silence,

letting loss be loss be loss.

the important stuff knows when it's needed--

like it, or not.

Hot Mama Interview with Kate Courageous!

2011-09-14T11:50:00.002-04:00

Why take big risks? Cross huge thresholds? Put yourself through the agony of facing your fears? (And do you have to experience agony when facing your fears??) What's waiting on the other end of Courage? And how can you find out?

This is what coaching can help unearth: the power you've always had, but seemingly lost.

My friend Kate Swoboda, aka Kate Courageous, is a courage-expert, dream-manifestor, and limiting-assumption-breaking-Queen. She was also my coach for a few months leading up to the blast off of our grand bicycle adventure. As fears about death and inadequacy circled my psyche, Kate helped me unravel the unhelpful stories I was holding--stories that were holding me back. She helped me notice and move past my fears so I could explore whole-heartedly what life had in store for me.

Bonus:: Info on bomb-ass Coaching Blueprint that's 'bout to be hot off the press, and in pre-order mode ahora.

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Hey Kate! First of all, want to take a stab at any of the questions above?

Absolutely: Take big risks, cross huge thresholds, and put yourself through the agony of facing fears because the process itself, as well as the end result, all goes into the mixed bag of living 100% fully alive. Does it have to be agony? No. Does it often feel that way? Yes. Are we in choice? Completely.

Okay... Let's get personal. What was your most recent encounter with Big Fear and how did you choose to respond?Okay... Let's get personal. What was your most recent encounter with Big Fear and how did you choose to respond?

My most recent encounter with Big Fear was quite recent: starting a Master’s in Counseling program. I had taken all of the pre-requisites, applied to grad school, gone through an application process and interview, and moved myself and my boyfriend to a new city. Within the first week, I “just knew”: the timing for being in school again was completely off. Grad school was not bad, the program was not bad, the city was not bad, nothing was bad--the timing was just off because a lot had shifted in the 9 months since I first applied. I knew that I needed to honor that, but I was afraid of blowing this big opportunity. I also felt really guilty--someone else, somewhere, received a rejection letter to the program while I was let in.

How I did I choose to respond? By crying a lot--and being with that wave of fear. I turned over the Stories that were coming up. I had Stories that I was being a flake, Stories of embarrassment, Stories that this had something to do with my identity. I reached out for support. Reading all of this, you might think that it was pretty simple. It felt really, really awful. There are no shortcuts. Then I took a deep breath and got honest with my Department Chair. The great thing is this--they were amenable to my taking a leave of absence.

Can you break this down into a practice we can try at home?

When you’re feeling afraid, feel the feelings that can go along with that.

Cry! Or just sit and breathe. Or beat the shit out of a pillow. Or journal like crazy. Choose something that is the opposite of your natural tendency (if you avoid crying, for instance, go there first--if you’re always crying and getting upset, try silently meditating).There’s a real preoccupation in our culture with trying to be calm and contained when we’re dealing with something big, and the consumer media has just about convinced us that it’s supposed to be simple and easy.

Dealing with hard stuff is not simple or easy--and it’s okay that it’s not easy. I genuinely believe that there’s a bigger purpose in working through pain. At the very least, it teaches us out to be allies for others.

Why do all of that? Because when we do, we’re using our bodies to birth our answers. There’s an energetic stuckness that releases and a clarity that comes.

How did your courageous journey begin, and what's been the biggest change you've seen in your life since?

It’s your typical story of a dysfunctional family dynamic and some pain in childhood--eating disorders, cutting, depression, thoughts of suicide. Throughout all of that, though, I had this real internal will or drive; you could say that some of my self-righteousness ended up being helpful to me because I was stubborn in my belief that the way my family showed up was wrong and I was right. We’ll call it self-righteousness as a survival mechanism. ;-)

I was always practicing courage, which is: feeling afraid, diving in anyway, and transforming. Over the years, I’ve unfolded more and more into just being with that process and that fear, rather than white-knuckling my courage practice.

In this moment, what comes to me is that the biggest change is seeing that as I become more comfortable with my fear, I also become more gentle. One would expect the opposite--that more courage equals more ferocity. I’m seeing more ferocious love in my life, but not more ferocious fighting or defense of my vision.

How about the dark side of Courageous Living? What new challenges often emerge for you or your clients when you embody a bold and courageous version of self? (And how do you respond?)

What’s tricky is that often, the shadows will loom larger because you’re putting more attention on them as you work with them. There is a phase where things seem worse, harder, more complicated. Almost everyone in that phase will say that things were better, before, and ask themselves why they bothered to start this journey, or work with a coach, or “who needs that workshop”, or they put down the book, or they turn to their default distraction. No one feels peachy-keen about working with what comes up, not even me.

So why work with it? I’ll use the metaphor of going for a run: When you go out for a run, at first your body protests (sometimes it even protests the entire time). It doesn’t feel good. So why are there so many crazy-ass runners out there? Because of the bigger picture--more energy, eating whatever you want, feeling happier, a longer life, stronger bones, the endorphin rush, the release of stress, the camaraderie with other runners. The runners who stick with it stop fighting the hard parts and find some way of learning to be with that initial mile where everything in them says, “This blows.”

That’s how I and so many others feel when we know we’re working with something that just feels...gross. We just keep labeling it: “This feels gross” and seeing if that shifts. Or perhaps we allow ourselves to be pissed that it feels gross. Perhaps we reframe it and start saying, “Thank you” for the gross-ness because that puts it in the place of trusting that there is a bigger picture. Perhaps we get curious about it and decide that we’re going to explore the “gross” to its absolute limit.

Whatever one does, and it needn’t be dramatic, my invitation is to not avoid the gross feelings, because the same lid that we put on ourselves to keep from feeling the gross stuff, is the same lid that covers everything joyful, enlivened, juicy, excited and inspired.

You're always full of inspiring concepts and quotes (your own and others). What words of wisdom are you living by these days?

Oh, you’ve got me now! I am such a quote collector. Lately I’ve really loved this from Pema Chodron: “Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others.” Also: “The people who irritate us are the ones who inevitably blow our cover.”

I'm really excited about your most recent project--The Coaching Blueprint--for new and aspiring coaches. How did this dream come into being and what are you most thrilled to be offering?

I’ll be frank--I dealt with a ton of fear as I started my coaching practice. In 2008, I tried to go from part-time to full-time with it, and ended up not being able to make ends meet. That was really humbling. In 2010, I embarked on the same journey, and started to see many of the same bumps in the road--but this time, I course-corrected more, studied more, listened more, tried more. Now that I “get” what is helpful and what isn’t, I want to share that with others.

The Blueprint is exactly what I wish I would have had when I started my coaching practice, because it would have saved me a lot of time and money--and let me know that I was not alone in my experience.

The Coaching Blueprint is a downloadable e-program for new and emerging coaches who want to create a fulfilling and successful practice--emphasis on “fulfilling” because it needs to feel good. It’s covering building a strong foundation, marketing practices, and growing beyond one-on-one clients. Along the way, I interviewed 10 other coaches and 2 counselors on how they created their practices: Pam Slim, Julie Daley, Michael Bungay Stanier, Steve Bearman, Jennifer Lee, Michelle Ward, Tanya Geisler, Dyana Valentine, Tara Gentile, Jamie Ridler, Tara Sophia Mohr and Bridget Pilloud.

Kate... You continue to amaze me with your passion and motivation to help others rock their life-visions. A hundred gratitudes for this beautiful, insightful interview. And wishing you heaps of success in all you do!

If you're interested in hearing more from Kate, head over to her site: http://www.yourcourageouslife.com/ and sign up for her list-serve! Top-notch, people. Promise.

The Blueprint is available for pre-order HERE and there's even a snazzy list-serve for people interested in learning more. Again, I could't recommend it enough. So quality.

Go forth with courage, friends. Believing in your brilliance as always. xo

To Roll In On Your Last Drop of Fuel

2011-08-13T14:37:00.001-04:00

It's a magical act. One that takes heaps of faith and even more heaps of complete surrender. If I never get there, I'll get somewhere else. The Universe will send help if I really need it. I'll make it if I'm meant to.

In time, you will get impressively good at letting go of how things should be. In the process, you will learn that there is absolutely nothing gratifying in pretending to be or feel anything but sincere. This is exhausting at first because you're not used to being so true, but it quickly becomes you're biggest energy save of all. Soon, people start to see the unfiltered you. You begin attracting connections you've longed for all these years. Even the people you thought had no eyes for seeing, are reflecting the most honest of sights. Soon, you are called to step into your vision by those you most admire. And you are received in fullness...unbelievably so, after so much time chugging along, wondering if anyone wanted what you had to give. Wondering if you'd ever really see what you were made of.

Soon enough, you will arrive where your people have been waiting with balloons and watermelon and songs from the soul of the earth. You will lie on cool ground under a blanket of clouds and stars, and you will listen as the crickets cheer and grasses clap. Every bit of your journey has mattered, they say. Nothing has happened in vein. The moon will hold your heart like no lover ever could. And you will know that every lonely night of longing was leading to this deep celebration.

For jl, jb, dr & tg. Everything you long for is on its sweet way.

A Note on Wisdom and Growing Up Slowly

2011-07-28T10:11:00.003-04:00

You can move molasses speed, sweet friend. There is no need to get wise fast. No need at all. (Not even for your job, your survival, your cash flow). When you walk an honest path, you will endure true suffering as your mind/body/spirit morphs into new shapes of being. Thank god. Your suffering is your salvation because it never stays forever--and when it's moved on and done with you, you will feel calm, content, slap-happy, even, over all the good times (echt-em... raging arguments) you two had together. Looking back, you will regard your suffering as your most trusted friend. Your most reverent teacher. Divine. And you will be right to do so. She was the one willing to offer up some tough love, as the rest stood by, afraid you couldn't handle it.

Suffering knows your strength. (And you are strong, no matter how pervasive your suffering. Promise.)

So take it slow. Feel every ounce of doubt, fear, inadequacy, loneliness, numbed-out-in-terror defenses. Breathe in how little you know. Let a 7-year-old comfort your fragility. Know how far into the dark you're willing to walk. Get dirty with the edges of your sanity. Say "fuck it" and then say it again. Cry and throw in the towel while everyone else crosses the finish line in record time.

To develop resilience with your suffering, you have to suffer. No need to avoid it. No need to cover up pain with wisdom, answers or ego. No need to get ahead.

Nothing feels more false than the hallow knock on ego's "answers". So let down the facade with care and compassion. Soften your body to the deep release of surrender. Sob if you have to. All day long is just fine. In the middle of the grocery store is just fine. At church when everyone else appears to be just fine... is just fine.

Your aching uncertainty is a jackpot of life experience.

Take your time with it, sweet friend. Walk slowly.

Don't read this post if it's just another distraction

2011-06-30T13:58:00.002-04:00

I used to hold a quiet (or not so quiet) contempt for TV junkies. I used to watch people numb out in front of the tube and wonder where their imagination went. I used to be bored with nothing left to distract me, so I'd leave the scene and enter my own creative dream-space.

There, I used to write poems on my father's old typewriter. I used to write stories with sharpie marker inside my closet door for the next dear soul who'd inhabit my room. I used to stare blankly out the window watching birds in the bushes, drool slipping from the side of my mouth. I used to lay on the carpet for so long that I'd get marks on my legs as I listened to mix CD's from old boyfriends. I used to try on every piece of clothing I owned, then leave the mess foot deep on the floor. I used to call my neighbor, Seth, to meet me on the edge of the driveway where we'd star gaze & talk about life. I used to go to the coffee house with nothing but my journal & my curiosity, and leave with 3 new friends. I used to always look at someone when they talked to me. I used to fill my open spaces with wonder, with mischief, with flirtation, with disbelief.

I used to have nothing to multitask with. I used to have no easy access to thousands of people's ideas or photographs or businesses or dreams, all with the touch of a finger.

I used to see my open spaces.

There's a way that I've become one of those people I disdain--numbed out in front of the screen--finger swooshing one more time to see if anyone cares that I exist.

There's a way that my interaction with today's technology has left me feeling less alive, more zombie-like, emptier.

There's a way that I've forgotten how to see the open spaces, let alone, sit in them.

