One Year Later

When I graduated from college back in May '09, I felt hazy about what I would do next. Except when I looked at things from the angle of what I wouldn't do. My internal dialogue sounded something like this: I won't sell my soul and spirit to the 9 to 5 convention. I won't drive myself into the ground with commitment and responsibility to something I'm not passionate about. I won't get the job that sounds good but feels miserable... I won't, I won't, I won't!

Thinking about it now, it reminds me of a scene from the movie Milk when someone confronts Harvey Milk about running such a negative campaign. Milk is told (I'm paraphrasing), "You don't win campaigns by pointing out everything that's bad or by saying what you won't stand for--You win campaigns by creating an inspired vision--something people can hold onto--something people can have hope in and stand behind and fight for--not against."

So I have a secret to share: I've been tossing around ideas. Big ideas. Big, inspired, juicy, exciting ideas. And I've been having these moments of truth where I find myself asking: Why not jump in and get messy with what I love? What do I have to lose? How bad could it really get? Maybe my resistance (and the tug-of-war I have with it) has created just the right combination of space and obligation. Maybe I could really pull it off--a life of authentic pursuit, not just a life of authentic resistance.

Unfortunately, I think we all might be able to guess what my gremlins have to say about my big, juicy dreams...

If you begin working for your own inspired vision you will fail, hate it, suck at it, or die from it. Plain and simple. This is not a laughing matter. Why are you chuckling? YOU SUCK! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO CHUCKLE! (And I meant it... You will die).

Talk about a discouraging internal psyche! Whew! (And I apologize for the scary caps!) But it's the truth--we all have them. The monsters. The goblins. The internal pests that are trying to protect us from failure and scraped knees. The scary caps!

Still. There is another voice that's been nudging me lately. She is much kinder, and sounds something like this...

Apply for the grant. You have all the support you need. You are talented enough with so many beautiful ideas. Your work will make a difference AND you'll feel amazing doing it. Even if (when!) it doesn't go perfectly--you'll learn from it. It will be an important process. You can do it. You can do it. Do it, sweetie. You won't regret it!

So I thought I'd let you know where I am tonight. Somewhere in between fear and trust, with a heart that knows there is nothing authentic without both, and a soul that's hopeful for balance between the two. This is no easy place to be. It feels much like standing at a ledge and readying myself to jump. How will it feel? Terrifying like crashing? Or liberating like flying? Maybe a bit of both is necessary.

I'm mustering the courage to say it's almost time to find out.

What about you? Do you feel yourself teetering between fear and trust? Has your heart reconciled and learned to take leaps? I'd love to hear your story in email, snail mail or comments below. Truly.

And here's one for the big joyful wishes...

May you greet them each with deep trust and knowing, that all the right ones come true.

So many things I wish I knew how to tell you...

Really. There are.

I wish I knew how to tell you all the stories of all the times when I was just about to give up hope, but something came along and turned the tide in my direction.

Or that I know how it feels to compromise myself for the possibility of love, but that the only way real love has ever evolved in my life was from the stubborn determination to Offer Who I Am.

Or how hard it feels to stop telling myself lies about my own self-worth and potential. But how deep the pay off is when I do.

Or how much I'm riding on trust.

I wish I knew how to tell you that in between my endless pout over living in a basement apartment, there are moments in the early morning when that big jewel in the sky shines her rays right through my one window, right onto my morning cup of coffee, and warms my hands, reminding me to slow down, to be present.

I wish I knew how to tell you without so much fear that I have art waiting for you. That I've been creating like crazy over here, and that soon I'm going to let you in on my creations and pray that you'll want one.

And I wish I knew how to tell you that I know I'm making compromises right now--playing the "working woman" role, and leaving less time than I'd like for my soul work. But how I also know that I need this--at least one month without complete havoc over how I'll pay my rent.

I wish I knew how to tell you that I'm not afraid of the living the life I'm meant to live--I'm not afraid of my path. I'm ready for it. Today. This very minute. But even still, I find myself coming up against new edges, new fears, and having to contract again in order to expand again.

I wish I could tell you that I know what it's like to feel lost from my path. Like the universe is not on my side. When I'm wishing and dreaming and things still aren't coming true. But that all those things are part of my story. Part of the sadness and the struggle and the resistance that help me hope with even more heart.

I wish I knew how to tell you that having you here with me gives me courage, gives me trust, and helps me believe that I'm meant for this.

We are in this together. Our dreams are waiting for us. And the world needs us to be true to our hearts. Especially now during such desperate times. The world needs us to create more beauty--and beauty doesn't come from waiting for the right situation, the perfect moment, a better economy, or enough credentials. Beauty comes from the broken, the vulnerable, the honest, the true. It comes from the hopeful heart.

Today, even when I don't know how to express myself like I'd prefer, I come to you from my heart, offering myself to you as a partner-in-dreaming, hoping you'll say Yes.

