You can move molasses speed, sweet friend. There is no need to get wise fast. No need at all. (Not even for your job, your survival, your cash flow). When you walk an honest path, you will endure true suffering as your mind/body/spirit morphs into new shapes of being. Thank god. Your suffering is your salvation because it never stays forever--and when it's moved on and done with you, you will feel calm, content, slap-happy, even, over all the good times (echt-em... raging arguments) you two had together. Looking back, you will regard your suffering as your most trusted friend. Your most reverent teacher. Divine. And you will be right to do so. She was the one willing to offer up some tough love, as the rest stood by, afraid you couldn't handle it.
Suffering knows your strength. (And you are strong, no matter how pervasive your suffering. Promise.)
So take it slow. Feel every ounce of doubt, fear, inadequacy, loneliness, numbed-out-in-terror defenses. Breathe in how little you know. Let a 7-year-old comfort your fragility. Know how far into the dark you're willing to walk. Get dirty with the edges of your sanity. Say "fuck it" and then say it again. Cry and throw in the towel while everyone else crosses the finish line in record time.
To develop resilience with your suffering, you have to suffer. No need to avoid it. No need to cover up pain with wisdom, answers or ego. No need to get ahead.
Nothing feels more false than the hallow knock on ego's "answers". So let down the facade with care and compassion. Soften your body to the deep release of surrender. Sob if you have to. All day long is just fine. In the middle of the grocery store is just fine. At church when everyone else appears to be just fine... is just fine.
Your aching uncertainty is a jackpot of life experience.
Take your time with it, sweet friend. Walk slowly.
