eve eve eve, with no need to apologize

i don't have normal words.

i have acrostic poems and sketches and ribbons of choruses dancing the gray-sky winds.

i have 1,000 homes and healing hips.

i have my mind and the chance for existentialism or grins.

i have the gift of what's come from giving up on where i'm from. trying less to impress. trying true to breathe through the anxiety of not needing to be somebody.

i have coffee, black and bitter.

i have books, better and better.

i have chest-swollen-thanks under my sweater.

i have moon-bright-trust tucked under cover.

i have a chastity belt around my bruised bottom and a sense of safety even though i'm broken.

i have thank you's overdue and your welcome's i haven't felt through.

i have more spirals than i can count.

i have sacred memories i won't write about.

i have mirrors and mirrors and mirrors of love.

i have the wild above and the thick tangled below.

the center throws of now all dancing around my body like flames of infinity i don't need to control.

find me in awe, down on my knees, praying please please please:

shout yes across the ether, and yes into my weathered heart.

yes to the ache in me that pleads to break free from humanity.

find me whispering: this, this, this is it.

stay. it's all okay.

tenderness. cracks. new growth. laughs.

a strange freedom from longing.

a weird sense of belonging

to myself.

small child, still wild, ever-allowed to make messy mistakes and infinite retakes.

all for the sake of feeling at home in myself.

i hold the wealth.

there's nowhere to go.

stay. there's a way to be strong and simple here.

there's a way to clear the need to be anything but free.

fall.
fall.
fall.

love calls me to my natural height.

tall.
small.
tall.
small.
tall.

through the love lens

i am neither
one nor all
but the strange
falling motion of
acknowledgment
and now.

promises

weave a story
with your strong hands
in my wild hair

tell me something
untrue
and unbuttoning--
drenched with wanting,
elongated

i've mostly sworn myself off promising,
but i promise
i'll stay open to
considering your sweet nothings

not that you're a liar,
just that words
are as impossible
as love
and i speak more in the language of
labor and hands:
grabbing hold
clenching skin
punching in
time after time after time--

muscles so controlled
they learn
how to stitch
and stay--
or at least
make falling away
look graceful



***



i'm hungry, now
with no energy to spare deliberating

i will feed myself
until i become round and full of promise
big enough
to keep

if you wanted to know my spirit

if you wanted to know my spirit
i'd give you a jar and say:

mix all my paints with water
turn me mud-brown, mutt-like
let no one know where i'm from by sight

call me a gorgeous indistinguishable everything
call me singing hallelujah off tune
call me just like you: special matter, transmuting 
unable to untangle 

all these pigments
and roots

hallelu
hallelu
hallelu

how do i remember?

how do i remember candle light
or things that move best in the dark--
glowless with no one watching from a globe's-length away?

how do i remember ribs
quiet breathing
pressed into ribs
and my hand not reaching for confirmation that i exist
beyond this?

how do i remember being held--
mother's touch like a slow rush of love
across my brow?

how do i remember being happy being nothing?

nothing remembering nothing
and the smell of wick
come unlit
smoke staining the air
before it disappears
the moment clears
and temptation smears every corner of my mind

i can't hide from the glow even though
i've locked myself out of my digital house

i still press my finger to the
round-center-doorbell
of everything
waiting for something to answer
like a mother, or a prayer

forgetting what it's like to go home to myself
when no one's home

how do i remember to close?
so i can remember to open?

the long ache of longing
that snakes into belonging
only when i hold it like a mother
or a lover
holds heaven under covers
still and steady
through the night

rebirth update.

this rebirth business. it's like one heaving exhale at a time. roaring. sweating. in-the-zone insanity. thrilling. terrifying. electrifying. exhausting. 

then balmy slimy smiley newness.

i'm pretty sure something died. then something new shot through. (but declarations and words in general have me feeling quite uneasy these days.)

"just keep going" it is.

ps--i do love portland. so so much.

Spirit Road, Take Us Home: 100 Animal Card Readings to Usher in the New Year!

Here's the simple (exciting!) fact: 

• I'm committed to doing 100 animal card readings between December 1st and December 31st.
• Translation: I'm out-of-my-seat thrilled to usher 100 people into the new year with a deep sense that there's something natural and gorgeous guiding them.

Hold the phone. What's an animal card reading?

