Trusting Nothing

what if the mess on your floor doesn't need tidying, and the time on your hands doesn't need filling?
what if there is no next step, nothing to add to the list, nowhere to be, and no one to feel obligated to?
what if you aren't foolish when you have nothing to report on?
what if the truth is--most of us don't?
what if you don't need to know where you're going or just how?
what if the empty space is an important placeholder, as your heart begins to shift into knowing?
what if all that's powerful & good comes from quietly trusting the wide open unknown?
what if you believed that something could be born out of nothing?

these are the questions i've been asking myself lately, dear friends, as i float through my life, completely ignoring the heaps of clothing everywhere, the un-answered phone, the un-showered body, the un-ridden brand new bicycle that's staring me down with shine, the un-written thank you notes. i haven't been able to do much post-wedding. my body feels tired and my mind wiped. but here's the groundbreaking twist that i keep coming up with--the thing that's keeping my soul sane:

nothing, as excruciating and terrifying as it may sometimes feel, is actually something.

nothing is vital space, stillness, openness, emptiness, answerless, and formless mojo.

nothing is defiant and powerful, giving us the rare opportunity to choose compassion over misery, patience over haste, gratitude over self-pity, and awareness over ego.  

i've been trying these things the past week, as i lounged on the couch a whole heck-of-a-lot:

not rushing to fill the nothing
loving the untraveled corners of my heart that i've been venturing into--mystery and all
gathering trust in the glimpses and pebbles that emerge, without needing to instantly turn them into definite somethings
forgiving myself when i revert to somethings i know i don't care for, just so i don't have to sit with the unknown of nothing

in a world where we're routed toward endless striving for better, thinner, smarter, nicer, wiser, richer, faster, sexier, cooler somethings bottled up and packaged nicely--it feels awkward & outcast to simply sit with nothing. hunches but no certainties. ideas but no follow-throughs. thoughts but no words. sights but no names.

but that's where i am these days. in a place of nothings. it's a tender place--like just being born, a little bit. powerful & wise & happy without knowing much at all. i just have to wait & believe that all this nothing isn't lost on me. that something bold is rearranging in my heart--something i might still never be able to name--even as it all unfolds. if i can just stand by with love until it's ready, knowing that this heart can trust a whole heck-of-a-lot more than i think it can.

give

conversations with abraham

 
i have a tendency for falling in love with people everywhere i go. it's a condition i simply cannot shake. yesterday at the big bear cafe, abraham was no exception.

we were sitting catty-cornered at the common table that was long with deep grooves from many years of use, many mugs and plates clanking down on it.

i was drawing and he was typing. peering over his laptop with a slight grin on his face and love in his eyes, he asked me, what are you making?
--sorry, what did you say? with his soft voice and east african accent, it was hard to make out his words.
what are you making, love? it's beautiful.
--oh, thank you. a flier.
ahh... what is it for?
--an arts festival.
oh, you're an artist, yes? i nodded... what kind of art do yo do?
--writing and painting, mostly.
his brow perched up. i'm a writer, too. what do you write about?
--umm... being human, i suppose. you know... fear, trust, love. my nerves must have shown through the confidence i projected. but something in me knew that neither nerves nor confidence were important here. what about you?
he paused. yes yes... ego is the sneakiest of human struggles, he said finally, stroking his beautiful white beard in a quiet and thoughtful way. you never really rid yourself of it. you just learn how to control it. and fear is at the center of everything. i write about these things, too.

i put my pen down, took off my reading glasses, and smiled. hello, love, i thought, let us begin.

our conversation stretched on for hours with velocity and ease. at times when abraham went into longer stories i let my mind quiet and watched the widening and narrowing of his glossy eyes--the space between his barrier-breaking smile and curious furrowed brow.

i've learned through practice to let go of individualizing myself and others... to become part of the universe.

do you still have fear? i asked.

yes, but my fear does not haunt me. from the center of his chest out toward his sides, he motioned with his hands, shaking out the space, patting down the air. this was his letting go, his shaking free. i love to dance, he told me. too much, sometimes.

i knew this was true beyond words, without ever seeing it happen. dancing is freedom, and abraham seemed to know both.

there are two paths you can choose: the average path or the spiritual path. choosing the spiritual path does not land you at the ending like *that*. it takes you on a journey. he leaned back smiling, tilting his head to almost touch his shoulder, as if he saw me straighter that way. i never know where it's taking me. but i'm glad to be on it.