There's a way that I wonder where my imagination has gone, and if I can distance myself enough from the distractions to ever get it back.

~~~~

I just read this to Brian, who said to me, "who cares if we exist to other people... what matters is that we exist to OURSELVES"

It's time I get back to myself. It's ironic, considering our trip and out distance from so many people. But it makes sense; this is a beautiful, isolating, spiritual, intense journey, and sometimes it's hard to know if there's anything left to call my own or if that even matters at all.

Sometimes all I long for is to know, at least, that someone out there sees me. But true seeing can't be measured with a thumbs up, retweet or heart.

It's time to see myself, in all my mysterious sorrow and wonder and excitement. It's time to sign off and rediscover where my imagination has gone... It's time to follow where it needs to take me.

If you tell the whole truth

2011-06-17T20:28:00.001-04:00

You may face the consequences
You may literally quiver in your body, shiver in your bones, and just barely whisper your words
You may suffer regret
You may be surprised by the way another's whole truth affects yours
You may enter the freedom and committment and chill of actually marrying yourself
You may be mistaken for selfish or rude
You may apologize with nothing but sincerety in your heart, no matter the humiliation or blow it takes to your dear ego
You may feel the emerging pain of bringing something new into the world for the very first time
You may begin to believe in love
You may actually get what you really want (and you may come to realize that it's not what you thought you wanted... not even one bit)
You may cause storms
You may change your entire life with one sentence you can never retrieve
You may lose things or people or places or jobs you never planed on losing
You may wonder if it was worth it, or if you (and everyone else) would've been better off living just below the surface of your perfectly normal lies
You may gain the life you're really meant for
You may find true companionship
You may be seen and loved, fully, for every single bit of who you really are
You may sacrifice ease for holiness
You may be completely exhausted and need two naps a day for the rest of your life
You may become far more curious than you were ever prepared for
You may ask provacative, pivitol questions, and fear not their answers
You may feel alone
You may swell over with remorse
You may swell over with gratitude
You may Surrender
You may become closer to God than you ever knew possible
You may learn the true gifts of imperfection
You may give more than you were ready to give
You may learn more than you were ready to learn
You may have nothing left to sit with than what you're actually meant for in this very moment in time
You may come to life like never before
You may embody a difficult, honest work
You may embody Love
You may know that it was worth it, every tiny morsel, every drop of sweat, every tear and laugh and unruly sigh of relief

all the way seen, all the way loved

2011-06-08T16:28:00.002-04:00

letting myself play, letting myself be seen

I walked into the hotel room, looked at myself in the oversized, opulent mirror, and frickin' SQUEELED with joy that I would finally rest in my own skin for 5 days.

Before my little excursion to Portland for the World Domination Summit, my spirit was feeling a bit shakey and my presence a bit strained. I needed rest. I needed recharging. I needed revival. (9 weeks on the road can have that kind of effect.)

I needed to be all the way myself. And then all the way seen. And then all the way loved.

Usually I get stuck at need #1: Be All The Way Myself.

But this past weekend (and for the past few weeks on the road) I've been noticing my true self shining through in places where I normally wouldn't: stating my true opinions to complete strangers, leaving when I'm bored, stopping to pick the flowers without any hesitation, offering tears in public, playing ukulele as I walk the city street... There's a way that living on my bike and having no community to which I can "go home and be myself" has forced me to be myself wherever I am.

I feel relieved and joyful about that... like the way it feels to meet a kindred spirit or lounge with an old friend. Anything goes. Everything's okay. We will laugh and we will cry. We will be fully seen and loved.

Which reminds me of one night in Washington, DC, when I was with my best friend, Jodi, in her magically lit bedroom, crying and talking about whatever was aching in our dear hearts. We went all the way to the bottom of our saddness together--all the way to the mystery and the unknown and the pain. We looked deeply, with compassion, into each other's swelling eyes, until we finally let go into laughter. And then we lifted her guitar from the wall hook on which it was resting, and we sang like complete fools in our worst elementary school voices. We sang silly songs and sad songs and love songs and heartbreak songs as BADLY AS WE POSSIBLY COULD. (Screaming, shakey falcetto, yodelling... we did it all.) We bounced ourselves into oblivion, before we tired ourselves out like toddlers, and I finally made my way home... Enlivened, hopeful and filled with an inexplicable sence of calm.

This was the peak experience I shared with Kelly Rae Roberts during Jen & Andrea's incredible house-shaking Mondo Beyondo presentation at WDS. It left me with the words, "all the way happy" & "all the way sad" written on either arm, and "love for love" written on my chest, right next to my colorful heart necklace.

I realize now that being seen and being loved... all the way... are dependent on owning my selfhood.

Looking back, it turns out that all of my fondest, dearest memories were from times when I was most myself. By which I mean, times when I was doing what enlivened my mind and body and heart. By which I mean, times when I broke the rules that insulted my values and let my deepest motivation be love.

Who do you get to be when you're owning your selfhood? When love is your motivating force?

The peak experience excercise is a great way of getting underneath your core values. (Just think back to one of your most enlivening memories & pull out how you felt and what made that experience special.) I'd love it if you shared your story in the comments below! (WDS attendees & otherwise!)

Seeing you and loving you for every glimpse of truth that you reveal. Believing that your story is a clue to all the goodness that's coming your way...

so much love,
rach

PS--a sincere, deep THANK YOU to all the beautiful souls who attended WDS. Feeling shifted in quiet profound ways. And definitely feeling seen & loved! ;-)

It's possible

2011-06-03T05:17:00.002-04:00

Dear baby girl,

Just in case you're wondering, I'd like to reassure you that when you are under dire conditions, it's possible to feel all of these things in a matter of 15 minutes:

Exhausted
Scared
Strong
Loving
Patient
Ingenious
Doubtful
Faithful
Frail
Hazy
Fucking fed up
Daring
Powerful
Completely out of control
Completely taken care of

Now that that's out there... You have full permission to tend to whatever feeling you have, in whatever milli-moment it arises. Dire conditions, or not.

Tend it all the way to the core. Be there for yourself in all your unbelievable, convenient & inconvenient forms. Make fucking love to the moment, girlfriend. There's a very nice release in that practice. I promise.
I'm glad we had this talk. I can tell you really needed it.

Love,
Your very wise mama

In Every Motion

2011-05-28T23:44:00.001-04:00

I saw this card in a book store in Uptown Chicago on a night when I was overwhelmed with sadness for unexplainable reasons. To have someone (let alone, Walt Whitman) simply tell me what I shall do, felt like a sudden release. Your flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency... not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes...

I'm learning that I can be every part of myself made manifest in one moment. I can be a whole long list of dreams and emotions and attitudes, and they don't have to fit the bill society has subscribed for a white, middle class, half-jewish, female, semi-straight, married young woman. No, ma'am... not at all. Those are such small (impossible) labels when seated next to the size of existence and life within me, within us all, within each moment and motion.

I was writing with Charlie, a dear friend I've had since middle school, and I said this to him...

i was thinking of my middle school self. the self that could hang in any crowd, unafraid. the self that knew she was worthy of love. the self that laughed and joked about everything and nothing. the self that championed other people's awesomeness without hesitation. the self that said so when things were boring or she was hungry or tired or angry. the self that loved to break the rules and felt no shame when she got in trouble. THAT self. she ruled.

Then I got this incredible e-mail from my best friend in the world, Jodi, who coincidentally decided to remind me of my high school self...

i see the high school bad ass rachaela emerging within you -- destroying conformity, making a mess, yearning for real connection and beauty, not settling for less, and digging deep as always, all in the name of love and truth (even the scary bad kind... but then again, what truth isn't a little bit scary??).

Dismiss whatever insults your own soul...

Neglecting these parts of me... neglecting any part of me... out of fear, out of terror, that being myself might cause too much of a mess to clean up... is a fear I must dismiss. Because my current self knows the art of speaking my truth with compassion, the gift of being true and loving, the grace of laying heartbreak on the table with the kindest touch.

This is how I'm practicing being... honest, whole, simple, true... myself.

In every motion and joint of my body...

How about you, dear friend? Who do you get to be when you dismiss the things--large and small--that insult your sweet soul? Introduce yourself. I want to be friends with that person... the true you. Truly.

If others learn first I must believe

2011-05-25T16:05:00.001-04:00

Eat Rice Have Faith in Women
by Fran Winant

eat rice have faith in women
what I dont know now
I can still learn
if I am alone now
I will be with them later
if I am weak now
I can become strong
slowly slowly
if I learn I can teach others
if others learn first
I must believe
they will come back and teach me
they will not go away
to the country with their knowledge
and send me a letter sometime
we must study all our lives
women coming from women going to women
trying to do all we can with words
then trying to work with tools
and with our bodies
trying to stand the time it takes
reading books when there are no teachers
or they are too far away
teaching ourselves
imagining others struggling
I must believe we will be together
and build enough concern
so when I have to fight alone
there will be sisters
who would help if they knew
sisters who will come
to support me later

women demanding loyalty
each with our needs
our whole lives torn by
the old society
never given the love or work
or strength or safety or information
we could use
never helped by the institutions
that imprison us
so when we need medical care
we are butchered
when we need police
we are insulted ignored
when we need parents
we find robots
trained to keep us in our places
when we need work we are told
to become part of
the system that destroys us
when we need friends
other women tell us
I need to be selfish
youll have to forgive me
but theres only so much time
energy money concern
to go around
I have to think of myself
because who else will
I have to save things for myself
because Im not sure you could save me
if our places were reversed
because I suspect you wont even be around
to save me when I need you...
Im alone on the streets
at 5 in the morning
Im alone cooking my rice
I see you getting your knowledge
and having friends I dont have
and I dont see you coming back
to help me
I imagine myself getting old
I imagine I will have to go away
when Im too old to fight my way
down the streets
my friends getting younger and younger
women my age hidden in corners
in the establishment
or curled up with a few friends
isolated at home
or in the mad house
getting their last shot of
motivation to compete
or grinding out position papers
in the movement
like old commies
waiting to be swept away
by the revolution
or in a hospital
dying of complications
nurse or nun
lesbian in clean clothes
reach out a hand to me
scientists have found
touching is necessary
and the drive to speak our needs
is basic as breath
but there isnt time
none of my needs has been met
and although Im often comfortable
this situation is painful

slowly we begin
giving back what was taken away
our right to the control of our bodies
knowledge of how to fight and build
food that nourishes
medicine that heals
songs that remind us of ourselves
and make us want to keep on with
what matters to us
lets come out again
joining women coming out
for the first time
knowing this love makes
a good difference in us
affirming a continuing life with women
we must be lovers doctors soldiers
artists mechanics farmers
all our lives
waves of women
trembling with love and anger
singing we must rage--
kissing, turn and
break the old society
without becoming the names it praises
the minds it pays

eat rice have faith in women
what I dont know now
I can still learn
slowly slowly
if I learn I can teach others
if others learn first
I must believe
they will come back and teach me

Room For It All

2011-04-07T16:28:00.002-04:00

At this table, this fine fine table,

Covered in cloths of every color,

There is room for every layer of the truth,

No matter how heartbreaking or ridiculous or enraging or delightful

The stories may sound—

There is room for it all at this table.

For the story your first orgasm or the time your mom walked in on you masturbating in the bathtub

For your family history working the coalmines or 3 jobs at once just to pay the bills

For the difference in our stories that might make us believe we are somehow on separate teams

For the compassion that sweeps in, showing us how truly connected we are

For your flooding tears and quiet confession that you, too, are a survivor of sexual violence

For your terror in knowing that for so long you’ve tortured yourself with shame and guilt over paradigms you are merely a pawn amidst

For your realization that you don’t want to do it all alone

For your hand, reaching across to mine, despite the cards stacked against our solidarity

For your tears that puddle over just when they’re supposed to stay in

For the gas seeping out from both ends of your body

For your tired tired sigh and hands rubbing eyes

For the jokes that only you find funny but we all laugh at because it feels better than judging

For the questions you’ve not yet formed

For the truth your presence brings without saying a word

For your numbing and your avoidance

For your cranky waking up to all that you’ve slept through over the years

For your confessions of all the times you turned your cheek on another living being, out of fear or cowardice

For your pride about how far you’ve come, how much you’ve learned, how deeply you know that you’re made of love and made to give it

There is room for your awakening at this very table we share

There is room for you, as you are, as you are becoming, as you have been

There is room for our overlapping truth

There is room for every ounce of everything that’s ever been said or done

There is room for every morsel of hope for a truly better world

There is room for complexity and controversy and non-dinner-table conversation

There is room for your vision of safety made manifest

There is room for our exploration and uncertainty

There is room for us to be together

There is room for our survival

There is room for our rebirth

Because this table was built by love

And love has room for it all

Love has room for it all

Let us open our eyes to our biggest dream, our highest call

Let us open our eyes to love

These are the truths being born in my heart today, as I sit in Mark's Cafe in Cumberland, MD. After 5 straight days of riding my bike on an insane tow-path, followed by days full of intensely inspiring conversation with some dear women who live in these mountains. There are so many voices and stories made silent in this world and my heart can hardly stand opening to them all, but I'm left with nothing but the truest desire to do so. Because from our silence-breaking we are revealed to our power. And with our power, we walk closer and closer to a true and tender and courageous expression of love. And that's all I really care about doing in this lifetime. Nothing more. Nothing less.

So dear, dear friends, what does your heart need room for at this table made of love? This is a place, truly, where you can come as you are and let those secret silences be born into powerful truths. I need to be with you more than I can express. If we were sitting together at this table, what stories would you tell me?

Wherever I'm With You

2011-03-28T17:09:00.001-04:00

Cutest cover EVER!!! Thanks for posting this, Tubi! I can't get enough of it.

Think I know what to learn next on the uku ;) Happy Monday, friends. 4 days til our grand adventure... Keeping this message close....

Home

2011-03-25T14:11:00.003-04:00

Sitting on my favorite couch--the couch that's listed under "Retro Love Seat--$75 OBO" on craigslist--I gaze throughout our apartment upon what's left of our belongings. Things I can't let go of. My pile of paintings, canvases and photographs on the walls, the mess on my desk and another on my bedside table, a few unneeded but colorful dresses.

Brian's cleared it all.

I'm grasping for survival. The survival of what's about to be lost. This moment, and now this one, and now this one. This home, in this community, in this time and place.

Never before has home tasted so healthy or cooperated so lovingly. In this home, Brian and I decided we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. In this home, I planted my first garden. In this home, I learned how to grow my leg hair and cut my hair-hair and simply said, not care about how I look. In this home, I learned how to mop the floors and cook without animal products and eat quinoa and brussel sprouts and kale and popcorn on the stove. In this home, I learned how to not isolate myself when I'm feeling terribly sad, how to love the strengths of others, how to appreciate a good bath, slowing down, comfy slippers and lazy days. In this home I had beautiful orgasms, cried cathartic tears, smelled the natural odor of my armpits and ate frozen fruit. In this home we danced while doing dishes and sighed while sitting side-by-side.

In this home I let out my whole self.

In this home I felt loved for showing true.

In this home I found truth.

It's no wonder I'm grasping..

But there's truth to find here, too. And I'm still home. And I'm still seeking.

And I am so, so, SO thankful. And so, so terribly sad. And doing my best not to isolate myself. And standing in awe, eyes wide open, jaw dropped, before the monumental journey that we're facing. We are really doing this, leaving this, headed to that unknown destination. It feels utterly insane and completely irrational now, but I know there is a truth deeper than reason that's hiding on the other end. I just have to go to it, be in it, acknowledge that it's there. It is there where I am home to the always present home--the home of my own soul.

What's the casing of your home these days, loves? What feeding is your soul asking for?

What You Can Do When You're Feeling Scared

2011-03-22T13:55:00.000-04:00

1. Trust your intuition
2. Sing this song, or this one, or this one... or this one
3. Ask yourself what's really important
4. Ask yourself when you lie to yourself
5. Walk barefoot in the grass
6. Cry and tell stories and laugh and drink water
7. Call on help from people who are scared too
8. Be brave together
9. Because everything feels easier in courageous company
10. Whisper the truth
11. Then write it in big letters
12. Then paste it to your forehead and have everyone you walk past read it to you
13. Do the impossible
14. Jump off the roof
15. Onto a trampoline
16. Roll over laughing at the silliness of it all
17. Declare the truth
18. Let out a big "hip hip HOORAY!" like they taught you in grade school
19. Breathe deeply
20. Be right here...right here, right now
21. Aaahhhh, yes

Here. Now. Happy.

2011-03-19T14:34:00.002-04:00

I spent this morning with my two best friends. Judy laid on her bed as we held up her clothes one by one. "Yes." "No." "Ummm, nah." We tossed the future into different piles, letting keepers tell the story of who we're becoming: a tall tree grounded to the beauty of existence; slender power revolving into an indistinguishable knowing; puddling eyes drizzled with sunlit freedom.

Bri & I are down to two weeks until departure for our grand bicycle adventure. My dresser was sold for $20 on Craig's List and the little clothing I kept is resting on Brian's recently cleared bookshelf. In boxes by the door, my art supplies wait their turn. New seeds are being born under florescent lights on the stove. There's a clearing here. There's room for new life.

I pick up my ukulele and play the song that Jodi and I wrote about the comfy red couch, about the coffee from the local shop, about choosing to be together. I walk barefoot through the front yard garden, watching the wine glass path glisten in the sun. I breathe in pollen and car exhaust and sky blue spring time and songs sung by birds.

I read my twitter feed and give all the attention in my bones to the truth of what's happening in the world. I look up and give all the attention in my bones to the truth of what's happening in this room. I pick up my new iPhone and smile at pictures of a long-held dream made manifest; the movements spreading with fiery force.

This is where the stories meet, I think.
This is where everything exists together.
This is where I get down on my knees and kiss the earth and choke up in gratitude and silently scream with my tears.
This is where I am.
Exactly where I want to be.

Letting it all out

2011-03-03T14:19:00.006-05:00

I keep hoping to have my heart cracked open. Do I really know what I'm hoping for? If I did, would I really want it? Yes. I want it all. Somehow. Truly.