• I've got a beautiful, well-worn deck of cards--52 in total--each graced with an animal (like above... oh, Black Panther, and the moments you've come into my life...)
• Each of these animals carries an innate and cultural wisdom. Profound truths that we each, at specific times in our lives, could benefit from hearing.
• When we do a reading together, we fan the cards out upside-down and choose a handful that are meant for you in the moment.
• The meant for you part is the magic part. 
• I'm really good with magic. (Mega testimonies below!) 
• I interpret the cards for you with love. And insight. And intuition. The kind that sends you honestly and quickly into your most profound next steps for a better you and a better world.

Curiosity piqued?... Magic can be like that! 

Included in each Spirit Road Animal Card Reading is...

• A 30 minute reading of pure love elixir, over the phone. 
• A beautiful photograph of your spread, and PDFs with my own interpretation of the power of your animals, e-mailed to you after your reading.
• An outlook spread on where you've been, where you're heading, your challenges and hidden strengths, and what you can trust deeply.
• One specific animal to carry with you as your most trusted guide for the year of 2014.  

I could not feel more excited or ready to share the wisdom and transformational power of these animal medicines with you.

And because of that, I'm offering these readings for $28 a piece. A magic number, 4 times over. Buy one for yourself, or buy one for a friend or two... they'd make totally beautiful holiday gifts. You could be talking animal guides with your homies all year long! 

How this works, exactly? 

• Simply click one of the purchase buttons above, and I'll e-mail you to set up a time for us to talk between December 1st and December 31st. 
• If you're buying more than one reading, I'll ask in my e-mail to you who I should contact for their reading. I'll send them a fun lil-gift certificate and get them all set up.
• I'll send you my numba, and you'll call me at our agreed upon time. 
• International peeps can be arranged over Skype.
• Flow!

Love from tha people!

Rachael is a woman with great gifts of inner sight and intuition.  She clearly "knows" the cards, and the cards know her.  Her readings shed an uncanny light on the spiritual journey, and clarify the inner landscape.  Whether you're looking for guidance on beginning your own trek, or aid in refinding your way on the path, I can't recommend her highly enough. -Dave Williams

Rachael's animal readings are a centering force. Before my reading, I remember my head swimming madly with thoughts, doubts, ideas, confusions, questions. Pulling the cards and talking about them with Rachael was like a breath of fresh, clarifying air.  -Marion Boulicault

As a reader myself, I have a lot of respect and admiration for Rachael's skill, loving nature and the compassion with which she delivers her messages. She has read for me numerous times, and after each experience I felt impressed and uplifted. Not only were her readings spot-on accurate, they were delivered with humility and an attitude of respect that encouraged me open up to receive the guidance being offered. During my readings with Rachael, I've found that she seems to be a master at helping me remember what I have forgotten about myself - or that which I might need to acknowledge. I feel that she carries with her a depth of intuition and understanding of the spirit realms and a wholehearted, sincere devotion to her clients success. For that I have much appreciation and gratitude. -Jenny Sammons, http://jennysammons.wordpress.com/

I've always loved card readings, but I had never had an Animal Card reading before I met with Rachael. The experience was nothing less than magical, and it had a profound affect on me. Because of the reading, I took immediate action on issues I had been stuck on, which led to large positive changes in my life. Rachael was the perfect guide to interpret the cards and gently direct me down the path I'd wanted to choose all along. -TW

I've pulled cards for myself, but never had someone else read for me. Rachael's radiant, gentle presence in the world made me trust her to do so. Our reading began with her warm welcome, calm and comforting, opening a space that hummed with possibility and intention. She showed up, was wholly present for the process, allowing whatever might arise, a kind guardian of what came, never getting in its way. As she interpreted the wisdom of the cards, Rachael made the most compassionate offering, shining a light on obstacles and opportunities alike, leaving me with a sense of clarity and peacefulness that has stayed with me. I felt encouraged and empowered by the new insights, and am grateful for the ease and joy Rachael brought to the experience. -Jill Salahub

Rachael’s intuitive process of choosing and interpreting animal medicine cards has convinced me of this powerful form of guidance. Though I was somewhat familiar with the cards, and had consulted some of the various meanings, I had never had a full reading by someone versed in them thoroughly. Each time I have had a reading by Rachael, she has drawn a card or several cards that connect with the core of something I am addressing. But beyond being able to draw the needed card, she is also tapped into the energy of the card and how it is being manifested in me, or how I need to manifest the energy of the animal medicine in order to move forward. I would highly recommend a card reading from Rachael to anyone open to connecting with a different way of knowing through accessing the power of the animal cards under Rachael’s guidance. -Maya Story

