There's a way that we as humans crave comfort and ease. Can I get an Amen?
Part of how we manifest that craving is by expecting others to comfort us and make our lives easier--by demanding others to fulfill our needs and desires for us.
This lovely little habit is quite common. Even the best of us have subtle addictions to victimization and powerlessness. (She raises her hand quietly in the back of the room, nodding in agreement... that's me, that's me).
The dialogue goes something like this...
Why can't you just know that I need to be touched more?
Who wouldn't want praise or affirmation daily?
How could you expect me to meet you downtown when I'm clearly so exhausted?
The problem with this approach is we're putting an unreasonable amount of power in someone else's hands. The pressure's external. They gotta get it right for things to feel right.
We're treating others as if they could know us and advocate for us, as well as we can know and advocate for ourselves. It seems comfortable and easy. Like way less work than, you know, satisfying ourselves.
Howevah--we all know through pleanty o' trial and error that most people are not psychic shape shifters and cannot deliver all of your needs and desires on demand. We know this, intellectually, but we're not always willing to break our addiction to being comforted or provided for by others.
The results? Disappointment, resentment, anger, misunderstanding, dissatisfaction... You know the list. (Not so comfortable or easy, after all...)
The shift that changes everything is in forming a new practice: a practice of owning your experiences, your life, and your happiness--and feeling empowered to give yourself what you really want and need.
It's not a practice that says, To be happy I have to be in it alone and do it all myself. No, no. It's an practice that says, The fullness and richness of my happiness is equivalent to the depth of my ownership and my commitment to realizing it.
These questions can help:
How well am I, myself, honoring my needs and wants? How wildly am I seeing, choosing, and seducing my own deep desires?
Make yo'self a list.
As if you're writing to your soul mate, your best friend, your favorite lover with clear instructions about all of your most precious parts and how to love them most effectively.
Love me for my body -- it's beauty, it's magic, it's rhythm, it's limits, it's strength -- no pushing it when it's tired... honor it's power, tend to it's desires for healing, touch, tendernessetc...
Love me through sex -- as an exploration, an experiment, a spiritual act, an animal act... as a way to be amidst mystery -- wild and divine -- scary, liberating, silly
Love me by helping me do small things -- like laundry, or bills, or carrying things that are heavy
Love me for my creativity -- my way of moving through the unknown with a unique and honest rhythm
Love me by participating in my daily rhythms -- slow meals, togetherness, ease, convenience, family, community, sharing, giving
Post that list in a visible place with this invitation strung largely above it:
I am the lover I've been seeking. How shall I seduce myself today?
And know that I'm over here workin' this practice daily. It's growing me up. It's teaching me a lot about responsibility and ownership, independence and connection, trust and acceptance. Mostly, it's teaching me how to revel in myself, when sometimes, there's no one else there to revel with me. When sometimes, the house is empty, the chili's on the stove top, and the only person to dance with in the kitchen is myself. So I do. The only one to see me is myself. So I snap a photo. And the only one to bow down and say, Here... let me set the table for you, get you a drink, pull out your chair, darling... is me. So I say it. Outloud. With a giggle, that Yes... I can give myself this much love and care, I can see myself in all my beauty and strength and desires, I can love this precious girl for her sweet ways... I can seduce her, even, with delightful surprises. Who knew it could be this good?
**Feel free to share your list. Comments, e-mail, snail mail... I always, always have my door open for fellow travelers. But mostly, I hope that today, you give yourself the gift of traveling with your beautiful self.
love, love, love,