i understand that intellectually, i told him, followed by an exhale of honesty, but i'm still very afraid in my heart. 

ah, you are young. you have many experiences waiting for you and much exploration to do. the universe will teach you many things. many lessons about impermanence and loss. my acceptance of impermanence has liberated me from fear for the most part. but like they say, if you're not an idealistic marxist in your twenties then something's wrong with you. this idealism makes it hard to accept loss. you have many experiences waiting for you. you will live to explore many ideas and truths. but right now, this is enough.

yes, abraham, i thought, right now--this is more than enough.

being love

i wanted to write a poem about this history of love in my life
and i wanted the ending to be happy
you know... as if i'm at the end

which made me realize that the poem i needed to write
was much different than the poem i wanted to write

i need to write a poem about endings
which means i need to write a poem about beginnings
which means i need to write a poem about moments

but i don't know how to write a moment
because i barely know how to live one

because i'm wrapped up in the idea of i
and i'm stuck on the story of me
and i'm lost in the ego of alone

have you felt this way?

by which i mean, do you feel?
by which i mean, does your heart beat faster at the conduction of your thoughts
and do your thoughts lead you down paths to places
other than the present?

this poem is not a happy ending
because poems are not endings
they're not even beginnings
at worst, they're a saying
at best, they're a being

and i'm just trying to be true
trying to expose myself to you
trying to shed back the layers of story
and bring forth the moment in it's glory
but moments don't always feel glorious when we're caught up in feeling

do you remember how it felt to be broken?
do you remember how it felt to be born?
do you remember how it felt to be free?

are you longing for a feeling?

do you breathe?
do you bask in the sun?
do you sit with the wind?

i want to believe that my story has only happy endings
but what if i let my story fall away?

what if the wind and i are one?
what if my skin touches the sun just as much
as the sun touches my skin?
what if breathing is something that happens to me,
not something that i do?
what if i stopped trying to be true?

would a moment grace the page?
would words leave these lips?
would people hold each other?
would we forget?
by which i mean...would we awaken?
by which i mean...would we love?

Mondo Beyondo 2010

live in a juicy orange vw van
camp @ the bottom of the grand canyon
let go of emotional story holding
live in italy again
open my own cafe with amazing italian cappuccino
work for myself in creative business
paint every day (even something tiny)
believe in our bike trip -- believe & trust my body and the universe
less fear
less anxiety
deep Presence
embrace my spiritual guru
make a mixed media mural
swim daily
stay in tree house hotels all over the world
make my own tree house to live in
build a home out of recycled goods
spend every day in the sun
wear dresses most days -- wear construction boots the rest -- or wear them both together all the time
get an SLR camera & love the experience of shooting with it
make art once a day
find a fast & easy way to share it
dare to make more mistakes
do something that scares me daily
learn Lakota
hitch a ride in every US state
get arrested for something worth it
be the change
embrace small steps in the direction of my truth
make forts out of sheets and read shel silverstein with a flashlight inside
hug a tree daily
shave my head
get a tattoo
attend a silence retreat
write music on guitar
learn how to play a jolie holland song
exercise daily
smile
love the moment
forgive
wake up to my ego so i can sink beneath it
accept ego in others without falling into it
believe this: i am enough. we are enough. we are whole. we are connected.
weekly yoga
lay in a field of flowers and listen to the crickets
grow japanese eggplant
make a creative living financially stable without buying into competition, greed or exploitations
learn to fly
go back to santorini & ride a donkey up the mountain at sunset
give away most of my possessions ... except my dresses :)
get a dress in every color from the thrift store
sleep under the stars monthly
take more risks
write every day
become a traveling art show
bring an instrument with us on our bike trip
make my own clothes
make a quilt out of old clothes that used to fit, then give the quilt to someone i love
listen to the tingle in my heart
give, give, give, give, give
breathe, breathe, breathe
surrender, surrender
surrender

(this year's list is really different from last year's... i love that. soon i'll write about what came into being from last year's list. it's amazing to see how much surfaced! :) until then.... what wild daring unfettered dreams is your heart hoping to release? make your own list. share it if you'd like. love it deeply. dreams are sacred. you are sacred.)

ps-click on the image to the right to learn more about mondo beyondo! :)