Within seconds of sitting with Rachael, I felt safe and seen. Her reading was completely aligned with where I was in my life, what I was wondering about, and the messages I'd been receiving elsewhere. Rachael gave me glimpse into my soul and illuminated just what I longed to see. -Anna Oginsky, www.heartconnectedhub.com

When Rachael did an animal card reading for me, I was wondering if I was pregnant or not.  Strangely enough I drew the card for the Bear, which is a symbol of gestation and nurturing.  I really felt peace after that about whatever the outcome would be.  She told me that even if I wasn't pregnant, that it could still be an indicator that I needed to nurture myself, and let some things gestate within me.  She was very loving and really made me feel cared for. -Christina Carnoy, www.society6.com/inara77

This was my first time receiving an animal card reading and it was illuminating! Rachael is a sculptor of words and a conduit for intuitive truths. I will be applying my reading (Dolphin & Frog - Breath & Water) as a new, more conscious daily practice, to my life. - Leah, http://photogram.ca/alifeserendipity

At SoulSisters, I had an card reading with Rachael whom I found to be intuitive and easy to connect with. Rachael's message was very much in alignment with what I needed to hear. Her insights encouraged me to turn inward and open up more to my spiritual self. I've been feeling a hunger for a deeper spiritual connection and my reading with Rachael confirmed that it's time to go to the next level of my growth. She was right on! Did I mention how Rachael is absolutely adorable, playful, and warm hearted? -Trish

I recently attended a Soul Sister Gathering this fall and I attended with an open heart and mind, not really knowing what to expect. Opening night there were many activities to welcome us and one of the most interesting was Rachael Maddox's Animal Card Reading.  We introduced ourselves and told a little about our desires for the weekend or even our lives. I felt for not knowing me at all- her insight was profound. I returned back to the hotel to create this image so I would not forget the experience. Thanks, Rachael!  -AJones

Rachael's love for what she does shines through every part of her.  When she did a card reading for me, it was with such love and kindness, especially when my immediate reaction was "Ugh, I was hoping for something really happy'.  She was able to help me see that simply shifting my perspective of how I hold certain things can be such an example of grace in my life.  I always enjoy working with women like Rachael who are strong and confident and show up with such tenderness and playfulness.   - Michele V.

All my love, friends. Journey on. Journey true!

love love love,

rachael

PS--Questions? Curiosities? Thrilled gleeful excitement? My door's always open: rachmddx@gmail.com

Coming Out

Cosmic 25 by Rachael Maddox -- Chapter 2 : Coming Out from Rachael Maddox on Vimeo.

dragonflies and death rituals on the front porch of destiny

photo by the ever-magical Corinna Robbins

"I can't give you an accurate description," I confess sharply. "I'm all fucked up about Dragonfly. It's too close to the source. No matter how many times I read the damn descriptions, I just can't get it. I'm blocked."

This is what I sounded like two nights ago on the porch after the kids were put to sleep. Maya and I sat on the wooden swing drinking red wine from old jam jars, pulling animal medicine cards, and two readings in, we landed on Dragonfly. The medicine? Illusion.

"Okay, well don't think about what the book says. What do you know about Dragonflies in general?" she asked.

"They're fast. Magical. Gorgeous. Time-traveling. Fragile. With really long gestation periods to get their wings. They never stay anywhere for long...I mean, have you seen them? They're always just here and gone! And that's what I hate about them!"

At this point, I've traveled so much in the past 3 years that the thought of extended vagabonding and uprooting instantly sends my system into shock trauma. I've been waffling on this cross-country drive, to be honest. Afraid. That the car will die in the middle of nowhere and I'll have to stilt walk to Portland. That something will pull me in some other direction and the never-ending Celestine Prophecy will continue until I have 34 cents in my bank account. That somehow all this wandering will amount to me being alone forever. FOREVER.

Luckily, Maya's a weathered witch, and reminded me that this is not any old flightiness I'm taking on. It's the Bat ritual of rebirth that I've been needing--the integration of my true purpose right now. 

"You have to do it, Rachael," she said matter-of-factly without skipping a beat. "You need to go home, pack up your stuff, and say goodbye to your old life, for real, so you can build your new one all the way." Maya's the one who coincidentally showed up at my airport terminal in black flowing drab and nudged me to go to circus camp a year ago. Her track-record for straight-talk is good, so when she gets sharp and pointed, I let it cut.

