The Dark Side of Becoming Whole

the first album cover in a long time that gives me pause--delighted, magical pause.

"You must go into the dark in order to bring forth your light. When we suppress any feeling or impulse, we are also suppressing its polar opposite. If we deny our ugliness, we lessen our beauty. If we deny our fear, we minimize our courage. If we deny our greed, we also reduce our generosity. Our full magnitude is more than most of us can ever imagine. If you believe that we have the imprint of all humanity within us, as I do, then you must be capable of being the greatest person you ever admired, and at the same time capable of being the worst person you ever imagined."

"Love is inclusive: it accepts the full range of human emotion--the emotions we hide, the emotions we fear. Jung once said, 'I'd rather be whole than good.' How many of us have sold ourselves out in order to be good, to be liked, to be accepted?"

-The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford

~~~~~~~

I didn't exactly know it, but I'd been doing a shit-ton of shadow work over the past few months. Then two weeks ago a coach brought it to my attention, so I started reading The Dark Side of the Light Chasers and everything began to click.

Where do I lie to myself? What parts of myself do I avoid? Who am I afraid to be? How am I closeted for the sake of being GOOD, rather than whole? 

In December at a coaching training I proclaimed to one of my classmates that 2012 would be the year for coming OUT. Then I quickly changed my mind and moved on.

But it was too late. Subconsciously, the idea was planted and the movement underway. I began dancing. I began dressing a differently. I began having conversations about radical relationships. I began saying what I was thinking instead of just thinking it. I stopped helping all the time. I fought with friends I'd never fought with before. I made messes!

Here I am, months into the process, still amidst some big messes but with a few bits of heart-felt clarity under my belt. I know now that revealing my whole self, to the best of my ability, feels like a powerful, vulnerable, beautiful, safe thing to do. And I want to highlight the "safe" part by saying this... this thing I'm learning and re-learning practically every day:

The most dangerous thing we could ever do is hide our holy truth.

Most of us can't be happy and hide forever. Eventually, if we want to live truly energizing and fulfilling lives, we have to come out--we have to see and accept all the different parts of ourselves. And then, we've got to speak the truth... we've got to tell the people we love... we've got to forge space to be ourselves and connect.

For that sizzling, sensual, vibration that runs from head to toe when you're really IN IT.
For the way they look at you, the way you capture their attention, because you're so unbelievably yourself.
For that sound sleep at night, even the nights when you're sleeping alone--especially the nights when you're sleeping alone.

Two suggestions for beginners: Start with the ending & Fess up.

What's that deep part of yourself that's just dying to be set free? To see the light of day in this marvelous, unspeakable world? Feel free to send e-mail, hand written letters or schedule an appointment to talk. Sometimes a safe place to start is with one dear soul who will listen with zero judgement.

Wishing us all the chance at inclusive love--at knowing and adoring our full range of humanness.

"By God, when you see your beauty, you'll be the idol of yourself." - Rumi

e-mail --> rachmadlove at gmail dot com
snail mail --> Rachael Maddox 710 Silver Spring Ave Silver Spring, MD 20910

Don't read this post if it's just another distraction

I used to hold a quiet (or not so quiet) contempt for TV junkies. I used to watch people numb out in front of the tube and wonder where their imagination went. I used to be bored with nothing left to distract me, so I'd leave the scene and enter my own creative dream-space.

There, I used to write poems on my father's old typewriter. I used to write stories with sharpie marker inside my closet door for the next dear soul who'd inhabit my room. I used to stare blankly out the window watching birds in the bushes, drool slipping from the side of my mouth. I used to lay on the carpet for so long that I'd get marks on my legs as I listened to mix CD's from old boyfriends. I used to try on every piece of clothing I owned, then leave the mess foot deep on the floor. I used to call my neighbor, Seth, to meet me on the edge of the driveway where we'd star gaze & talk about life. I used to go to the coffee house with nothing but my journal & my curiosity, and leave with 3 new friends. I used to always look at someone when they talked to me. I used to fill my open spaces with wonder, with mischief, with flirtation, with disbelief.

I used to have nothing to multitask with. I used to have no easy access to thousands of people's ideas or photographs or businesses or dreams, all with the touch of a finger.

I used to see my open spaces.

There's a way that I've become one of those people I disdain--numbed out in front of the screen--finger swooshing one more time to see if anyone cares that I exist.

There's a way that my interaction with today's technology has left me feeling less alive, more zombie-like, emptier.

There's a way that I've forgotten how to see the open spaces, let alone, sit in them.

There's a way that I wonder where my imagination has gone, and if I can distance myself enough from the distractions to ever get it back.

~~~~

I just read this to Brian, who said to me, "who cares if we exist to other people... what matters is that we exist to OURSELVES"

It's time I get back to myself. It's ironic, considering our trip and out distance from so many people. But it makes sense; this is a beautiful, isolating, spiritual, intense journey, and sometimes it's hard to know if there's anything left to call my own or if that even matters at all.

Sometimes all I long for is to know, at least, that someone out there sees me. But true seeing can't be measured with a thumbs up, retweet or heart.

It's time to see myself, in all my mysterious sorrow and wonder and excitement. It's time to sign off and rediscover where my imagination has gone... It's time to follow where it needs to take me.