lately i've been feeling terrified. of the unknown. of the known. of the what if's. of money. i've been going against my motto of embracing the vulnerable. in fact, i've been very vulner-not-able. (reality check, rach: we can't all always practice everything we preach every single day! okay, thank goodness... now that that's out of the way and i don't have to feel GUILTY about it...)
i'm going to the beach with a few close friends tonight to celebrate new years in a more quiet way than recent years past. tomorrow we're heading to assiteague island where i'll have myself a little ritual of letting go of my fears & even my resolutions. i'm letting go of both because there's something about having new years resolutions that also carries with it an intrisic weighted fear. fear of not living up to what we promised ourselves. of failing ourselves. of being a failure. and i just want to let it go.
i'm resolving to be daring in 2010.
(this is my daring face)
i went back and forth for a while about what i wanted to zoom in on this year... focused, intentional, fearless, trust, honesty, faith... but it came down to daring because saying the word makes me SMILE. and because it's the most spot-on. i'll never be completely free of fear, but i CAN be daring enough to move past it. i'll never be 100% intentional, but i CAN be daring enough to set honest boundaries. i'll never trust the universe every single time, but i CAN be daring enough to leap anyway. i'm LOVING that daring is my word for 2010.
still, i know that there will be days when i'm not daring at all. when i let the whole thing go to the wayside. when i suffer a small silence of resignation and pretend i never wished to be daring at all. i want to treat those days with compassion, with tenderness, with patience & with understanding. because the reality is i didn't make myself a new years resolution just so later i could beat myself up for not fulfilling it 100% of the time. i made it because it's something to work toward--because i feel happy when i'm daring, and because being daring adds value to my days. but there are also days when it's daring to let go of our self-expectations, of our committments, and our need to be perfect.
we're entering a new decade in a time when things feel precarious but still, the possibilities are through the roof. why not make room for forgiveness? for gentleness? for letting go of those things that only hold us back? this year, among other things, i'm letting go of the fear of failing myself. because i can't fail. simply saying my dreams outloud is daring enough, and i've already done it. all that i'm left with when i let go of my fear is the duty to hold myself with compassion, patience, and care, and to love myself more deeply, through and through--even when i slip up, even when i'm imperfect, even as i grow.
wishing you the most loving and gentle new year, full of all the things your heart and soul ache for.
see you in 2010 :)