What I'm not telling you is I've had a long-standing inextinguishable desire to build my own circular straw bail house: earth slabbed together by bare hands and love near a river 15 minutes from a town, that I can drive my blue scooter in to when I tire from the chickens and plants. A place I can always go home to when the exhaust of magical travel wears on me. A place that stays. It's the dream I've dead-ended on for two years straight, and it's been haunting me especially lately. Naturally, it came up.

"It makes perfect sense, Rachael. You need that house to ground you, so that you can embrace the magic of Dragonfly without burning out. You need it and it's yours," she said, chestnut brown eyes deep with permission and a tad bit of provocation, "but you can't get it until you go through the process of leaving your youth behind. Until you actually put it out there that you're ready. That you're willing to go through the pain of letting go to get it."

Simple true shit I can count on an old lady friend to tell me.

"You're right, Maya. Damn it, you're right."

I took a few drags of her clove cigarette, watched the smoke curl and disappear. The air was cool and foggy and full of moonlight, and I finally felt a tad-bit hopeful--like I could do it, like I wanted it, like maybe everything isn't just disappearing for no good reason, but there's something rooted and real that awaits me. And it's actually up to me to not just dream it, but create it.

Today, it would help me so much to know: What have you left behind to create something truer for your honestly magical life? I'm starting to tell stories again, like a trust that's regrowing inside me. Yours would help my heart feel brave. This much I'm sure is true.

To destruction & creation & glistening rivers of love,
rachael

Age & Meaning with Kate Swoboda :: Real talk on trust, depression, love and life in her 20's.

I love Kate Swoboda for so many reasons. Personally speaking, she was my first-ever life coach and helped me move mountains and mountains of ideas about self-worth, fear and courage. Our relationship has since deepened and evolved to a place of deep love and wild respect, and I'm honored to call Kate friend.

On a professional level, her work is generously robust and sharply focused on teaching people to access their inner-courage in tangible and effective ways. Check her out here: http://www.yourcourageouslife.com/

I'm so excited to share with you her wisdom, radical truth-telling and thorough thought in this Age & Meaning interview.

Some topics we hit big on are:

• Normalizing not knowing what the fuck you're doing
• Course-correcting 
• Depression, anxiety and anger
• Getting curious about your pain
• Aloneness vs. relationships
• How to really learn all the lessons

All my deepest gratitude to you, Kate. And a big big love to all!

Want more Age & Meaning Interviews? Head right here, friend: Age & Meaning Interviews

xo,
Rachael

The spirit road of melted wax, amorphous journeys, and finding my way home.

I'm watching wax drip and harden onto the sturdy home of the wooden desk I found on the corner of my block a month ago, and I'm actually envious. If only I could melt and harden onto something. If only all this transmutation could translate into staying put for a while.

I say it like I'm powerless in the situation. Like I don't hold the match, like I don't have a wick, like there aren't 1,000 wooden desks that would catch my wax if I only I would let them.

But the thing is, all candle metaphors aside, I'm undergoing an epic reshaping. No matter how glad I am with the varying "results", no matter how free I feel leaving behind the structures that no longer serve me, epic reshapings are straight up messy. Especially when your new shape's not certain. For all I know, I could run into the table cloth and get stuck, or drip down the side of the desk, parts of me completely falling off the edge.

I'm about to embark on another cross-country adventure, and while some may read that sentence and think, how lucky, the truth is, I've been dreading the movement. In the past 3 years, I haven't lived in one place for more than 6 months. I want to go home. To a home that stays. But it doesn't exist yet. And that's... tiring.

Additionally, leaving is going to mean facing a lot people who I love, who I've been with forever, and telling them: I won't be seeing you as much. I'm a huge roots person. This will not be easy for me. Nonetheless, I'm flying home and then packing my most important possessions into my 1992 Chrysler Le Barron (also known as Christ Labron...pray for it's Christliness), hugging and kissing my family and friends 10,000 times, and saying goodbye.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and be planted in my "new life." Skip over all the ache. But there's a literal rite of passage from one side of this country to the other that awaits me. An intentional letting go. It's a big deal, and I can't surpass it. So I'm doing the only thing I feel good about doing to make it really work for me: embracing it all the way.

Tomorrow I'll tell you about what I want to share with you as I travel across the country. Until then, thank you for being here. I can feel your support somehow, unexplainably so. I don't feel alone. And I'm glad for that. Also, thank you for your responses to my last post. It's been so long since I shared my truth with the world, that to be received with such deep love was an unbelievable buoy to my spirit. Thank you.

