How to be yourself: an empty map for soul-finders near and far

begin to draw
any road or tree or key will do
whatever you draw will work
will fit
will find the next path or freeway
from then to now
to never knew it could be like this
heart spinning like slap-happy dizzy stumbling
holy holy moly love!--
this

or that--
again and again, frozen, lost in your creation
not sure which one or way came first
more like head spinning, ache, cry, whine, why is no one coming?
especially not me?
waaaaaaa!

this much, we guarantee:
you will let yourself down

down, so far into the underworld of optimism
that you'll wonder why anyone hopes at all
ashes, ashes--
the cool ground a sturdy stillness
of what it's like to get real
beyond laughter
beyond wailing
beyond it all

really, there is only this
only you, no matter how it shakes out
no matter how you wish you were
there is only this, only you
only this, only you

repeating like a meditation as you lay curled
in the shadowed surrender of coming to terms
until you know the land well enough to crawl your way around
and crawl you will--
the strong bone of your forearm learning how to lean
without collecting so many bruises
the fragile cap of your knee like lite feet dancing across coals of fire
and your soft whispering monologues recited like a Lakota--
knowing every ditch and daffodil between you and the
infinite horizon

you are collecting your secret passageways
you are collecting the language of birds
you are collecting the stars as they shine, shine, shine by the moon
you are collecting lovers and companions and heartbreaks and stories for the grandchildren
you are collecting your own evaporation, body melting in the heat of the truth
you are collecting everything you need
and it will all burn

brightly, with fury
without an ounce of fear
it will burn
and so will you
your map outliving you for just a moment longer
until it, too, floats
like a legacy
like a red balloon into a light blue abyss
up, up, up
silent
free
here
gone

everything burns
brightly
ever more reason
to throw yourself in
fully

The Dark Side of Becoming Whole

the first album cover in a long time that gives me pause--delighted, magical pause.

"You must go into the dark in order to bring forth your light. When we suppress any feeling or impulse, we are also suppressing its polar opposite. If we deny our ugliness, we lessen our beauty. If we deny our fear, we minimize our courage. If we deny our greed, we also reduce our generosity. Our full magnitude is more than most of us can ever imagine. If you believe that we have the imprint of all humanity within us, as I do, then you must be capable of being the greatest person you ever admired, and at the same time capable of being the worst person you ever imagined."

"Love is inclusive: it accepts the full range of human emotion--the emotions we hide, the emotions we fear. Jung once said, 'I'd rather be whole than good.' How many of us have sold ourselves out in order to be good, to be liked, to be accepted?"

-The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford

~~~~~~~

I didn't exactly know it, but I'd been doing a shit-ton of shadow work over the past few months. Then two weeks ago a coach brought it to my attention, so I started reading The Dark Side of the Light Chasers and everything began to click.

Where do I lie to myself? What parts of myself do I avoid? Who am I afraid to be? How am I closeted for the sake of being GOOD, rather than whole? 

In December at a coaching training I proclaimed to one of my classmates that 2012 would be the year for coming OUT. Then I quickly changed my mind and moved on.

But it was too late. Subconsciously, the idea was planted and the movement underway. I began dancing. I began dressing a differently. I began having conversations about radical relationships. I began saying what I was thinking instead of just thinking it. I stopped helping all the time. I fought with friends I'd never fought with before. I made messes!

Here I am, months into the process, still amidst some big messes but with a few bits of heart-felt clarity under my belt. I know now that revealing my whole self, to the best of my ability, feels like a powerful, vulnerable, beautiful, safe thing to do. And I want to highlight the "safe" part by saying this... this thing I'm learning and re-learning practically every day:

The most dangerous thing we could ever do is hide our holy truth.

Most of us can't be happy and hide forever. Eventually, if we want to live truly energizing and fulfilling lives, we have to come out--we have to see and accept all the different parts of ourselves. And then, we've got to speak the truth... we've got to tell the people we love... we've got to forge space to be ourselves and connect.

For that sizzling, sensual, vibration that runs from head to toe when you're really IN IT.
For the way they look at you, the way you capture their attention, because you're so unbelievably yourself.
For that sound sleep at night, even the nights when you're sleeping alone--especially the nights when you're sleeping alone.

Two suggestions for beginners: Start with the ending & Fess up.

What's that deep part of yourself that's just dying to be set free? To see the light of day in this marvelous, unspeakable world? Feel free to send e-mail, hand written letters or schedule an appointment to talk. Sometimes a safe place to start is with one dear soul who will listen with zero judgement.

Wishing us all the chance at inclusive love--at knowing and adoring our full range of humanness.

"By God, when you see your beauty, you'll be the idol of yourself." - Rumi

e-mail --> rachmadlove at gmail dot com
snail mail --> Rachael Maddox 710 Silver Spring Ave Silver Spring, MD 20910