Dear Loves,

I bought myself a huge hard-covered sketch book like I had in 12th grade. I'm sketching and writing in big fancy letters and feeling inspired to let it all out. I'm reconnecting in serious ways to the bare bottom of my inspiration. And I'm feeling so hopeful that all this reconnecting will help me show you the real me. I'm so committed to that--to showing up fully as I am. But sometimes it's not easy to figure out how to do that in this space when I'm such a verbal, visual person. The answer, I suppose, is more obvious than I think. Be verbal. Be visual. Be true. Just be true.

A list of things that are inspiring the ba-jesus outta me:

This set of colorful pens and this vast, expansive journal.

This incredible folk opera and the beautiful woman behind it. If this is coming to a venue near you, GO SEE IT. It will not disappoint.

Playing my $26 dollar ukulele like there's no tomorrow.

This inspiring post by Kristin Noelle, and all of her beautiful sketches.

Riding my bike. Even up hills.

Being with my love.

Baring witness to a dear friend letting go of her powerlessness.

Flowers from post-Valentines Day dumpsters scattered all through the house.

The sun.

Revolution against dictators.

This woman's heart-wrenching account of her family's experience with cancer.

Training to become an incredible coach.

Receiving a typewriter letter on neon green paper from a dear old friend.

Being with my parents.

Driving around with my dad, just being with the way he is and loving him for every bit of it.

Laying in the bath, blowing bubbles under the water.

This old post about love.

And this one about hope.

What's inspiring you these days? How do you reconnect to the bare bottom of what brings you joy?

I'd love to know.

The Voice That Seldom Speaks

2011-02-28T19:13:00.001-05:00

There is a voice in me

that cares not

if you wanted or needed to know

what it has to say.

It just says it anyway.

Because it has to.

And then,

there is a voice in me

that seldom speaks.

When do I silence myself?

And when does silence, me?

What 24 Looks Like

2011-02-17T12:46:00.002-05:00

The 60 degree sunshine probably has something to do with my unbelievably happy mood today on my 24th birthday. The day started like most of mine do--with snuggles and kisses and playing footsie in bed. I never take for granted how beautiful Brian is, and how special it is that we found one another.

The cutie made me blueberry pancakes with banana slices on top, sunny side up eggs, and our favorite Qualia coffee in the french press. I didn't do one dish, either! Such a treat!

I bought myself some tunes I've been longing for on Amazon (Amos Lee & Anais Mitchell), and had a ballerina dance session with myself for a good 30 minutes in the middle of the dining room hardwood floor. Sometimes I really wish I'd taken dance classes later in life. It's not too late!

Sitting on the toilet, I thought--what does 24 really look like?

24 looks like traveling home. Returning to some illusive root at the very bottom of everything. Returning to my parents house. Returning to my dress-up days and musical-writing days and dancing-because-it-made-me-happy days. Returning to my father's typewriter and poorly rhyming poems on neon paper and make believe picnic-restaurants in my backyard where nothing costs more than $1.

24 looks like entering a long dark tunnel that somehow feels familiar. Will I psyche myself out with jittery fears? Or will I breathe deeply into the part of me that knows, I have traveled these territories before. Nothing is new here. No terror is bigger than the love that surrounds me. I am safe. We are together.

24 looks daring and playful and powerful and tender, tender, tender. Like a butterfly breaking out of her cocoon. A little bit painful to watch. But also breathtaking. I can fly! I can fly! I can fly! I just fell! Woops!

24 looks like a lightening bolt hitting the tip of my head. Answers flowing in to life-long questions. Electricity signaling through every part of my body with 1,000 channels out. But choosing to keep it in, keep it close, keep it sacred, until the time is really right to let loose.

24 looks like a woman crying in her best friends arms for as long as she needs to, until all the tears are dried up and out. Because nothing matters more than simply being with what's there; remembering that we are made to experience what's really right in front of us--for better or for worse.

24 looks like the darling kid in me that showed up with fierce, sweet, silly, playful energy. And the old mama in me that does the same. 24 looks like this. Like acceptance. Like being with. Like going through. Like knowing how, no matter what the fear, doubt or demons want to say. Like trusting that my power is divinely connected to all power, and that all power boils down to love. Love, love, love. 24 looks like love.

THANK YOU! ~ For being an incredible part of the love that surrounds me. I am so so grateful for each comment, e-mail, click-through, what have you. I'm just thankful to be alive, to be with you, to see & be seen. It's a gift. Thanks for giving your part. It's so so huge.

xoxox

getting more than you bargained for & haircuts that change the world

2011-02-15T22:03:00.003-05:00

almost 3 years ago i made the first drastic haircut of my adult life. i was living in florence, italy, longing to step into the fun life. the life i had deprived myself of for so long. the life that was waiting for me in big, bountiful, bustling ways. i was changing on the inside, and i needed a hair cut to reflect it on the outside. so i went in to john lucca and got myself a beautiful blond curly 'fro. what happened after that was beyond my expectations. the haircut changed me. all the sudden i was out until 2 in the morning, flirting with more men than i could count and dancing until my feet were sore. salute!

a few weeks ago i made the second drastic haircut of my adult life. as i finished trimming brian's hair, i looked myself in the eye and said, it's time. i'm going all in. chopping it all off. buh-bye! the courageous life was waiting for me. the life of acknowledged impermanence. of mess-ups. of awkward stages and being with discomfort.

hah! boy, did i get what i asked for! these past few weeks have been so emotionally charged--loaded with core-rattling realizations, unbelievable breakthroughs, crippling fears and countless steamy baths just to take the edge off.

it's funny how something as simple as a hair cut can be a huge signal to the world that you're no longer the same. no words needed, it's in plain sight. for better or for worse, you have changed. and crazy enough--as if zipping your hair off and committing to a better you wasn't enough--the universe takes your signal as a green light to keep changing you.

we think that opening the door is the bravest thing we'll ever do. in the meantime, we overlook what happens after we open the door. we neglect to give credit to the strength and courage it takes to continue walking, exploring, diving in deep, going wide-eyed through new jungles of the soul, remaining hopeful that you are not lost, but exactly where you need to be.

i am not an expert at remaining hopeful. i'm more prone to over-analysis and a shaming inner-critic that likes to tell me that i am not enough, no matter what i do. when my inner critic lashes out at me, terrified that its normal patterns of pettiness are no longer applicable in these new uncharted territories, i come up against three viable options: scream, cry or laugh. i wish i could report it's been all laughs over here, but unfortunately the screams and tears have prevailed.

i'm not so happy being unhappy. (really?). i'm not so comfortable in discomfort. (again, really?). and i'm temporarily resistant to impermanence. (hah!) being with the unknown, having faith in a process, letting things grow out in their own time--they're a huge challenge for me. still. somehow, something in me is up for the challenge. something in me took those scissors to my scalp, puts my feet to the pedals, rests these fingers on the keyboard. something in me is far braver than i let myself acknowledge.

something in me is willing to have my world truly changed. something in me knows that my courage has already changed the world.

Liminality--

2011-02-07T14:34:00.001-05:00

1. the transitional period or phase of a rite of passage, during which the participant lacks social status or rank, remains anonymous, and shows obedience and humility

2. the condition of being on a threshold or at the beginning of a process

3. a psychological, neurological, or metaphysical subjective state, conscious or unconscious, of being on the "threshold" of or between two different existential planes

hello, liminality. welcome. how long are you expecting to stay? well, either way... i've got the space for you. make yourself at home. *she says with an equally knowing & unknowing sense of trust.*

xo,

rachael

Reporting the Truth

2011-01-21T11:38:00.005-05:00

Truth 1: this self portrait is totally outdated. I cut my hair to a 1inch disaster-puff, and I've been too echhhed out about it to take any pictures of myself! Truth 2: I'm still learning how to focus my lens correctly. Truth 3: I just now considered replacing this picture with a more focused one so I could take out that second truth. ;)

Ha. Hahaha.

Guess what hit me the other day?

I don't really want to report the truth. I want to report the hope. The wish. The way I want things to be, but not necessarily the way things really are. You with me on this? I have a feeling you might be. Since I realized this about myself, I've been listening more closely to what I tell people in person, online, over the phone. There are few souls I trust enough to spill the real beans from the moment we say "hello". I'd like to keep the picture pretty. "Things are just so great with so and so and such and such... Yeah, little struggles here and there... But everything's totally solid... Totally under control." Yes, that's it. I want you to think I've got it all under control, I'm holding it all together, and I think my imperfections are, well, perfect. Reality check: I'm not that enlightened, folks.

Guess what really surprised me though? The first person I put the front on to, is myself.

I have lots of theories about why I do this. But I'm running out the door (to my first every life coaching training, which I'm nervous for, by the way!) so I want to cut right to the chase.

My fear that gets in the way of spilling the honest truth from the get is this:

If I tell my 100% truth, 100% of the time*, will I still be worthy of love?

Really. Let's pause for a second with this. I am at times terrified that telling my 100% truth, 100% of the time means that love will be totally lost on me, and I will plummet into an isolation so vast that loneliness and desperation will be all that I know. Now, I'm overstating things a little bit, it's not that bad most of the time (really). But sometimes, especially when I'm triggered by old fears, that overstatement becomes an unspeakable truth and my terror is nothing short of breathtaking.

Luckily, there's a 2 part short-end answer that's saving my soul right now. It's not fully vetted, but it's a start, and it's helping me.

1. Beneath the ego's responses to truth (our own and others', admitted or perceived) is a well of love that's deep & vast. That well of love is the home of our truest, freest, happiest, best selves. We are always journeying back to that place, into that space. So, whether or not we're touching love on the surface, we are connected to a deeper love at all times. It's that love, the love that comes from the soul of the earth, that we are always worthy of and able to embody, just as soon as we open up to it. That love, the love that some call God or the Universe or Bliss, that love is always waiting for us.

2. Opening up to love that vast can be terrifying because, for most of us, it's not our normal pattern. We're not accustomed to sinking beneath the ego, into our highest selves, into the infinity of blissed out existence. We have no clue where that will take us, if we'll like it or feel comfortable there, or even how the heck to "open to it" in the first place. SO--Any time we choose that opening, we are choosing a huge, unbelievable courage. And any time we choose courage--in even small and unseemly ways--we deserve a big fat celebration. (And there are so many ways we choose courage every day, mostly without our ever recognizing or crediting it...Expect a list soon). We deserve a celebration that rewards our inner kid, that enlivens our excitement for life, that encourages our enthusiasm and spunk. Fear is far too easy to sink into when we forget to reward ourselves for courage. So celebrate we must!

Tonight, after my coaching training, I plan on doing something that my 10 year old self would absolutely go crazy over. Not just to celebrate my courage around beginning this training (although that's definitely part of it), but also to celebrate the endless courage I've been practicing lately in my partnership, in my own coaching practice, with our bike adventure and more. I don't quite know what the celebration will be just yet, because my 10 year old self liked spontaneous decisions. But there will likely be bright colors, or at the very least, bright ideas.

And friends--I've got a lot more practice to go on the Truth Reporting front. It's an intention of mine, and one I'm less afraid of when I remember the well of love that resides within us all. Mostly, it feels good to be more true. It feels a whole lot closer to love.

Do you feel me on this? Do you struggle with reporting the whole truth, freely? If so--what's your hold up? And do you have ways of celebrating your courage? If so--do share! I love me a good celebration ;)

big love,
rachael

*Credit Kate Swaboda's amazingness.

I am

2011-01-18T14:03:00.003-05:00

i am slowly stepping into truer versions of myself
i am discovering that all my power still feels beyond comprehension, but not beyond use
i am confident that my place in the world is this place--right here, right now
i am becoming more and more comfortable with exactly where i am, and how
i am still taunted by doubt, fear, shame, and insecurity
i am manifesting love with gratitude over & over again
i am taking small and strong steps every single day
i am surrounded by things that are more beautiful than i can even comprehend
i am reminded daily of all the heartache and dismal realities that need so much healing & tenderness & attention
i am committed to giving as much attention as i can bare--to my own heart & our collective one
i am not exempt from imperfection, and so very glad to be human
i am happy, simply, to be alive, to "be anything at all"
i am practicing an unraveling, an opening, an acceptance to all that is
i am listening for how acceptance transforms into action
i am shedding back the layers, stripping down, getting into the core
i am hopeful that offering myself as a tool for healing is enough
i am here to live with integrity and passion and purpose and love
i am thankful beyond words

this is where i am today, loves. i'm also inside a terrible hair cut (1 inch! self imposed! yikes!) that i'm mostly chuckling at and sometimes feeling really bad about. where are you? how are you? i'd love to know. really.

it's funny how much i need these kinds of lists and practices. i'm not even quite sure why. but something about laying out exactly how i'm feeling or where i am helps keep me centered and hopeful and trusting that all is well and i'm "on track". even on the occasions of dreary or uncertain lists--i feel glad to process, to get it all out. i hope it doesn't seem too self-indulgent or consumed or whatever. i share because there's power in knowing we're not alone in whatever the heck we're feeling. and there's power in showing up as we are. there's power in shedding back the image and getting into the thick of truth. i'm not even sure if i'm any good at that very thing in the blogosphere--but i'm trying. as a service to myself and as a service to anyone else who needs to hear something real.

this blog has mostly been a space for self-development, and i'm becoming more and more aware & accepting of that. as of now, that's what it will remain as i continue to explore my strengths and purpose.

do you have any ideas, by the way? if you've been reading this blog for a while, what do you enjoy the most? what would you most wish to see? do you even care? are you just happy coming to visit & see where i'm at? (i wonder if that really serves a purpose?) as i clarify what i'm really doing here (expressing my own heart/needs/hopes/fears for all to see), it's got me curious about if there's a better way i could go about being present online. ya know? well--your suggestions are welcome. i'll be thinking about it.

alrighty...i'm hungry and can't avoid lunch for a minute longer! how are you? let me know.

big love,
rachael

You can

2011-01-15T21:21:00.001-05:00

authenticity

2011-01-13T21:57:00.002-05:00

it's such a "played out" word in the blogosphere. but it matters. our unique struggles and stories and victories and ways that we are survivors--they matter so so much. they are the thread of truth that connect us to the blanket we're meant to be comforted in--the blanket of our people. kelly rae roberts wrote about it today. she was so on point.

i just found a little dish of prayers i wrote to the universe a year or so ago, all rolled up and scribbled onto tiny pieces of paper. unraveling each paper, i realized how much beauty and truth each prayer held. they were for my eyes only (and the meek possibility of something greater that just might care what this little heart was hoping for), and within that context, i let my guard down and simply said what needed to be said, asked the real questions, hoped my real hopes. i was simply myself in those prayers. vulnerable. hopeful. sometimes sad. honest. powerful beyond my knowing.

i want to share some of these prayers with you today. because they're peeks into the truth of the questions i had around this time last year. and for me, they're a source of hope. so many of these prayers made manifest. i won't attribute the cause of their manifestation to any one thing in particular--but i will say there is power in laying out our unique and authentic truth--in admitting what our dear souls really long for. maybe that's enough to turn more wheels than we can see--to generate awareness of and openness to the life we've only secretly or subconsciously wished so.

so, here are some prayers that have been answered in ways beyond my imagination over the past year or two...

dear universe,
do you want me to end my relationship with loneliness? if i do, what will i have left with myself? is there room in my life for true love, true friendship and true work?
thanks,
rach

dear universe,
will you let me know if i belong? will you help me find my tribe? will you send me some self-love & healing?
thank you so much.
love,
rachael

dear universe,
i'm worried that i'm not doing enough with my life right now. like i'm choosing to be a "bum". will you help me know if this is true or not?
i want to have a positive influence on the world each day. can you help me trust that i'm on the right track? or maybe already there? can you help me believe that i'm doing just fine?
yours truly,
rachie leigh
ps-i think i'm creating an important clearing right now. what else needs to be cleared?

there are dozens more of where that came from, but that's not the point. the point is this, loves... do you have prayers to write? real true questions your heart's spilling over? go ahead. for your eyes only. speak your truth. let your heart lay down in authenticity. you deserve it. you can do it. and it feels damn good, you know... being yourself in all it's gory goodness. especially when you can give up on the bullying and inner-critic name calling and realize however you realize it, that you are worthy of self-love no matter what condition your "self" is in at the moment. you are worthy of kindness and tenderness and gentle love and attention. you are worthy of your authentic power, your authentic joy, your authentic purpose on earth. and--we all want that person to shine through. really.

dear you,
i love you just as you are.
and i'm rooting for you all the way.
really.
love,
rachael

ps-just in case you have any doubt or curiosity: i preach what i most need to remember. hello, self. show up as you really are. no one else is needed. thanks. ;-) this is part of who i really am. i really, truly, want us both to show up, as we really are. no please or thank you necessary. just big big love.

Courageous Beginnings::A Give Away!

2011-01-10T19:25:00.002-05:00

Lovers, dreamers, soul-sistahs and brothahs... Kate's having a big old partay to celebrate the launch of her Courageous Living Guides, and guess who gets a prize? One lucky winner who comments on this post!

The giveaway is for the first of four Courageous Living Guides -- Courageous Beginnings -- an e-program that's all about creating a real foundation for change.

I believe so deeply in the power of starting where we are, and stepping right into our juicy truth, just as it is. Kate has an uncanny way of helping us own our stories, uncover our values, tend to our deepest needs, and transform our relationship with our Inner Critic so we can live the lives we were meant for all along.

It sounds like a lot because it is! Which is why having powerful resources to help us through is priceless.

Courageous Beginnings offers practical tools for people who are ready to take the plunge into living happier, more fulfilling lives.

In Kate's words...

This is a program of curiosity, presence, and getting to what really matters for people who want a heart-centered approach to making shifts that actually last.

When you know that your life isn’t working, and it hasn’t been working for awhile, this is the place to start.

Courageous Beginnings is nearly 200 pages of written content and exercises, containing more than 35 lessons and 19 videos that complement lessons, plus interviews.

Wowza! Generosity = Enlivening. Kate is a maven of generosity.

Interested? Comment here by 9pm EST on Tuesday 1/11, stating one thing you're hopeful about in 2011 and your e-mail address so I can contact the winner. A winner will be chosen via random.org and announced on the night of the 11th!

*Pixie dust sprinkled! Happy commenting!*