All my love,
Rachael

The Future Is Bright and other sentences told only in the thick of the story

I've lost my writing hands these days, can barely stand to tell any new stories to even myself. But no matter, I convince myself. There are old stories I've nearly memorized that are here to walk me through the dark of disorientation. I walk over to my altar, pull open the tasseled sheer pouch that houses my story-scrolls, and reach in to see which one is reaching out to meet me. It's a tradition derived from card-pulling meets the Torah meets Jen-Lemen-craftiness. 

I pull the Thick One. The one that meets me when I'm at my heart's end. The one that knows doubt and quiet hopelessness--fear and feral longing for a truly better life. The one that I've unravelled and re-raveled so many times over the past year that the origami paper is fraying at the edges and the tape at the end is ridden with residue of glitter and carpet lint. 

Everything will be okay, because you are brave.

I need this one sentence so deeply that I open the beginning of this particular spiral day in and day out just to make sure those words are still there, that sentence is still true. Further in, reminders whisper their way into the depths of me through my cold fingers, rhythmic hands, seesaw wrists, still body. Words spiral down beside me. Tiny breaths. Tiny motions. The story ends and I begin the long process of regathering each word into its rightful spiraled position.

Maybe this is the best we can do when we're wordless in major life transitions. Take walks when the sun shines for the first time in days. Breathe slowly. Read the old stories that gave us solace as we shifted and shed before, can give us solace now as we shift and shed once more. 

Today, I'm sharing this video with you on the off-chance that it's any good (creatively), and on the on-chance that you, too, may be needing the reminder that we truly are okay, us brave-hearted people. That no matter the size of our particular reorientation, there are stories that can help us feel strong as we grow into everything lost and everything found that was ever truly meant for us.

All my love,

Rachael

PS--It's possible... possible... that I'll make Chapter 2. Maybe even Chapter 3. And who knows if they'll look anything like this, or not. I'm experimenting. The truth is, I have over 25 real stories from my life when I was 25 (remember when I talked about writing a book?!) that I'd love to write by hand onto scrolls. Read aloud. Make into short videos. We'll see. They get personal. Which is what I love about them. They get personal. Which is what makes them super vulnerable to share. 

Bringing Ourselves to the World Situation: Natural, Organic, Real :: Age & Meaning with Julie Daley

I love Julie Daley. This woman is wise love, fierce tenderness, holy gorgeous evolution right before our eyes.

Listen in as Julie highlights her wisdom on the non-conventionality of being a young mom, learning to trust your self and body, gender relations and becoming whole, love and solitude, silence... and so much more.

Mostly, if you want a 9 minute deep breath of earthly divine wisdom, this interview is yours for savoring.




Age & Meaning with Rachael Maddox: Julie Daley from Rachael Maddox on Vimeo.

Deep deep gratitude to you, Julie, for your time, your spirit, your powerful radiant force of love.

PS--For more Age & Meaning interviews, head to the Art page of my site. xoxox

From the Shores of my Borderless Heart

I may officially be getting older because I'm actually beginning to approach love discerningly. Let's take this slower, I hear myself saying over and over again, as I shuffle two steps backward, leaning in with my intuition, not my heart. Let's wait a while, see if we actually like each other enough to get all mushy gushy. 

Love is easy. 

Like is picky. 

Communion is holy.

I want all three. So sincerely that I'm happy waiting, casting spells into the wind, dancing into the ground of my truth, peering out from the shores of my borderless heart, to see if that boat that's passing this way is going where I want to go. Letting it get just close enough to know. Not jumping at the first sight of any boat. But trusting that I'm okay, even if I never leave my own land. Instead, I can toss glitter to the wind, bless that dear boat's journey, sing songs to its sails from my shore. But actually stepping foot inside its walls? That's a whole other tale. 

I've had one too many spills amidst roaring waves to simply say "okay" to any shiny ship passing through. 

The Do It Meaningfully Challenge: 4 Habits to Change Your Life, Our World.

Crazy sages, magic-makers, world-changers, beauty-lovers:

I don't know how else to say it, because this is really how I think of it:

Are you ready to get your soul shit together?

Me. Too.

Join me.

What happens when the world has more people living their magic, their power, their love? Good things. Really good things:

Creative masterpieces, better orgasms, bigger grins, fewer migraines... deep forgiveness, healed injuries, well-deep vitality... raises, resignation letters, revolutionary togetherness...

When we're in our magic, our power, we begin to overflow with love. We begin to feel the tingling truth of our place in the human family--what we're here to do and give. And we have the knowing, the trust, the power to simply go out and do it, give it.

