Sunday, October 24, 2010

Trusting Nothing

what if the mess on your floor doesn't need tidying, and the time on your hands doesn't need filling?
what if there is no next step, nothing to add to the list, nowhere to be, and no one to feel obligated to?
what if you aren't foolish when you have nothing to report on?
what if the truth is--most of us don't?
what if you don't need to know where you're going or just how?
what if the empty space is an important placeholder, as your heart begins to shift into knowing?
what if all that's powerful & good comes from quietly trusting the wide open unknown?
what if you believed that something could be born out of nothing?

these are the questions i've been asking myself lately, dear friends, as i float through my life, completely ignoring the heaps of clothing everywhere, the un-answered phone, the un-showered body, the un-ridden brand new bicycle that's staring me down with shine, the un-written thank you notes. i haven't been able to do much post-wedding. my body feels tired and my mind wiped. but here's the groundbreaking twist that i keep coming up with--the thing that's keeping my soul sane:

nothing, as excruciating and terrifying as it may sometimes feel, is actually something.

nothing is vital space, stillness, openness, emptiness, answerless, and formless mojo.

nothing is defiant and powerful, giving us the rare opportunity to choose compassion over misery, patience over haste, gratitude over self-pity, and awareness over ego.  

i've been trying these things the past week, as i lounged on the couch a whole heck-of-a-lot:

not rushing to fill the nothing
loving the untraveled corners of my heart that i've been venturing into--mystery and all
gathering trust in the glimpses and pebbles that emerge, without needing to instantly turn them into definite somethings
forgiving myself when i revert to somethings i know i don't care for, just so i don't have to sit with the unknown of nothing

in a world where we're routed toward endless striving for better, thinner, smarter, nicer, wiser, richer, faster, sexier, cooler somethings bottled up and packaged nicely--it feels awkward & outcast to simply sit with nothing. hunches but no certainties. ideas but no follow-throughs. thoughts but no words. sights but no names.

but that's where i am these days. in a place of nothings. it's a tender place--like just being born, a little bit. powerful & wise & happy without knowing much at all. i just have to wait & believe that all this nothing isn't lost on me. that something bold is rearranging in my heart--something i might still never be able to name--even as it all unfolds. if i can just stand by with love until it's ready, knowing that this heart can trust a whole heck-of-a-lot more than i think it can.