~~~

WOO HOO! The winner is Ashley! (You're all winners, really. Thanks so much for commenting! I'm so full of hope for each of you, that your wildest dreams are already waiting...) Big love, xoxo

Gratitude from the Comfy Red Couch

2011-01-09T16:09:00.003-05:00

There's no place I'd rather be on a Saturday afternoon than sitting on the Comfy Red Couch drinking coffee, listening to music, talking about nothing and everything with my fellow commune-mates. It's such a simple joy, being surrounded by people you love who love you back for exactly who you are. It's an enormous gift that I'm counting my blessings for day after day.

With 80 days until our Epic Bike Journey, the little things, which are really the biggest things in my life, are sketching themselves like a smiling profile against a blanketing blue sky. Brunches, dinners, chocolate chip cookies, the simple act of cleaning the kitchen, spontaneous art projects and dance parties and times we exclaim, "Yes!" to each other's wildest dreams. I'm sitting back, watching this masterpiece re-create itself over and over again, feeling immense gratitude to be part of something so beautiful.

I'm holding onto the beauty, these days especially, as we brush up against the end of an era--and the beginning of new a new one. What's to come for us, post-commune, post-Sunday Couch Sits? It's a mystery. Really. So much is unknown. But I know it's bound to be daring, bound to involve risk, and sure to shape our souls for the better. We will survive and we will thrive, because that's who we are. We show up big for this thing called Life. We step into the terror and the comfort and we hold it all with gratitude for simply being so.

These past 2 years at the Green Vine Co-op has healed my need for a certain kind of home, a certain kind of community, a certain kind of being known. And this past year, when my closest friends on earth decided that nothing mattered more than being in the same space, I was opened again to the greatest kinds of joy and power. I walked alongside believers, possibilitiarians, hopefuls, and doers. I stood in a puddle of Love. And Joy sat with us on the Comfy Red Couch because it had nowhere else to go and nothing else that mattered nearly as much.

It's true that I've got a lump of Terror in my throat over our bike trip. Who wouldn't? This is no sane or stable undertaking. It's a dream. A possibility. The result of saying Yes to that crazy look in the other's eyes. And--it's actually going to happen. Most of my biggest fears are highly manageable, but some are more like lingering truths that I'm sure will eventually surface: I'll get jaded on the road, I'll miss my friends, I'll be tired and rundown and eventually get sick, I'll go insane, I'll want to quit 2 weeks in. The big fears of either of us dying or getting seriously injured seem less real, less likely. But they're there, too.

Yesterday, on the Comfy Red Couch, we whispered our fears in between our thank you's. We took more time between sentences to just sit and be together. We felt the power and the joy of what we'd created. Something as simple and strong as tribe. Something as necessary as breathing.

And gratitude found its way into my shortened breaths, pulling them out with hope, elongating them with knowing: we chose to create this tribe once, we can chose it again. We can.

The P Word and The Movement

2011-01-06T15:00:00.015-05:00

I've become the kind of person who can't get through the morning news without cursing at the screen. I know I'm not alone in this. So many talented friends of mine, hearts as big as Mars, can hardly stand reading the Express. So we don't.

We have our own way of gauging what's going on in the world. How many people smiled at me today? How many cold & hungry asked for spare change? How many walked past, pretending not to see? How many friends have salaried jobs, health care, and a home, right along side anxiety attacks, e-mail overload and multiple methods of numbing? How many advertisements did I get sucked into reading? How many stereotypes did I get suckered into believing? How many times did I catch myself feeling totally alone while standing amidst dozens?

They're subjective markers, sure. The opposite of fully vetted, yes. But their gauging the human & spiritual effects of a system designed for competition to beat compassion, even as it slyly uses it.

So it's hard for me to write about the Politics. How do I say it all without sounding totally lost on hope? How do I say we're being fucked by the system and also say that we can build a new one, if I'm not sure I believe it so? (Dear lord, let it be so!)

As my Twitter friend Peter S Lopez reminded me... We must not forget that we are still engaged in a process of Spiritual Healing. Sometimes News angers... Sometimes we can be counting our blessings, yet aware of hell on Earth.

Peter's right. It's not a contradiction to be thankful and enraged simultaneously. We cannot decide which realities to keep and which to ignore without ignoring an essential part of our whole hearts--a core part of our psyche that knows, there is much to undo in this world, and much that we can contribute to that undoing, to igniting a Global Renaissance of Love.

We all need that love, for our own good and for the good of all. A trampled soul has a limited fight-time defending something it's forgotten how to feel.

Us big-hearted folks, the ones easily tampered by injustice or broken by betrayal, we've got to find our Movement. Our Movement that looks at the entire spectrum of the problem and the entire spectrum of the solution, and finds at least part of an answer in Compassion and at least another part in Solidarity. And then we've got to see how our Movement is inextricable from all other movements for empowerment and justice and love, let's not forget love.

Where are you, Movement? Must we make you? Must we be you?

I don't want to keep pretending that I can't engage in politics just because they've done their duty breaking me. I don't want to pretend that I'm broken, when there's a fire in my heart that's roaring.

Assateague Island, New Year's Night

2011-01-02T14:49:00.009-05:00

His chest rose and crashed like waves on sand.
I lied awake listening to both,
nestling in by his side, catching his heat in mine,
cold air whistling through the damp nets of our tent.

The embers had cooled,
my giggling friends gone in slumber.
All I knew was myself,
drippy nose, eyes open, tasting the dew of the hidden moon
and my tender midnight fear.

Sometimes I like to keep the flashlight a glow
a little longer than needed
so I can lay there wondering, without falling asleep,
if I'll ever feel normal in the wild.

That night there were horses licking the bottom of my steel pan,
and old fears washed up on the shore with the shells.
The shells--the shells spoke to me with fury,
writing messages beyond paper, beyond words.

I listened, as the waves gave their soul to the sand,
as the clouds kissed purple through the sky,
as my own teeth calmed their chattering mistrust.

I lied awake next to my love,
eyes open to the peaking and retreating night.
I lied awake there in silence,
tasting strength on my tongue,
hearing songs of powerful wind--
thanking the Wild Surrender,
that I could just as soon, call my own.
Just as soon as the geese call the bridges their
staircase to the sky.

A Love-Filled 2010, Bring on the Power

2011-01-01T12:20:00.000-05:00

2010 was the most love-filled year I can remember. It wasn't without tears or anxiety or complete nervous breakdowns. There were plenty of those! But for each one, there were equal nights standing at the kitchen counter holding a dear one's hand as one of us shed those tears or confessed our aching. There was communion and listening and no-words-needed and just the right touch. There was real deep love. Love that's taken years to form and grow comfortable in. Love with housemates, best friends, new friends, strangers, Brian, and my very own heart. Love that I am so so thankful for and will never take for granted.

I chose "daring" as my word for 2010, and a daring year it was. I dared to spend a month away, re-learning what it means to feel joy. I dared to quit my soul-sucking marketing job and embrace my inner-educator and entrepreneur. I dared to read my poetry to strangers, sell my art, and begin the vibrancy that is now Small is Beautiful Arts Collective. Brian & I dared to defy norms, having a pot-luck, grass-roots, no isle or officiant, "love-fest" wedding. I dared to take my dreams more seriously in so many ways that are still unfolding as we speak. And I committed, full-heartedly, to our unbelievably daring 7 month bike adventure across and around the USA.

The funny thing is, if 2010 was full of daring experiences even before the bike trip, what could I possibly hope for in 2011?

Power. Power to do or act--to accomplish something. Power to choose how I experience my experiences. Power to change and power to accept. Power to speak and power to inspire. Power to move, push and breathe from one place to another. Power to practice without ever needing to make perfect. Power to believe that even without knowing how, even without feeling strong, even without any certainty or understanding, there is a divine power greater than I that is working on my behalf, and rooting for me (all of us, really) all the way. Power to feel gratitude for all the beauty that surrounds us--but most of all, for the way it emboldens us with courage to step into every ounce of divinity we carry.

2010, thanks for such big love. 2011, I'm ready for you. I'm ready for your power.

Happy Holidays~My Wish for Us All

2010-12-23T17:41:00.005-05:00

If I could give anything to the people I love this holiday season, I'd give openness to change for the better. I'd give courage to embrace the immense power within. I'd give trust to take care of each others hearts and our own. I'd give hope that trusting won't be for the worst. I'd give joy as we travel our journeys, no matter where they take us.