It's big beautiful work. It's honest-to-god world-changing. Personally satisfying. Sexy as hell. And why I'm offering this challenge to whoever feels called to the movement.

Read on, lovers.

What:

A 30-day challenge to LIVE your meaningful desires, 

by practicing a daily habit to support each core part of you: 

your mind, body, heart & soul.

Inclusive of:

Two 30-minute 1-on-1 coaching sessions.

Daily group emails full of insight, motivation, stories and support.

Community camaraderie through a private Facebook group.

A closing tele-ceremony.

What, continued:

The Do It Meaningfully 30-day challenge will invite you into 4 personally designed daily habits: one for your mind, one for your body, one for your heart and one for your soul.

What's the state of each piece of your being? What do they each really desire? What daily actions would support those deep and honest longings?

We'll work together 1-on-1 to explore these questions powerfully and honestly enough to come up with four habits that are deeply desire-driven and timely for you. Then, in virtual community, we'll embark on a 30-day challenge to live those actions to our best ability.

That's the set-up: 4 parts of your being. 4 centered & true daily habits. Do It Meaningfully for 30 days.

When:

• Oct 8-18: Your first 1-on-1 session falls within this time frame to get you all centered & set up
• Oct 21-Nov 19: We dive into our 30-day challenge, and your second 1-on-1 session happens within the 30 days--when you desire it
• Nov 20: We celebrate wildly

How:

If you're ready to say yes now, scroll down to the bottom of the page, hit the PayPal button for $99. After purchasing the package, you'll receive an e-mail with further instructions for getting all set up.

**Personal and community revolutions are not exclusive or classist in my world. Really. Ever. If you cannot afford the above price tag, please e-mail me. We'll work it out. We're all in this together.

Eye-brow raised but still wanting more info? Read on, soul-sib.

The Ideal Participant

The Do It Meaningfully Challenge is for you if, on a personal level, you've been finding yourself saying over and over again:

• I'm really ready for my life to change but I just need help following through.
• I want to do things differently... but for whatever reason I keep skimping out on myself.
• I want to really immerse myself in x, y, or z... 
• I don't want to be acting from a place of fear, but from a place of deep desire and passion.
• I'm sick of white-knuckling my way through a long list of shoulds.
• I'm ready to do something truly good for myself and the world, but I need the help figuring out HOW, and then committing.

Or if on a global level, you're wondering:

• Who's going to change the world?
• Where is our leadership?
• How will things ever get better?
• How will we untangle ourselves from this wildly depressing mess?
• Where's the love? The magic? The healing? The togetherness?

The truth is: we're the ones we've been waiting for. Leadership is needed. The kind that radically commits to becoming the kind of expression we're seeking and craving in the world. It's actually up to us to develop. Through practice. Through courage. Through commitment. Together. Slowly. Honestly. Deeply.

You can act. You can practice staying with yourself and your desire long enough for things to really shift. And it's this--this act of practicing your integrity within a loving supportive community--that has the potential to truly change your life and our world.

My Role as Your Guide

The revolutionary in me wants nothing more than to help us all wake up, walk honestly, with self-love and deep breaths--to come into our most immense love and power--for the sake of our lives, our world, our future as a people and planet. If this world is to change for the better, it will be because the magic and power within us has rumbled and awakened.

I will offer my most sage and real guidance on this journey. I'm practiced in practicing, and honestly imperfect. But committed to staying--to seeing myself and others through the messy middle(s) of change and growth that are unavoidable and their own version of glorious.

There's a tenderness required to commit to change. And also a ruthless self-love that's easy to forget about if someone's not consistently whispering in your ear, "It's okay if you didn't go all the way today... But stay. Stay in the practice. Don't walk out on yourself even if you're not where you want to be." Or, "Push yourself. Really. Today, it won't kill you."

I'll help you find your own inner knowing of where you are each day. I'll encourage you to trust yourself, to honor yourself as your own best teacher. I'll teach you to teach yourself how to love the trying lover inside of you.

I will offer all my love, spouts of humor, lessons learned from past practices, as well as daily insights, as I too work through my own mind, body, heart and soul commitments.

We will be together. 
It will be wild, raw, tender, real.

Time Commitment

Look--it's all about showing up and doing your best with what you've got each day. Sometimes that means doing way less, and breathing through that. Sometimes that means workin' over time because you're feeling so alive. The minimum commitment is about showing up and seeing clearly where you really are each day. Daily awareness. A few minutes of it. It's actually more powerful than it seems. 