The words that are following me around

"When you wish, if it's a wish that's really integral to who you are, it presents new challenges. It doesn't just end there, with a state of fulfillment. It takes you to a new edge." - Noelle Oxenhandler

Mondo Beyondo 2009!

inspired by Jen Lemen & Andrea Scher's incredible online course, Mondo Beyondo!

i want peace (with myself, my loved ones, my community, the world)
which means that i want listening and reconciliation
i want real effort-full equality
i want to truly practice honoring all living things... i want to work through discovering what this means for me
i want community and togetherness... a village!
i want to be fragile and raw and know that i have back up
i want empowerment and honesty
i want to stop lying about silly things, to stop worrying how i'll be percieved for my imperfections & mistakes and learn how to laugh at myself!
i want to expose my flaws and be okay with them
i want security and stewardship with the earth... i want my grandchildren and their grandchildren to enjoy mother nature... i want to consume as little as possible & repurpose as much as possible
i want patience
i want to be part of a village that raises children
i want to love deeply & openly & enthusiastically like i did when i was 3
i want to not take myself so seriously...to let myself laugh more often...to be more lighthearted
i want to live in south dakota on the reservation and give all that i have to the Lakota
i want to know what it's like to sing silence, to paint stillness
i want to be completely present in intimacy.
i want cooperative housing at university of maryland to be the best thing since sliced bread...i want to find the perfect starting house and get a million dollar grant... i want to be in the founding group of people who change the corporate landscape of college park to a magical city of authenticity
i want to be part of the coolest arts collective in all of washington dc
i want a garden full of WIND CHIMES and WINE BOTTLE PATHS and UNHINGED DOORS painted incredible colors and vegetables that are LUSH and NOT BORING (ie-not radishes) and YELLOW TULIPS
i want a magical sketch journal that chronicles my life through the images i connect to daily, through what i just had to sketch
i want all the black people and all the white people in washington dc to sit down with each other and to hear each other's stories
i want to feel part of my neighborhood, to form life-long friendships with the people on my block
i want to feel safe where i live
i want to harness my identity as a jewish woman more deeply. not in terms of religion, but in terms of history, culture, and connection to oppression.
i want to go to the columbia heights unitarian/universalist church!
i want to practice non-violent communication and teach it to many people
i want to be my own boss, and earn money facilitating, problem-solving, helping people discover their super-powers, helping people heal... i want this to be in a space that is welcoming and warm
i want to be able to have multiple jobs without burning out
i want to have incredible mentors, and also be an incredible mentor...for the rest of my life
i want a magical cottage where all the amazing women in my life retreat to, where we bring bright blue nail polish and boas and red lipstick and diva cups, where we cry and skip rocks across the river, where we drink red wine and cappuccino, where we share all of our deepest inspiring truths and novels and poems and wisdom and youthfullness
i want to be able to ask for what i need without feeling selfish or guilty
i want to live in a humble home that has awesome windows and magically colored walls
i want to live in a cooperative community for as long as i can stand it :)
i want to love my body more
i want to reconnect to the vitality of my body
i want to start running again
i want capitalism as we know it (corporate oligarchy) to fall & community based economies, bartering & cooperatives to triumph... i want to create alternative economic structures for people to participate in... a different model for people to use when the current one is deemed broken
i want empowering group living opportunities for young adults coming out of foster care, for the elderly people who are still able but lonely, for anyone needing a family
i want to write my grandmothers biography
i want to travel to germany and greece with my mom...to see where she spent her life when she was my age
i want to ride my bike across country with brian
i want to ride my bike to jen's 95% of the time
i want money to matter LESS (and i think with all the online mechinisms that trade services and goods, this is beginning to happen more)
i want to add more art to the streets!
i want more bike lanes in dc
i want more affordable quality housing to people traditionally denied ownership opportunities
i want empowerment for those historically made voiceless (i want to help people have the opportunity to tell their own story, themselves)
i want every young person to be encouraged to dream, encouraged to pursue their passions, encouraged to discover their strengths
i want standardized tests to disappear
i want to promote education that encourages curiosity, dissent, ingenuity, innovation, creativity and problem-solving
i want more opportunities for education, world wide
i want to be fearless enough to talk to people on the metro, on the streets
i want to remember to pause more often ... to reconnect to mindfullness
i want guitar sing-alongs in my house all the time
i want a tribe that isn't always dispersed across the country. i want true-blue friendship that's here-and-now
i want contentedness
i want to publish a book comprised of my father's bullet-point, life-lesson e-mails, alongside photos i've taken of him or excavated from his past
i want to know what the settings on my camera are and then master them...i want to shoot awesome photographs and never use a flash!
i want to collaborate with incredibly talented and soulful people
i want to learn mixed media techniques and stretch my painting further... i want to be unafraid to ask for advice
i want to have a hang-out session with joni mitchell, and a personal concert of all my favorite tunes...
i want, one day, to have a really incredible wedding with brian where all of our friends scattered all over the world venture to be with us and celebrate love... i want it to be really inexpensive, but out-of-this-world fun!
i want all of my friends to have the right to legal marriage privileges
i want to camp at the bottom of the grand canyon
in 4 years, i want to have a 5 year reunion in Florence with women i lived there with!!!
i want to develop the skills or know the people with the skills to make all of these things possible!
i want to tell my story about sexual violence so that more women and men feel comfortable telling theirs
i want to give a hug and say thank you to Audre Lorde
i want to leave copies of the essay "The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action" everywhere i go
i want to learn how to fly (really really badly)... or at least have flying dreams more often
i want to let go of comparing myself to others, let go of envy, and embrace respect and admiration
i want to give away most of what i own...cleanse myself of things
i want to maintain a life that feels balanced and healthy.


Let all of this come to me in an easy and relaxed manner, in a healthy and joyous way! Please only bring to me the dreams that are divinely right for me and the best thing for the world…

what mondo beyondo, outlandish, wild & daring dreams are you wishing for these days? be brave and share in the comments below.