But sometimes all you can really give is understanding. Compassion extended from your heart to theirs. Empathy and the patience to be with whatever, however. Deep knowing that we're all in it together, each struggling in our own unique way to make peace and be love. These things take time and gentleness, and they don't come from nothing. But they're not impossible.

Each day we have a choice, no matter our circumstances: to see or to shield, to judge or to gaze softly, to accept or to resist, to act or to shut down.

Some days we bounce between choices like a ping-pong ball--unsure which side of the table we'll fall from, until by the slightest stroke of chance and skill, one side wins.

The winning team isn't always love--even for the most skilled players. But it's not all about winning, is it?

Because we're all really on the same team, aren't we? The team that wants, more than anything, to be seen, heard, respected and cared for. The team that doesn't want to divide and conquer, but wants to unite and uplift. That's us--the humans. We're mostly common people, wanting common decent things. We can be in it together, if we choose to be.

Wishing you these things this year, because they're possible, because you're worth them, and because even when they don't come true--we have each other to fall back on. We have each other to unite again and try again, for the ideals we were meant to embody. For a kinder kind of love. Let's do this thing.

love,
rachael

Believe in Your Power

2010-12-15T19:42:00.002-05:00

What if...

you believed that whatever power you have right now is enough to make a real difference in the world?
you don't need to know how to begin in order to begin?
your fear is smaller than your divine purpose on earth?
you stopped holding on to stories that keep you small?
you're being held by something greater than you?--what if we all are?
you believed that perfection is overrated and you are enough?
you knew that there are no mistakes that will kill you?
you opened your heart to tenderness and forgiveness?
you decided that nothing matters more than choosing love over and over again?
you knew how much you have to give?

would you begin giving?

if you're here tonight feeling the profound need to step into your power--the power that knows, wholeheartedly, how much you have to give--know that you are not alone, sweet friend.

it's easy to forget and there are 1,000 things we could blame for our forgetting: the job we don't have, the pay we're not earning, the help we're not seeing, the system that's not supporting us, the sleep we're not getting. i see it. you're talking to an anti-oppression, anti-capitalist socialist over here. these things are true and there is plenty lacking. but amidst all that's lacking and all the ways we're made to believe that we are broken, hopeless victims to life, what if we believed that our race is stronger than that? that our spirits are fiercer and our souls wiser than believing the lie that we are powerless? what if we revolted, together, with tiny acts of courage in the name of hope, in the name of kindness, in the name of the kind of humanity we want to belong to?--a powerful, generous and loving one.

i'm asking myself these questions tonight and finding daring answers. are you with me? will you answer this first question, too?

what if you believed that whatever power you have right now is enough to make a real difference in the world? what kind of difference would you make?

i really hope you share your answers with me. i've got something brewing that i'll share with you, too as soon as i can. i would love it if you let me know that i'm not in this process alone! remember, when you dare to take your power seriously, you can do powerful things. i'm so looking forward to revealing our power together!

Eternal Sunshine & a story from the beginning of our love

2010-12-08T21:51:00.003-05:00

The other night, Brian and I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time since the beginning of our relationship. Back then I had little belief in true lasting love. Really. I was a hopeless romantic full of doubt. I wanted to be in love so badly, but I was terrified of coming close to it. Coming close to love had a way of triggering all my worst fears... If I start to love someone they surely won't love me back, If I want to be loved I can't be authentic, If I let my true self show it won't be enough, I am incapable of loving without judging and my judgments will ruin you, me and our love so let's just quit while we're ahead, I will break the heart of anyone who falls in love with me.

I can wholeheartedly say (and have said to many people) that Brian picked up all my shattered pieces and taught me how to love. And he did it by accepting me. He sat with all my neroutic fears and bundles of terror. He saw through them to the heart of who I was--a brave and hopeful girl who wanted to be in love but wasn't quite sure how.

I will never forget those nights, my first semester of college, sitting up late at night on his twin bed in his tiny apartment room, street lights flooding in through the blinds, tears flooding down my face and Brian simply listening. Those nights saved me. They gave me the chance to expose all my broken parts and have them held in tenderness. It was the biggest relief.

Us back then

But still, I tried to break up with him over and over again -- for no rational reason except that I was terrified, and that changing habits takes time. When that happened, he'd look me in the eye and ask, "How long do you want to hold on to your fear? You could refuse to commit for the rest of your life in the name of fear. But one day, you'll be ready to choose. And that day, you'll realize it's not all about who, but what. Love or fear. Do you love me?"

I did. I loved him so much and I knew it in my bones. It wasn't about him. It was about my inability to say "okay" to my terror. It was about my resistance to the way things were.

But Brian sat with me. And sitting with something, as is, will do incredible things. Open you to tenderness. Open you to the truth. Open you to acting with love over fear.

We watched Eternal Sunshine the other night, it hit me in huge ways. This is a clip from the very end of the movie. To catch you up to speed, in case you haven't seen it, Clementine and Joel fall in love, but after a year or so, Clementine decides erratically after a fight that she wants Joel erased from her memory completely. Joel finds out and decides the only way to cope is to do the same. The movie mostly consists of their beautiful memories as they're being erased by special neuro-docs. After both of their memories of one another have been erased, they re-meet and fall back in love. Only, a woman working for the memory doctor sends all past patients, Joel & Clementine included, tapes that were recorded pre-memory erasing, explaining why they wanted to erase that person from their memory. Leading up to this clip, Joel's listening to the tapes of what he said about Clementine, and she hears them. They're nasty and broken-hearted sounding. The way you would talk about someone who's hurt you so badly that you want them erased from you memory. But he's hearing them for the first time--his memory of her and their relationship totally blank. Reel the clip.

Eternal Sunshine

This scene in particular brought me back to those late nights on Brian's twin bed. My terror surfacing, his acceptance saving me. My fear jumping off bridges, his patience catching me. The act of saying "okay" is no small thing. I might need to remind myself over and over again of how beautiful and inspirational sitting with the messy parts of being human actually is. How it was that very thing, offered up by someone else, that gave me the most powerful relationship I've ever known. And how it is that very thing that can take me to wherever I dream of going.

Acceptance. Saying "okay". Knowing it really is.

A new habit worth forming.

So--in the name of practicing, I'll offer up some truth of how I am right now, as is. And I'll offer it with a quiet prayer for acceptance... May I hold myself with tenderness for all the ways my being manifests, past, future and present. Amen.

achey
tired
nervous about money
nervous about always putting myself out there
wiped
pensive
hopeful
over it
ready to take a bath and go to bed

Dear souls, how are you feeling right now? Feel free to show your true self in the comments below. Sometimes it takes being seen and accepted by another to begin seeing and accepting ourselves. We can practice being seen together. I'll honor you as you are.

big love,
rachael

love letter to a changing heart

2010-12-07T12:59:00.006-05:00

dearest heart,

i honor the dance you're doing between fear and faith. it's so hard to change patterns, isn't it? but you're doing a really great job. i know how easy it is for me to run you around without your consent, without checking in to see how you're doing. i want to be extra gentle with you during this transitional time. i want to extend my deepest form of love. i'm ready to ask, how can i be more loving? i have a feeling the deepest love i can offer includes persistence, patience and acceptance -- an odd combo, but an important one.

so here it goes:

i promise to persistently believe that you are worthy of gentle attention and slow breaths of awareness. i promise to insist that you are meant for calm strength and deep power. i promise to point you toward love-based action rather than fear-based avoidance over and over again.

i promise to be patient with the process of faith. i promise to give you all the time you may need. i promise to extend kindness and forgiveness as you inevitably fall into old patterns of fear and anxiety. those patterns are part of the process of faith. there's no linear end. there's a dance. i promise to let you dance as you will -- some nights sexy, some nights stepping on your own feet, some nights completely letting go with joy and freedom.

i promise to accept you for exactly where you are. to love all your sides and hidden parts. your shame, your pride, your ego, your humility. i promise to withhold judgment -- because judgment hurts us both. i promise to honor you as you are.

are you feeling any better? if not, that's okay. just know that you are in an incredible space of opening to the way things are. try, if you can, to believe that seeing is the very thing that points us in the direction of honest love--the direction of spiritual power. you're seeing. it's big. like, revolutionary big. you're there. trust me. just keep going.

all the love in the universe,
rachael

ps--if you're wondering where to go or how to move, dear heart, i'd say take one bold step in direct defiance of fear. fear's getting tired of hearing herself talk, anyway. it's true!

pps--i am so excited for you.

Chosen Truths

2010-12-06T14:52:00.003-05:00

Nothing feels that out of reach when you've already leaped into the incredible unknown.
Anything's reachable when you start in an unreachable place.
You can open the door to your heart's big love, big power.
You can savor sweetness.

"When you go ahead and do that one dreamy thing, everything else becomes possible." - Brian
You have more to give when you dare to accept the glorious gifts given to you.
Fear is a manageable friend, and there's no good reason to let it run your life.
Choosing the most extraordinary dream, and naming it achievable, will change your life if you let it.
You can let your life be changed for the better.
You can take all the time you need.
You are already on your way.
I know it to be true.

Because all the mis-steps towards the things you're not meant for, paves a path to what you were meant for all along.

Big love, friends. Big faith. Big belief in your journey, in mine, in ours. Whadda ya say? What are you choosing as truth today? Are you accepting that your truth is a choice?

Sending you compassion today, hoping you're being gentle with the simple way things are. I know I'm doing my best. It's enough. It's gotta be.

love letter to an aching heart

2010-12-05T17:10:00.002-05:00

Dearest Heart,

I want you to know that I am with you today. Right here, right now. Can you feel me breathing with you? Honoring the space you need and deserve? I am here with love and acceptance for wherever you are. I honor whatever state you embody because I recognize that they are all part of the miracle of life. Your saddness is the miracle that opens to lightness. Your tension is the miracle that opens to freedom. Your neglect is the miracle that opens to attention.

I see you for what you are. I'm with you all the way. All of you. And I love you til the end.

Yours,
Rachael

Wishing each of your hearts the tender attention they might need. May you know the simple act of choosing love, may you feel the profound affect of paying attention, and may you trust that it changes everything for the better. Truly.

the power of acceptance & wisdom from kate courageous

2010-11-29T15:49:00.005-05:00

tonight i'm doing my best to see with kindness the simple way things are. i'm feeling like a major beginner, novice to the throws of gentleness. ya know? i'm not used to treating myself kindly, not used to telling myself with sincerity that i am enough, and so is my life. ask me to pass compassion out to others and you'll get an enthusiastic, sure! but ask me to extend compassion to myself and i'd be embarrassed to admit how hard it feels. something tells me i'm not alone on this.

luckily, here & now is a fine place to be, imperfections and resistance included. mistrust and judgment welcome. (not especially favored, but they can stay for now if they insist.) double-luckily, there are fantastic resources in the universe for those of us who know or hope that we signed up for self-love and enoughness in this lifetime, even if we're feeling unsure of how to embrace them.

let me introduce you to one of those resources: kate courageous. kate's a life coach, writer and teacher of fierce honesty and profound kindness. (check. her. out!) i've recently had the special opportunity to work with kate one-on-one via the Courageous Year (due to her deep generosity--so thankful). in our tender and awakening coaching session, kate asked me to journal on this question every day for a month:

"if i accepted life as is right now, what would i stand to gain?"

by "accepted" kate wasn't implying "ignore" or "do nothing about", but embrace wholeheartedly the reality of my life right now.

what would i stand to gain if i accepted my reality, as is? -- the amount of money i'm making, the job i'm working, my circumstances? what would i stand to gain if i accepted my fear, my anxiety, my huge expectations that i don't always fulfill, that i have huge expectations to begin with? what would i stand to gain if i accepted my resistance?

in her Level-1 e-book of the Courageous Year (now transforming into Courageous Living Guides--highly recommended), kate writes this:

Acceptance is freedom because when we are okay with reality just being reality, we suffer less. It will take you as much time to accomplish your goals as it's going to take. Period. No more time, no less time. Can you accept that? Can you be okay with how long it will take? There will be as many challenges along the way as there will be challenges along the way. No more challenges, no fewer challenges. Can you accept that? Can you be okay with challenges coming up as you're BEing your journey?

i have to pause with these questions and really ask myself, "can i?" the answer i keep getting is, "yes. i can accept the way it is. but i haven't been."

i haven't been giving myself space to see, and it's hard to accept the things i'm not seeing. seeing takes stillness. it takes deep breaths and gentle awareness. (which kate would say takes slowing down. i agree.)

so i'm over here practicing. first, being present to my experiences, then, being gentle with what i see.

we all deserve the gift of gentleness. we all deserve to be held in love and compassion. even by our own selves. especially by our own selves. and it takes a serious commitment of love to and from our own selves to give and receive that gift. will we always choose seeing? will we always choose gentleness? no. but we can hold our choices, whatever they are, with compassion as part of the process. (we can!... and--we can forgive ourselves when we don't... another wise truth from kate.)

so today i've done my part to offer as much gentleness as i could muster. i cried on the phone to a friend, made myself tea, took a half hour bath with candles surrounding me, made a promise to pay attention to my swelling heart even at the bustling dinner table (then proceeded to do so), and came downstairs for some loving alone-time as soon as dinner was over. i'm listening with attention and intention tonight, feeling certain that this is the way, that this is the place where trust is born -- in extended kindness to the needy corners of our hearts; in being with the way things are, exactly as they are; in holding a space for gentleness no matter the circumstances.

and tonight, i'm feeling deep gratitude for the power of seeing, of opening to what’s true, of loving off ledges, of breathing into calm, of filling the soul with tenderness and trust.

offering you space for attention and kindness, in any way you might desire, in the comments below. big love, friends. and big trust that gentleness is waiting for you just as swiftly as you believe it so.

The Sometimes I'm Holding Onto

2010-11-20T14:31:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it can't all happen as fast as you would like for it to.
Sometimes waiting is a divine act of faith.
Sometimes your heart needs to be pushed to the limits of its unhappiness before it can claim the joy it was meant for all along.
Sometimes there's nothing to do but believe.
Sometimes you can give your expectations a rest, and let your tired heart surrender to the way things are going
Sometimes it will seem like you're riding with the wind.
Sometimes it will feel like you're up against a monsoon.
Sometimes there will be an army on your side.
Sometimes all you'll hear is "no", "not now" or "how?"