On the flip side, I imagine most people will choose daily practices that add up to anywhere between 20 and 60 minutes. Some practices won't be time centered at all, but more integrity centered. For example: 5 minutes in silent meditation per day is clearly a time-centered practice. Adding greens to 2 meals per day, telling the truth, or saying "no" once a day... more about preparation or emotional awareness, rather than time. You can create what you're really craving, desiring, needing right now. That's what this is all about.

Want in?

More Questions?

Shoot 'em my way. rachmddx at gmail dot com.

So much love to you, sage friends. Thanks for reading.

Someone wanted me to tell you to still believe in love

Someone wanted me to tell you to still believe in love
Long after the heartbreaks that grow you old, weather your rib cage, tighten your lungs
Long after you've learned strategy and self-respect, or how to be happy on your own
Long after you've grown weary of risking so much energy--putting in, without any guarantees that your efforts will bare fruit
Past your better judgment that falling in often means falling apart
Someone wanted me to tell you to still go
All the way
Past the fear of certain pain, past the knowing that you will lose
Someone out there, despite these warnings, still wants your vulnerable, scarred up heart
Still desires your tender desire
Still seeks your raw and wobbly expression of trust
Still waits for your laughter to fill the quiet room
Someone still wants to face you as your mouth cries out in human explosion
Wants to evaporate with you, lose all sense of self--together
And then hold you for just a little while longer, at least
Remind you--by being with you--
That, for better or worse,
Through sickness and health
We all disappear together

When they leave, it doesn't mean you lose. A contemplation on break-ups, winnings, and losings in love.

When they leave, it doesn't mean you lose.

 

You lose when you roll up the windows of your truth. When you pace paranoid in your own darkness, afraid that if they knew what was in there, they couldn't possibly be interested in staying.

You lose when you prioritize "keeping things easy" for them, over believing that your heart's real expression is worth the work of understanding.

You lose when getting them to stay becomes more important than how relaxed or happy or in-love you feel when you're with them.

You lose when you do all the work. When you process and coach and coax things into surviving. When you deny creative destruction. When you don't let what's sinking, sink, and you drown yourself in the process.

You lose when you decide stubbornly that if they don't stay, you're not staying. What about standing in the truth of your love, either way? What about saying "I'm not done here," without demands, without overextending. But with gentle knowing trust that it's okay to let love flow its natural desiring course. Vulnerable, and completely okay.

You lose when you've convinced yourself that you couldn't possibly do it without her, without him. Because you could. You can. The truth is, everyone eventually loses everyone. We all go home, to the Big Home, alone. Even the truest loves between two people are mortal. But the best loves help us remember the infinite love that's beyond us.

Which brings us to winning...

You win when you heed your intuition about what will make you happy in a healthy, expansive way, rather than clinging to the attachments of your heart. 

You win when you let the leaving happen honorably; no fake-outs or fold-ins. The true you stays true. 

You win when you respect yourself and your desire for capital L-love, rather than fearing the loss of a nice-and-easy Like.

You win when you trust that Love is infinite. That everyone, everyone, wants to give and receive Love. That there is really, truly always more Love to go around.

You win when you realize there's a spiritual love within your body, your being, your very sweet soul--and you can access it at any time. It's inconvenient for our hopes of a constant material expression of love from another, but it's still true. You Are Nothing But Love. And you win when you can tap into that truth, breathe in it, bathe and dance and sing and weep in it. That's the biggest win of all.

“Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens - The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.” - John Steinbeck

Becoming Fire

It's the night before Independence Day and I'm in Colorado alone. I technically have a home waiting for me, but we all know how that goes--the things that wait we don't always want. I can feel my dreams screaming with urgency not to get off track, but to ride the train hard and fast as far as it will take me and at the cliff fly, let what wants to die, die--trust that the stuff of spirit floats.

Last year, this time, I was walking the streets of a small city in Maryland watching families gather on blankets, sharing mosquito spray, popcicles, beer. I remember keeping my eyes peeled for anyone, anyone at all who was also alone and ready to sweep me away from my terrible solitude. The ice-cream man gave me a free a bottle of water and his phone number. I never called. I sat cross-legged on the grass and watched the moon stand steady behind exploding fireworks. I prayed that I'd somehow recover, feel sane, happy even, given the chance to sit alone again watching the world explode.

Tonight I'm going out solo on an out-of-town friend's cruiser bike. I don't know what I'll find. But it's almost Independence Day, and no coincidence that I'm alone.