No matter how the tide is carrying you today, I hope you can find a bit of hope in your heart and some release in your soul. I hope we can trust that every mis-step or side-track, every doubt or hurdle, is part of the path, part of the way, part of the story of how it's all meant to unfold.

I'm holding onto hope myself these days. Knowing that the only way through is through, and patience can be my dearest friend. Sending you so much love and rest this weekend. Hoping you're well, hoping you're feeling alive as can be.

My Friends, The Feisty Ones

2010-11-11T11:21:00.005-05:00

I've been tutoring high schoolers in the District for the past few months, and I'm having a frickin' blast. 3:30pm rolls around and I've got a clan of students, all smiles and jokes, gathering at my table, pulling out their homework, slipping in sly remarks like, "Where your pigtails at, Miss Rachael?" Or "Did you miss me, Miss Rachael? I know it must be hard those other 22 hours of the day you not with me, Miss Rachael." I smile and tell them, "It's true. You're the highlight of my day." And I'm not lying when I say it.

Where I work, students can receive after school tutoring in a number of places: their teacher's classroom, study hall, or detention.

I prefer detention.

Why? Because that's where the feisty students are. And I love feisty.

feisty
–adjective

1. full of animation, energy, or courage; spirited; spunky; plucky.

2. ill-tempered; pugnacious.

3. troublesome; difficult.

To me, feisty reads powerful. For better or for worse. Here... let me paint it out...

Feisty + Confusion = A number of Tragic Situations (Bullying, Fear, Disrespect, Attention-Craving)

However...

Feisty + Self-Development = A Chain of Hallelujahs! (Integrity, Vision, Passion, Confidence)

I think we can all agree that when you're working with feisty, self-development is especially essential. Likely even more than academic development because of the need for deeper focus and heart-felt intention to inform priorities and passions--to point that feisty power in the direction of love and more love.

I must admit, I love my feisty friends because I can relate to them (call me Miss Feisty Rachael). Every day I feel like I am on a self-developmental path right along side my students, and I do my best to let them know it, to show them the ways we're not so different after all.

I come clean to them about my fears every day. And every time I let them in on one of mine--"I'm terrified about riding my bike across country."--they let me in on one of theirs--"I'm afraid I'll always suck at reading."

We move on quickly passed our fears. We get into the assignment at hand. We take our time with it, reading each word slowly, sounding things out little by little, piecing sentences together until they finally make sense.

They ask me, "Where's your bike today?" I tell them, "I wasn't feeling brave enough." They tell me, "That's okay. Tomorrow's another day." I tell them, "For us both. Thank god!"