It's become clear over the year that the hidden gift of solitude is you only have to please yourself; let the most alive and fearless part of you choose what you really want to do, go do it.

Tonight, I want to feel something new; be out in the world, become fire.

A Haiku for the Heat. (In 4 parts).

I surrender, sun.

Burn me like a forest fire,

leave me half-way gone.

Watch my matter change,

disintegrate, fall, take flight.

It's all a rain dance.

When red is just red,

when clouds can be wet or dry,

you'll have found me, free.

Don't look for the old.

Familiarity's blind.

Taste me: I'm pulsing.

What if the Gift is the Ending? We Can Reimagine Our Lives?

The title to this post is an excerpt by Jen Lemen from the short film below.

We loaded our bicycles, panniers, salty-skinned bodies into the van. The door shut and the dog licked my face. I smiled on the outside, retrieved my camera, snapped a photo with my husband, then watched as the open hills of South Dakota moved like sound waves through my heart, everything singing loss. I might never come back for my destiny, I thought. Jesus Christ, I might never know.

~~~

Some people are doorways into new depths of our selves. My body pulled into his like a magnet, like it had been dead and suddenly shocked awake again. Once we feel, we cannot un-feel.

~~~

Almost a year later, I still could not undo my longing. I want for us to come clean, I wrote my husband with every ounce of courage in me; to honor each other out the door.

~~~

We ran into each other on a random side-street in the city at 2am on a Tuesday a month after we split. When I didn’t know how I was getting home, he offered me to stay at his. We hardly cuddled in that tiny twin bed. He tried, but I couldn't kiss him. I couldn't bear to take off my clothes. I couldn't offer my body, not my heart, not my hands. All I could do was sob. And so I did. And he did, too. We sobbed together until we forgot why we were sobbing. Until we fell asleep like motherless babies in a new world neither of us knew. 

~~~

My best friend curled into my bed after her brother's wedding. We spooned. The gas that had been grumbling in my stomach for a month was slowly disappearing. I slept without worry or stress. I woke up with tears in my throat. Drove her home where her family was waiting. 

Do you ever miss him? her parents asked of my ex. 

Sometimes. We're not talking right now. I just need the space. 

I got back in my car. Soko played in the background. Four years and I still haven't gotten over you, she sings. The whole ride home, grief flooded my face. I landed on the couch, asked my mother to read to me.

~~~

He called from South Dakota one year after my ex and I loaded that van with our bikes. My ex was back on the Rez and ran into him, told him out of the goodness in his heart that we broke up and I’d love to hear from him. Then gave him my number so he could call.

I’m building my house, he left on my voice-machine. You can come out if you’d like. I’d love to see ya. Three hours later I was in a rental car. Two and a half days later, he was holding me at the top of his dusty driveway, a whole universe of unfinished business flooding our bodies.

I heard every message God wanted him to deliver me. We sang every song that was stuck in my throat of doubt.

~~~

A cat nudges me now in the mornings, purrs like a reminder that love comes in many forms. I sit alone after a year of dating around, doing my best at not hurrying for others arms or eyes. I sit alone now in a whole new body, cell after cell transforming from stuck to free. I do my best at getting out of the way, at letting myself float in the unknown until something real jumps out for touching.

~~~

Some truth about love is really wanting to break through you, Jenny tells me on the phone today, one year exactly after my ex and I split.

It’s true, I say knowingly, tears cracking my voice. I have to keep going like this--risking everything for my truth, not knowing what will happen. I have to stay willing to speak everything in my heart, then watch things break or be born again.

Yes, she whispered with power. It's revolutionary work.

It is. But what else is there? I'm here for the very best quality love. I can't pretend I'm wired any other way.

Not pretending is the beginning, she said.

Yes, I nodded quietly, knowing that beginnings are only born when we brave our honest endings, and no ending is done without courage. 

~~~

A year ago this short was filmed by my incredible friends Jen and Corinna via Hopeful World Productions. Brian and I so tenderly agreed to let them capture the very end of our relationship on reel. I am so thankful to have it, to hear Jen's wisdom, to see all the love matched with all the loss, to know that truly, our goodbyes are the beginnings to the new life that is waiting for us. Today, I hope you give this film a watch. And may you know, especially if you are amidst grand change, that there is reason to be hopeful, to have faith, to trust, that a deeper truer you is ripening. And that we are truly, truly together in the tenderness of our beautiful endless cycles. 

All my love,

Rachael

Everything Changes from Hopeful World on Vimeo.