Together, as if we were long-time friends, we check in on each other's hearts, each other's progress, with laughs and jokes a-plenty. With vulnerability, and all. It's sweet, to say the least. And I'm beyond grateful for the lightness and connection that follows coming clean together.

~~~

I'm thinking about my young friends today, curious about what questions might continue to offer a path toward lightness, integrity, and confidence. I've got a handful jotted down, but I'd like to know from you, what questions you wish someone had asked you in high school? The comments are open for your hindsight & wisdom. And I'm thankful in advance.

Nothing More Dangerous

2010-11-06T01:26:00.004-04:00

"Falling in love and creating safety are like the opposite. There's nothing more dangerous than falling in love." - Susan Piver

Taking a vow to love anything for any period of time, let alone for as long as we shall live, is well, terrifying. Begin even opening up to the idea of loving something new for just a short period of time, and you'll know just what I mean. Want to play the guitar (because it's awesome and you secretly think you could become a full-time indie rock star if you just stuck it out)? Great! Let the onslaught of not-good-enough-to-keep-going begin.

Loving anything with long-term intentions--your partner, your work, your surroundings, the moment--calls us to change; to deepen, to widen, to expand. And change is never safe. It calls us to question; ways to improve, what went wrong, what the heart is truly capable of. And questioning is never safe.

Loving, against our liking, calls us to trust our unmeasurable discomfort and our unavoidable impermanence as part of the path to freedom. But just to be clear, we don't travel to freedom. We open to freedom. It's always a choice, it's always facing us, and it's never without danger.

Here's the thing: I want love and I want freedom, and if that means immortality and discomfort, I want those things too. I want the tears and the laughter and the quiet simple hope. I want trust in knowing that living at life's limits is the fullest way to experience life, even if it's anything but easy to do.

Choosing to love, despite it's danger, is a like choosing freedom instead of fear.

Yes! I want that. Who doesn't? But like most things, it's easier said than done. So when Brian and I created our wedding vows one short month ago, we took the challenge into consideration. Part of what we said to each other was this:

The reason I wanted to do this is because I have full faith in you and full faith in this... our ongoing commitment to loving each other until the end, no matter what form that love has to take in order to survive.

This last part, I think, is the deal breaker. (Check back with me in two decades to confirm.) It's the difference between love that lasts and love that fades. A willingness to let go of the old, broken ways and move on to something new. Innovation. Courage. Change.

The way we love will morph. But We. Will. Love. No matter what it takes. No matter how it has to look. Until we both shall pass.

Why? Because we're unsatisfied with anything else--any pretending or shadowing or seeming to be something we're not. We're striving, with earnestness, for satisfaction, mystery, excitement. And they don't just come from pink fuzzy handcuffs or cabin get-aways (though these things can definitely help). They come from striving for the truth. Even the inconvenient truth. Even the truth you wish wasn't true. I'm not claiming that we're great at this, and we don't always do it. I can promise you that. We certainly have and will continue to experience dissatisfaction, disillusionment, confusion and fear that we've lost the real thing. The good news is...

Fessing up about our fear of loss is the real thing.

It's compassionate. It's fierce. It's tender. It's truth-seeking. It's the way love lasts.

We've been fessing up a lot lately. It's terrifying. It's groundbreaking. It's saving us every time.

We've also been surrendering to this truth: Dulling your alertness in order to make peace now, is a pathway to war later. And we've been opting for alertness. Not just with our romance, but our work, our dreams, our money values. We want to love them all. In a way that honors us both as individuals, forcing neither of us to de-self. In a way that cradles our union and strengthens our trust. In a way that helps the world, too. We're waking up little by little, and with every flicker of light, I'm inspired to go even further.

Committing to love is dangerous work. So dangerous, that more times than us humans care to admit (myself, especially), we implode. We diminish our partnerships, screaming, blaming, sighing, resenting. We break down our bodies, getting sick, sore, sleepless. But what we can easily overlook is that our implosion is a blessing--a signal that our fire is beginning to fade--and we have the choice to see it or ignore it. To pay attention or numb. To practice fear or practice love.

It's not easy. It takes work. And it's likely that every time we begin the work of listening with more compassion, we'll be challenged to a new level. That's the way it goes. Listening moves us farther.

The process gets easier when we begin to accept discomfort; when we begin to expect the need to morph, to deepen, to expand our openness.

Love gives everything, but asks the same of us.

This might sound like unfortunate news. The good news is, I might be wrong. Maybe love asks nothing of us but to open our hearts and wait. (But if you've ever tried this, you'll know, it's something.) Still. Maybe love is always there, hoping for you to try it on, walk around in it some until you begin wearing it like your favorite pair of jeans. And the great news (and terrifying new--because nothing great is without a little terror) is that the sky's the limit when you're wearing something that fits. Standing in your authenticity and power creates wildly dangerous and life-altering choices. Line-walking excitement. Adventure. Heart-shattering awareness. Really sexy dancing. Sobbing release. Play!

That's what I want. And I want you to have it, too. Because I think it's a keyhole to happiness. Not a turn-key. Not an easy entrance. An opening. An opportunity. Danger, included. Heart-thumping, and all. Choosing freedom over fear. Practicing alertness and innovation. Fessing up about all the ways love is lost on you. Granting access to the aching excitement of truth.

I hope somehow, sometime soon, this door opens wider for us both. And somehow, sometime soon, you will open more doors in my heart that I don't yet know exist. I'm here listening for any clues you have to offer, listening for when and how to move. The truth is, you've already moved me this far. As much as I love where I am, I love the motion most.

Today, I'd be honored if you told me anything true. Anything at all, really. The comments are yours for the taking. And I'll respond to every one of them.

focused on the truth, focused on together

2010-11-02T12:15:00.003-04:00

I'm back in the process of writing quickly and authentically. Writing to get things out, to sort things out, to get as close as I can to the truth no matter what it is. This is the kind of writing that matters to me, that affects me, that changes me in profound ways. And when I'm far from it, when I'm writing with the worry of what others might think--when I'm trying to impress--I lose my essence, my point, my focus.

Focusing has been a calling lately. I feel like I'm being pushed to the edges of my understanding and being asked to really step it up in some ways in my life. I'm trying to focus on my internal compass, trying to let my most knowing self be a guide in the process to sort through our next steps as a financial, emotional, and spiritual partnership.

How can we help each others' happiness? How can we use our strengths to support each others' dreams and visions? When do we need to ask for help? Who do we need to ask? How can we not lose sight of our real ingredients for joy & meaning? How can we not get lost in the whirl wind of societal norms, and just stay true & focused? When do I just need to bite the bullet and do the extra work? How can I know what investments are worth it? Is the timing right to step toward the dream that's been waiting for my attention? Can we both step forward, into the dark to pursue our dreams, at the same time? Or does one of us have to hang back in the light, as an anchor in security, as an access point to safety? Does safety ever really exist? Are we wise or are we foolish? Can we trust our instincts? Can we dare to act on them?

I'm sitting over here with very few answers, but with the comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my wondering. We're exploring these questions together, being brave, being honest, asking for what we need even if it feels scary or selfish. We're growing into deeper partnership, and we're exploring the boundaries of scarcity and abundance.

I hope my gut knows best. I hope abundance is a simple shift in mindset, a knowing that when we're in it together so much is possible, and when we leap into the unknown with passion and with plans our deepest dreams really are attainable. I hope that scarcity is only as real as our fear of potential--potential for support, for kindness, for collaboration, for help, for actually living the life we want to live one tiny step at a time. And that abundance comes flowing in as soon as we're really willing to ask for it, really ready to work for it, really open to living it. Am I? Are we? Or are we still shedding back the layers of baggage that tell us we've got to be somewhat miserable, always striving, never really satisfied?

Truthfully, we're in that space, too. We're in the space between hoping and knowing, between fighting for the good life, or settling for the average life. And I'm not talking make-a-shit-ton-of-money-but-work-yourself-miserable "good life". I'm talking have-just-enough-doing-what-we-love good life. The life that our capitalist economy does not want us to have. The life that we're privileged to have a chance at. The life that can still give gifts and make change, without feeling completely draining and defeated. It's hard to take the leap into this life--especially as a partnership.

It's hard to figure out how we can make it happen together. How we can both feel valued and honor each other's needs along the way. But it's got to be better than making it happen alone. If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that so much is possible when we truly go at it together. When we show up and decide to really live with the power of both of our hearts pumping truth and passion into our joint vision--our duely empowering vision--our vision of two happy people rocking out at what they each love, helping each other find personalized fulfillment, knowing that without our individual happiness, our joint happiness is a fluke. But also knowing that we somehow need to hold onto the "we"--and that somehow comes in the form of being together, being honest, being committed to our own growth and the other's growth, being willing to really change in tiny but profound ways, being with each other in the dark.

I want to show up and really live together. Live the hard, live the challenges, live the deliriously happy, live the tears. I want to live it all together--including the simple moments of in between when all we know is we're not in it alone and our commitment is a force to be reckoned with.

father & son

2010-10-25T14:19:00.001-04:00

meet my good friend daniel lee, serenading with soul & beauty...
so thankful for people like this in the world.

Trusting Nothing

2010-10-24T22:13:00.001-04:00

what if the mess on your floor doesn't need tidying, and the time on your hands doesn't need filling?
what if there is no next step, nothing to add to the list, nowhere to be, and no one to feel obligated to?
what if you aren't foolish when you have nothing to report on?
what if the truth is--most of us don't?
what if you don't need to know where you're going or just how?
what if the empty space is an important placeholder, as your heart begins to shift into knowing?
what if all that's powerful & good comes from quietly trusting the wide open unknown?
what if you believed that something could be born out of nothing?

these are the questions i've been asking myself lately, dear friends, as i float through my life, completely ignoring the heaps of clothing everywhere, the un-answered phone, the un-showered body, the un-ridden brand new bicycle that's staring me down with shine, the un-written thank you notes. i haven't been able to do much post-wedding. my body feels tired and my mind wiped. but here's the groundbreaking twist that i keep coming up with--the thing that's keeping my soul sane:

nothing, as excruciating and terrifying as it may sometimes feel, is actually something.

nothing is vital space, stillness, openness, emptiness, answerless, and formless mojo.

nothing is defiant and powerful, giving us the rare opportunity to choose compassion over misery, patience over haste, gratitude over self-pity, and awareness over ego.

i've been trying these things the past week, as i lounged on the couch a whole heck-of-a-lot:

not rushing to fill the nothing
loving the untraveled corners of my heart that i've been venturing into--mystery and all
gathering trust in the glimpses and pebbles that emerge, without needing to instantly turn them into definite somethings
forgiving myself when i revert to somethings i know i don't care for, just so i don't have to sit with the unknown of nothing

in a world where we're routed toward endless striving for better, thinner, smarter, nicer, wiser, richer, faster, sexier, cooler somethings bottled up and packaged nicely--it feels awkward & outcast to simply sit with nothing. hunches but no certainties. ideas but no follow-throughs. thoughts but no words. sights but no names.

but that's where i am these days. in a place of nothings. it's a tender place--like just being born, a little bit. powerful & wise & happy without knowing much at all. i just have to wait & believe that all this nothing isn't lost on me. that something bold is rearranging in my heart--something i might still never be able to name--even as it all unfolds. if i can just stand by with love until it's ready, knowing that this heart can trust a whole heck-of-a-lot more than i think it can.

when you're afraid it can't possibly stay this good: an imperfect give-away

2010-10-20T14:12:00.004-04:00

I'm reading Brené Brown's newest book The Gifts of Imperfection, and I've got to be honest with you: it's hitting me hard. Brené has taken a vulnerable stab at exposing the subconscious struggles that so many of us experience like shame, perfectionism, comparison and fear, and has made it her mission to offer an alterantive: Wholehearted living. After interviewing thousands of people over many years, Brené has gifted us with an endearing account of what she learned from those who found resilience in the face of darkness and embraced life with authenticity and joy. Her perspective is honest and down-to-earth, in a way that makes it clear she's not only writing about this stuff--she's making it her life work to live it.

Now in particular, with the hugeness of the wedding behind us (immense community collaboration and eons of collective hype) and our 7-month bike trip on the forefront (me, Brian and our bikes on the open, fleeting, possibly lonely road), I'm feeling with utter starkness the gravity of what Brené has to say about joy & fear:

Most of us have experienced being on the edge of joy only to be overcome by vulnerability and thrown into fear. Until we can tolerate vulnerability and transform it into gratitude, intense feelings of love will often bring up fear of loss. If i had to sum up what I've learned about fear and joy, this is what I would say:

The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.

This, and so much more, is the kind of truth you can expect from this soulful book. And because I love it so much, I'm doing a random give-away! Just leave a comment below with your gratitude for the day. On Friday I'll announce the winner and send it out through Amazon.com. I'll start:

Today my heart is full of gratitude for a long and heartfelt conversation with my best friend Jodi, Jen's open couch that I'm about to migrate to, my housemate John who's always full of warm energy and morning hugs, and the tiny messages of love we've been receiving from so many kind souls about what our wedding meant to them. (This has been a truly special experience).

Here for you today, with vulnerability in my heart, but also a certain type of knowing that when you let yourself sink into gratitude, you soften a space in your life to accept the gifts that are all around you.

***Thank you all for sharing with me what you're thankful for. So much goodness, truly! I wish I could give you each a book! But alas, the winner of the give away is Carrie who said, Today I feel gratitude for having such a close friendship with my Mom. Carrie: please email me at rachmddx at gmail dot com with your mailing address so I can send you a copy of the book! All you other loved & dear souls...don't let this stop you from purchasing this jewel. Much love, rachael***

An Ode to Love & Wedding Highlights

2010-10-19T14:11:00.000-04:00

I can't even tell you how much gratitude and inspiration I have in my heart these days. Seriously. We're back from our incredible honeymoon in Vermont (more on that later) and I'm still blown away by what an inspiring tribe of people surround us on a daily basis. Last night we had a huge spontaneous feast with friends, most of whom were highly involved in our wedding. And I couldn't help but burst with giddy delight from all the goodness that surrounded us. Truly--there is nothing like sharing stories and laughs over wine-tossed mushrooms and caramelized onion kale, with glowing lights and faces around a huge mahogany table. I Feel So Lucky.

I've been thinking and reading a lot about authenticity lately--about the difference between doing things for personal fulfillment and doing things for the approval of others. (Re: Brene Brown's recent book The Gifts of Imperfection). Reflecting on it, what made this wedding such an incredible experience was the way that Brian and I together, committed to creating something that came from our hearts, out of love, not out of obligation or the need to be viewed in a certain way or fit into a certain mold. As Jen said to us: "You were really standing in your power."

I have to admit--in some ways being strong came easily for us, but in other ways it was really hard. Brian and I both have big dreams and visions, and definitely strong opinions. (And they're not always the same opinions! Can you believe it?!) But at least speaking for myself, I also have a deep need to be accepted and praised for the things that I do. (Not fun admitting this one). But Brian was a huge help in reminding me that we needed to stand by our values and practice what we preach. It felt like we were really supporting each other through the struggle to balance authenticity with compassion.

In the end, we honored our way of doing things--collectively, holistically, joyously--and guess what? People loved it. But more importantly--we loved it. So much that we're still riding the wave of inspiration from what our community--and our commitment to honoring our values--made possible... Take a peek! All photographs by the ever-talented and kind, Katie Campbell who I would undoubtedly recommend for her incredible eye, awesome down-to-earth attitude, and speedy turn around.

250 vegan cupcakes!

brought to us by Alyssa & a whole crew of friends!

25 of these beautiful centerpieces

brought to us by Kathleen & friends!

Our rockin' outfits! My dress was re-created from the skirt to my mom's 2-piece antique lace wedding outfit. Brian's suit was found on ETSY for $14!

Brought to us by Theresa!

Priceless advice and counseling on our non-traditional ceremony from the ever-wise and thoughtful Jen.

My close friend and musician Daniel Lee graciously captured our special day via video.

Jodi & my brother Mike played "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" just after we kissed! Jodi also created our beautiful programs, and Mike got us beer from a local brewery!

Micayla (on the left) was our MC, gave my toast, and hosted a wedding shower. Judy (to my direct left) helped with the wishing tree and centerpieces.

and this picture of my very best friends just makes me so so happy.

Brian's band, the Forest Dwellers, made up of some of his closest friends--Brian, Marc, Theresa, and Andrew--who provided sound and a/v support...proving to be the hardest day-of job. :) Brian gave an awesome toast, and Andrew read a beautiful poem.

our guests provided the delicious food! :) we sent these pot-luck cards with the invitations and asked for guests to bring them to the wedding with their dish.

adorable program by Jodi

endlessly energetic and entertaining dancing by brian's mom (left), brian's aunt (right) and brian's friends (back)

omg my parents win the award for MVP shoppers (mom especially!) and undying support

sibling mayhem

brian's incredibly supportive and awesome parents

and a father brother dance-off that had people bent over in sobbing laughter

The wedding felt like sheer proof of what's possible on a tight dime when you're working with the currencies of community and love.

So--in hopes of sharing a little more love with you, here's a video that we showed at the reception, with a poem by my brilliant brother.

Ode to Love from Rachael Maddox on Vimeo.

Love from my heart to yours... and thanks for all the warm wishes pre-wedding freak out :). I have so much to write about these days, and I'm really excited to sink in and get it out. More soon! xoxo

Tomorrow!

2010-10-08T15:09:00.001-04:00

It's t-minus 24 hours until the love-fest, and here's a little snap shot of how we're feeling:

Last week was like the mad dash to the finish line, this week like a pleasant stroll in the park. The thing that's deceiving about the latter, though, is with more time to relax and be present, there's more time to let true feelings surface: anxiety, perfectionism, nerves, fear, grief, crankiness. We've been feeling it all. And letting each other know it. But at the bottom of our ingrained defenses we use to keep things safe and secure, we've been acting with real courage and vulnerability--asking for what we need, letting our truest feelings be seen and heard, and offering compassion in the face of each other's struggles.

Every part of the marriage planning journey has only affirmed over and over again that there's no one I could imagine working better with, sharing more intimate values with, or loving more fully. I'm feeling enormous amounts of gratitude for this. And for the tremendous tribe of friends and family we have that are pulling out all the stops to make this a most incredible moment in time.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I can offer my most raw and sincere feelings to Brian. That I can give myself permission for vulnerability and for being seen as someone who loves with a bursting, unfettered heart. That I can offer an authentic expression of my gratitude to Brian and the incredible people that surround us. That I can just let it all blow me away--trusting that no defenses are needed, no barriers necessary. Trusting that if I let love guide me, truly, there will be nothing to fear.

This is my hope for our wedding day. I don't care if it rains (although I'm not complaining that it's supposed to be gorgeous out). I don't care if we run out of booze. I don't care if the centerpieces never make it to the tables. I only care that I let my heart be full of love and gratitude, sincerity and faith, open vulnerability.

Today I'd be honored if you sent us a wish or a blessing...a little note affirming that we need nothing more than a calm and quiet faith in our hearts. It'd mean the world. xoxo

(and after I read this post to him, we both got a little weepy)

no need to be afraid

2010-10-01T16:17:00.005-04:00

if you're afraid you'll never find it
if you're afraid you've got it and you'll fuck it all up
if you're afraid you won't recognize it when it's right in front of you
if you're afraid you don't deserve it
if you're afraid you aren't ready for it
if you're afraid you can't trust it
if you're afraid you can't be in it and be your truest self
if you're afraid you can't have it and your biggest dreams
if you're afraid you couldn't possibly hold the beauty of it
if you're afraid it'll suffocate you
if you're afraid you'll end up hating it
if you're afraid you can't show it well enough
if you're afraid you don't know how to just be in it
if you're afraid it's just not in you
if you're afraid they won't feel it back
if you're afraid you don't know where it'll take you
if you're afraid you'll lose everything for it or you've lost yourself in it
if you're afraid it won't be worth it
if you're afraid you can't explain it
if you're afraid you can't give it to someone else because you can barely give it to yourself
if you're afraid they won't approve of it
if you're afraid it'll always break your heart
if you're afraid it doesn't exist
if you're afraid that maybe, just maybe, you can carry on without it

this is for you. and for your fears. for giving space to them. for letting them say hello. for letting you know that i feel them too. but that i'm doing my part to believe a more powerful story than one that's swamped by fear:

there is no need to be afraid.

real love is within you, beside you, around you, waiting for you, hoping for you, praying for you, embracing you, believing in you, and moving you to do exactly what needs to be done in this very moment on earth.

that's all, people. all we can do. love a little, and then love a whole lot more.

muster trust in ourselves, trust in others and faith in the unknown.

surrender to love.

it has carried every living thing in this universe. it is carrying you, too.

and today, with 8 days until i publicly confess my life long commitment to the man of my dreams, i'm doing my very best (despite my fears) to remember that love is the bedrock of hope, carrying us through the unknown, holding us with all the compassion that our dear hearts may need, and truly, there is no need to be afraid.

love

2010-09-27T14:55:00.000-04:00

find more protests against perfect HERE at brene brown's ordinary courage blog. <3

give

2010-09-27T13:25:00.000-04:00

random thoughts and updates

2010-09-24T15:46:00.003-04:00

or things that could be tweets, but aren't.
or an e-mail that my dad would send me, but didn't.

i'm going to the world domination summit. i'm not sure how, but i'm going. like, i'm already registered.
writing thank you notes takes a long time but always feels good. especially when you're feeling full of gratitude, which i am!
showering every day has been a rare gift i've given myself this week and i'd highly recommend it to those who hold tension in their foreheads / scalps.
calling grandparents is always a good decision.
so is cooking kale straight from the garden.
helping people learn how to read is like fire straight to my heart. i love it. they love it. we have fun. fun is golden.
watering the plants helps slow my mind. and gets my heart rate up, surprisingly. (no hose, just an old fashioned, heavy watering can!)
metroing feels better than driving in traffic. but in either place, there's always someone to connect to if you stay open to connection.
slow down. do less. smile more. this has helped me immensely.
planning a wedding is exhausting even if you're full of love, peace & non-conformity.
my mom bought me my only pair of skinny jeans, my only bra, and my only lingerer. you following the trend here?
talking about sex is good.
having sex is better.
i've made no more than $1000/month since graduating from college.
it's been interesting--especially on the months when i only make enough for about $40 of spending money the whole month--it's certainly been good for me.
living in a co-op enriches my life daily.
it's way easier to have a happy, healthy home when you only have to do 1 chore, and still, all the other chores get done. (my chore is gardening... i know, right?!)
crappy coffee doesn't make me crap. oh, the irony.
i'm on e-book and real-book overload. it's overwhelming and exciting at the same time.
there's no where i'd rather be in this moment than right here.
the other day on the metro a woman said to me, "we all bleed red"
the next day while driving with the windows down in traffic, a woman in the car next to me asked if i wanted to take a hit of the joint she was smoking. i wanted to, but declined.
i don't know how people "follow" over 150 people on twitter. do you just not read most of the tweets? (okay--i tweeted that one)
this post about gentrification has been with me since i read it. and the comments blew my mind. the guy's not racist. he's right. upper-class new comers are terrified of this neighborhood, and their lack of camaraderie shows it.
two weeks until love-fest. gah. super psyched!
i'm about to board a flight to madison, wisconsin to celebrate bri's grandpa's 90th birthday. have i ever mentioned how much i love his family up there? & madison? such jewels.
which reminds me, i have about 20 minutes to pack and run out the door.

peace, loves! wishing you an inspiring & love-filled weekend! share with me some random thoughts & updates, and i'll read them happily when i return :)

Ode To My Kindred

2010-09-22T14:40:00.003-04:00

These questions have been crossing my path lately: Who are you really writing for? How do you want to be related to? What sparks your fire and what keeps it aflame?

Intention is everything with writing, and for me, authenticity is at the core of my intention. If I want to be authentic--genuinely standing in work that represents me--I've got to get clear about who I'm being authentic for and why it matters.
And so it was born...

An Ode To My Kindred

I write for my kindred--the truth-seekers, the love-conspirers, the art-makers.

I write for the muses who must unleash their power. The ones who suffer from spouts of fear but still believe with full faith that their truth can move mountains.

I write for the freaks, the geeks, the non-conformists who wear authenticity on their sleeves.

I write for the spirit of all living things and the souls who wake up to it breath after breath.

I write for the coffee shop regulars, the garden harvesters, the hammock dreamers, the mindful eaters.

I write for the revolutionary change-makers, the humble uphill path-walkers.

I write for the sit-with-you-in-the-dark-ers, the quiet hand-holders, the mothers.

I write for people who smile with strangers. The difference-exposers. The sameness-recognizers.

I write for the adults who play in fountains, the kids who ponder existence, the grandmas who have Facebook.

I write for the radical manual-makers, the rule-breakers, the resource-creators who get things done.

I write for the vulnerable, the imperfect, the faithful, the hurting.

I write for the wish-makers, the bike-riders, the flower-pickers, the non-9-to-5-ers.

I write for the sweethearts, the bleeding hearts, the broken hearts, the healing hearts.

I write for the uncompromisingly honest.

I write for our hopeful communion, for our soul-shifting revelations, for our capacity to inspire a better world.

I write for these things because they are all pieces of me.
I write to free my soul.
To let it work its magic on the world.
To let the world work its magic on me.

Intention. Connection. Magic. Freedom.
This is my enthusiastic promise. My ode to you, my kindred.

the way love moves me & a bit on getting married

2010-09-16T14:48:00.001-04:00

it's hard to even tell you how inspired i've been feeling by love lately.

the kind of love that holds heartache, confusion and compromise without complaining.
the kind of love that always has room for kisses and cuddles.
the kind of love that knows even if we don't have most things figured out, we have this, and this can carry us through.
the kind of love that moves to the beat and laughs from the belly.
the kind of love that chooses kindness and acceptance every time.
the kind of love that forgives.
the kind of love that believes that we don't have to know where we're going.
the kind of love that knows that nothing matters more than love.
the kind of love that sits with you in your moments of doubt.
the kind of love that heals your most tender, hidden places.
the kind of love that makes you squeal with wild abandon.
the kind of love that dreams up crazy adventures and then actually brings them to life.
the kind of love that reminds you of your playful, light-hearted, happy soul.
the kind of love that makes you want do more and have less.
the kind of love that deepens you to a place of simply being.
the kind of love that cherishes honesty and authenticity.
the kind of love that always lends a helping hand, no questions asked.
the kind of love that respects.
the kind of love that grows.
the kind of love that is vibrant and open and full of joy.

a week from now brian and i will be celebrating out 5 year anniversary. two weeks later, we'll be celebrating our commitment to choosing a life-long journey together. i am so so so excited for this. for every moment that's to come with my brave, brilliant, charming love. and i love this song because it speaks to us. we don't have much money, but we have the most incredible community of people who are making this celebration happen in a truly home-made kind of way. that's an incredible kind of love, too, that is seriously blowing my mind. my gratitude runs so so deep.

also--i just want to say a word about the insanity of weddings. there are a lot of contributing factors: the traditions, the emotions, the opinions, the decisions. but what's all the insanity really about? is it really about the centerpieces or the guest list or the location? no. it's about years of accumulated baggage around love. and the importance of love. and the power of love. and what love means. and the decision to love and thus, merge two families that potentially might not love one another. (luckily, ours do :). and most importantly, the potential to feel left out from love -- the one thing we're all craving most in our hearts.

what's my point? that if weddings are really all about love, and love is all about choosing kindness and acceptance, then weddings can be drama-free if you choose to make them so. that was a big revelation for me and has made the past month of wedding-planning basically painless. of course, it still takes lots of time and energy. but truly, no more annoyance or hurt feelings. just recognizing that this love stuff is a big frickin' deal. no one wants to be left out. people don't want to lose it. am i responsible if they feel like somehow they are? no. but i can see their position with compassion, and i can weigh it with an open heart.

i believe with all of my heart that sinking into love is the greatest gift we can give the world. what about you? has love lifted you up recently? i hope so. <3

photo by the incredible Katie Campbell

what we all deserve

2010-09-14T11:27:00.003-04:00

this body, this heart
has spent many tired nights
in anguish, in pain, in denial
of the gifts that are
readily available to it,
of the hope that is
hoping i'll find it,
of the love that is
waiting with warm embrace,
of the gratitude that knows
only gifts surround us,
of the tribe that outstretches
its gentle hand--
its humble courage.

there are things we all deserve--
things that can hold us like the ways
of the wise ones--
like believing that risk
is greater than playing it safe,
like knowing that gratitude
unlocks unneeded pain,
like trusting that a tribe
can bare witness
to the unfolding truth
buried deep in
our souls.

there is time for waiting
if you want...
for questions and doubts,
for playing it safe.

but you should know that
that move won't really save you
from anything.
that move will only keep you
from your power,
from your divinity,
from the place where you belong--
among us, in dreams, in moments, in hope,
in love.
it always comes down to love,
and it always comes down to choosing it.
i hope we can choose it together.

~~~~~

As fall rounds the bend, I'm celebrating by joining Jen Lemen & Andrea Scher for their seasonal Dream Lab focusing on cultivating courage, gratitude and tribe. They were such incredible dream-wizards in Mondo Beyondo, and I have no doubt that their Dream Lab will be filled with inspiring jewels and kindness. Come along for the journey. I'd love to see you there... You deserve it, and there's no time like the present for showering yourself in some TLC.

Light & Dark

2010-09-12T13:39:00.002-04:00

Creativity--like human life itself--begins in darkness.
- Julia Camron, The Artist's Way

When I'm in a place of birthing new dreams, sitting anxiously in the dark, I often forget that a mysterious and magical glow is waiting for me on the other end. Or better yet--with me, in the thumping of my heart, this very moment. I'm pulled by a habitual gut reaction when an unknown light enters my safe-zone: tense up, be skeptical, and act composed through fear.

The dark is my safe space, my untouched and un-judged sanctuary where dreams can grow and emerge. When I was a kid, I wasn't afraid of the dark all that much. I knew, with my good senses, that no stuffed animals were coming to life and no monsters were hiding in my closet. Rather, the dark was my place of peace where I found moments of quiet wonder and time to sink into starry-night hopes.

What did scare me though, was the streaking light that seeped in through my window, flashing across my ceiling. Where's this light coming from? I'd wonder. Is something out there going to come into my safe dreamy room and get me?

There, cozied up under my soft worn blankets, I'd mull over all the terror that could be waiting for me in the streaks of light. Allowing myself to get carried away by fear, I never even considered that something beautiful, something magical, something that I'd been hoping for all those nights could be waiting for me just beyond the dark.

But I'm realizing today that there's a place where dreams emerge to if you let them--if you don't lock them up in the towers of your doubt. Ready or not, wishful or dumbfounded: The light means something unavoidably important and true is getting ready to be born.

With all the kindness, tenderness, and acceptance I can muster, I'm telling myself this today (maybe you need to hear it, too?): I was daring enough to conceive of my dream and I am strong enough to push it out when the flood gates open. Even if I've never done it before. Even if the way how still seems so unclear. All is healthy and good. All is as it should be. I can trust my intuition today. I can be gentle and confident and strong and kind. I know exactly where to go. I can go there. After all, what's on the flip side? Stuckness? Fear? Penniless pockets? No thanks.

Do you have dreams that are pushing through the darkness and into the light? Is your intuition guiding the way? What's the process of birthing a dream look like for you?

Today I'm hoping that your heart can find the courage to believe in the power of its light. That you can be vulnerable enough to open up to it. And that we can hold each other in trust along the way.

These Things Are True

2010-09-07T13:32:00.001-04:00

There is nothing to fear.
Everything is going exactly as it should.
Love is the only way.
Truth & kindness are the secret to love.
You can be as loving with yourself as you are with others.
It's okay to begin where you are.
Perfection is impossible.
Acceptance is taking tiny breaths and letting them go, knowing that you can't hold on to everything, but everything is still somehow holding you.
Joy ignites inspiration more than any striving or suffering.
Suffering is a choice we make far more than we have to.
It's okay to choose suffering. But it's also okay let it go when you're ready.
It's okay if you don't feel ready.
You are beautiful beyond belief.
Saying yes to the moment is the best choice you can make at any moment.
You still have the power to say no when you need to.
Living things are made to love & be loved.
Love does not discriminate.
We are all so very connected.
Being intentional matters.
You have all the heart & hope & trust that you need.
Nothing is lacking.
Abundance is enveloping your dreams.
The support will show up as soon as you step out onto the ledge.
You are loved for your raw, shameless, imperfect heart.
You cannot mess up.
We are together.

conversations with abraham

2010-09-01T10:45:00.000-04:00

i have a tendency for falling in love with people everywhere i go. it's a condition i simply cannot shake. yesterday at the big bear cafe, abraham was no exception.

we were sitting catty-cornered at the common table that was long with deep grooves from many years of use, many mugs and plates clanking down on it.

i was drawing and he was typing. peering over his laptop with a slight grin on his face and love in his eyes, he asked me, what are you making?
--sorry, what did you say? with his soft voice and east african accent, it was hard to make out his words.
what are you making, love? it's beautiful.
--oh, thank you. a flier.
ahh... what is it for?
--an arts festival.
oh, you're an artist, yes? i nodded... what kind of art do yo do?
--writing and painting, mostly.
his brow perched up. i'm a writer, too. what do you write about?
--umm... being human, i suppose. you know... fear, trust, love. my nerves must have shown through the confidence i projected. but something in me knew that neither nerves nor confidence were important here. what about you?
he paused. yes yes... ego is the sneakiest of human struggles, he said finally, stroking his beautiful white beard in a quiet and thoughtful way. you never really rid yourself of it. you just learn how to control it. and fear is at the center of everything. i write about these things, too.

i put my pen down, took off my reading glasses, and smiled. hello, love, i thought, let us begin.

our conversation stretched on for hours with velocity and ease. at times when abraham went into longer stories i let my mind quiet and watched the widening and narrowing of his glossy eyes--the space between his barrier-breaking smile and curious furrowed brow.

i've learned through practice to let go of individualizing myself and others... to become part of the universe.

do you still have fear? i asked.

yes, but my fear does not haunt me. from the center of his chest out toward his sides, he motioned with his hands, shaking out the space, patting down the air. this was his letting go, his shaking free. i love to dance, he told me. too much, sometimes.

i knew this was true beyond words, without ever seeing it happen. dancing is freedom, and abraham seemed to know both.

there are two paths you can choose: the average path or the spiritual path. choosing the spiritual path does not land you at the ending like *that*. it takes you on a journey. he leaned back smiling, tilting his head to almost touch his shoulder, as if he saw me straighter that way. i never know where it's taking me. but i'm glad to be on it.

i understand that intellectually, i told him, followed by an exhale of honesty, but i'm still very afraid in my heart.

ah, you are young. you have many experiences waiting for you and much exploration to do. the universe will teach you many things. many lessons about impermanence and loss. my acceptance of impermanence has liberated me from fear for the most part. but like they say, if you're not an idealistic marxist in your twenties then something's wrong with you. this idealism makes it hard to accept loss. you have many experiences waiting for you. you will live to explore many ideas and truths. but right now, this is enough.

yes, abraham, i thought, right now--this is more than enough.

being love

2010-08-31T11:50:00.003-04:00

i wanted to write a poem about this history of love in my life
and i wanted the ending to be happy
you know... as if i'm at the end

which made me realize that the poem i needed to write
was much different than the poem i wanted to write

i need to write a poem about endings
which means i need to write a poem about beginnings
which means i need to write a poem about moments

but i don't know how to write a moment
because i barely know how to live one

because i'm wrapped up in the idea of i
and i'm stuck on the story of me
and i'm lost in the ego of alone

have you felt this way?

by which i mean, do you feel?
by which i mean, does your heart beat faster at the conduction of your thoughts
and do your thoughts lead you down paths to places
other than the present?

this poem is not a happy ending
because poems are not endings
they're not even beginnings
at worst, they're a saying
at best, they're a being

and i'm just trying to be true
trying to expose myself to you
trying to shed back the layers of story
and bring forth the moment in it's glory
but moments don't always feel glorious when we're caught up in feeling

do you remember how it felt to be broken?
do you remember how it felt to be born?
do you remember how it felt to be free?

are you longing for a feeling?

do you breathe?
do you bask in the sun?
do you sit with the wind?

i want to believe that my story has only happy endings
but what if i let my story fall away?

what if the wind and i are one?
what if my skin touches the sun just as much
as the sun touches my skin?
what if breathing is something that happens to me,
not something that i do?
what if i stopped trying to be true?

would a moment grace the page?
would words leave these lips?
would people hold each other?
would we forget?
by which i mean...would we awaken?
by which i mean...would we love?

What My Heart's Hoping For

2010-08-26T14:21:00.003-04:00

ease

1. freedom from labor, pain, or physical annoyance; tranquil rest; comfort: to enjoy one's ease.

2. freedom from concern, anxiety, or solicitude; a quiet state of mind: to be at ease about one's health.

3. freedom from difficulty or great effort; facility: it can be done with ease.

4. freedom from financial need; plenty: a life of ease on a moderate income.

5. freedom from stiffness, constraint, or formality; unaffectedness: ease of manner; the ease and elegance of her poetry.

What's your heart hoping to feel today? Permission to confess in the comments below.

rach.mad.love

dancing through a deep and painful wound (#4)

Let Your Baby Grow

Playing TOGETHER: An Antidote to Perfectionism, Isolation & the Sucky Status Quo (And Dance #3)

For Dreamers of All Varieties: An Anthem For Saying Yes

Dance 2 :: White as Diamonds

Song 1 :: Dry Grass & Shadows

DELICIOUS BODY DANCE-A-THON

EARTH RHYTHMS + Foresight :: 2012 is going to be EXPLOSIVE

What Can Happen in the Face of Everything :: A 2011 Reflection

What Matters, For Real

You're Invited: Take the Ride

Every Picture Has It's Shadows

Because You Are Able

Where Travel and Loss Will Lead You

Calling All Celebrators!

Let's Liberate | Part 2

Let's Liberate | Ourselves, The World, Together | Part 1

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Liberation as a Theme to Explore

If You Float Down That River

For Travelers of Place and Heart

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To Roll In On Your Last Drop of Fuel

A Note on Wisdom and Growing Up Slowly

Don't read this post if it's just another distraction

If you tell the whole truth

all the way seen, all the way loved

It's possible

In Every Motion

If others learn first I must believe

Room For It All

Wherever I'm With You

Home

What You Can Do When You're Feeling Scared

Here. Now. Happy.

Letting it all out

The Voice That Seldom Speaks

What 24 Looks Like

getting more than you bargained for & haircuts that change the world

Liminality--

Reporting the Truth

I am

You can

authenticity

Courageous Beginnings::A Give Away!

Gratitude from the Comfy Red Couch

The P Word and The Movement

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A Love-Filled 2010, Bring on the Power

Happy Holidays~My Wish for Us All

Believe in Your Power

Eternal Sunshine & a story from the beginning of our love

love letter to a changing heart

Chosen Truths

love letter to an aching heart

the power of acceptance & wisdom from kate courageous

The Sometimes I'm Holding Onto

My Friends, The Feisty Ones

Nothing More Dangerous

focused on the truth, focused on together

father & son

Trusting Nothing

when you're afraid it can't possibly stay this good: an imperfect give-away

An Ode to Love & Wedding Highlights

Tomorrow!

no need to be afraid

love

give

random thoughts and updates

Ode To My Kindred

the way love moves me & a bit on getting married

what we all deserve

Light & Dark

These Things Are True

conversations with abraham

being love

What My Heart's Hoping For

[eez] –noun