The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

[best read aloud, over and over until you feel every word.]


It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

~~~~~

Thanks to my dear dear friend Alyssa, for sending me this poem, which came my way long ago, but I'd since forgotten. It's the perfect timing, indeed, since over here asking myself these questions daily. And you? What would you want to know, if you could know anything at all about the deep & daring heart of the matter?

Radically Open Hearts & The Real Power to Change the World

What if your vision were so big, so holy, that you actually called on 1 billion people to dance in the streets until the violence STOPS?

What if you knew that our capacity for healing and our desire for a new world were actually that strong?

--That we've just been waiting all these years for someone to call us into our power?

I'm dumbfounded and speechless over Eve Ensler--in my opinion, one of the most revolutionary humans on Earth today. No vision is too big. No dream unattainable.

I mean--her life vision is to actually END violence against women, globally.

No half-hearted dreams for this woman. She's TIRED OF WAITING FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DREAM BIG. She's tired of WAITING for other people to come around about rape and violence in their own sweet (and lagging) time.

She's opened her heart so wide, so fearlessly, so boldly--that she's actually trudging through resistance and doubt--walking right past those voices of "reason" that say it'll never happen; war and rape and violence against women will always be reality.

Those voices of "reason" come from a deeply rooted source of denial--denial over the truth about how ugly and horrendous things have been for women (and men, and all living things). But there's no denial for Eve Ensler.

You can't deny the stories when they're told to you. You can't deny the broken woman standing before you, bullet through her head, genitalia in her hands. You simple cannot deny what you are shown in broad daylight.

This is the gift Eve Ensler has been given: she is shown the ugliest of truths.

But we are all given a gift. It's how we respond that makes us geniuses, or not.

What makes Eve Ensler a genius? What's her bedrock for complete and utter world-shaking instigation?

She has this thing down:

"The challenge of modernity is to live without illusions and without becoming disillusioned." -Antonio Gramsci 

She sees the truth and says "fuck it" in the same breath. Whatever she believes possible, is. She goes for it.

In this case--she insists on a better world for women; a world of peace, embodied.

Watch this video. Watch the glow around Eve as she talks: she knows so much how holy she is, how holy life is, and how much power we really have. She's going for the gold.



Tell me, friends. What would you really go for if you knew that anything were possible? That the world has been waiting and the time is NOW for embodiment?

A toast for us all

Stunning, brilliant, impeccably produced.

Hey lovers,

I haven't been dancing a ton. Something in me broke after that last video and I got majorly sick for a whole week. The body responds, right? Letting it all be what it is, not stressing about "finishing" the dance-a-thon, but still open to more dances if the spirit moves me. Instead, I've watched this video at least 20 times in the past few days, drooling over what a beautifully produced and executed vision Kanye had.

Anything brilliant or breathtaking come your way lately? Do share. I'd love to watch.
smooches,
rach

PS--For the dance-a-thon, I'd really like to donate to an organization doing information-exposure about FOXCONN or other major factories in China. I wouldn't be able to produce my dance movies without those factories. And the conditions within them majorly suck--despite the arguments made about job creation for workers. We can demand better for the people providing us with the chance for such privileged exchange of information. Anyone know of a good org? I've been searching, but so far, little luck beyond Mike Daisey (who is seriously, majorly awesome, by the way... maybe I'll just donate to him?)

The Dark Side of Becoming Whole

the first album cover in a long time that gives me pause--delighted, magical pause.

"You must go into the dark in order to bring forth your light. When we suppress any feeling or impulse, we are also suppressing its polar opposite. If we deny our ugliness, we lessen our beauty. If we deny our fear, we minimize our courage. If we deny our greed, we also reduce our generosity. Our full magnitude is more than most of us can ever imagine. If you believe that we have the imprint of all humanity within us, as I do, then you must be capable of being the greatest person you ever admired, and at the same time capable of being the worst person you ever imagined."

"Love is inclusive: it accepts the full range of human emotion--the emotions we hide, the emotions we fear. Jung once said, 'I'd rather be whole than good.' How many of us have sold ourselves out in order to be good, to be liked, to be accepted?"

-The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford

~~~~~~~

I didn't exactly know it, but I'd been doing a shit-ton of shadow work over the past few months. Then two weeks ago a coach brought it to my attention, so I started reading The Dark Side of the Light Chasers and everything began to click.

Where do I lie to myself? What parts of myself do I avoid? Who am I afraid to be? How am I closeted for the sake of being GOOD, rather than whole? 

In December at a coaching training I proclaimed to one of my classmates that 2012 would be the year for coming OUT. Then I quickly changed my mind and moved on.

But it was too late. Subconsciously, the idea was planted and the movement underway. I began dancing. I began dressing a differently. I began having conversations about radical relationships. I began saying what I was thinking instead of just thinking it. I stopped helping all the time. I fought with friends I'd never fought with before. I made messes!

Here I am, months into the process, still amidst some big messes but with a few bits of heart-felt clarity under my belt. I know now that revealing my whole self, to the best of my ability, feels like a powerful, vulnerable, beautiful, safe thing to do. And I want to highlight the "safe" part by saying this... this thing I'm learning and re-learning practically every day:

The most dangerous thing we could ever do is hide our holy truth.

Most of us can't be happy and hide forever. Eventually, if we want to live truly energizing and fulfilling lives, we have to come out--we have to see and accept all the different parts of ourselves. And then, we've got to speak the truth... we've got to tell the people we love... we've got to forge space to be ourselves and connect.

For that sizzling, sensual, vibration that runs from head to toe when you're really IN IT.
For the way they look at you, the way you capture their attention, because you're so unbelievably yourself.
For that sound sleep at night, even the nights when you're sleeping alone--especially the nights when you're sleeping alone.

Two suggestions for beginners: Start with the ending & Fess up.

What's that deep part of yourself that's just dying to be set free? To see the light of day in this marvelous, unspeakable world? Feel free to send e-mail, hand written letters or schedule an appointment to talk. Sometimes a safe place to start is with one dear soul who will listen with zero judgement.

Wishing us all the chance at inclusive love--at knowing and adoring our full range of humanness.

"By God, when you see your beauty, you'll be the idol of yourself." - Rumi

e-mail --> rachmadlove at gmail dot com
snail mail --> Rachael Maddox 710 Silver Spring Ave Silver Spring, MD 20910

If others learn first I must believe

Eat Rice Have Faith in Women
by Fran Winant

eat rice have faith in women
what I dont know now
I can still learn
if I am alone now
I will be with them later
if I am weak now
I can become strong
slowly slowly
if I learn I can teach others
if others learn first
I must believe
they will come back and teach me
they will not go away
to the country with their knowledge
and send me a letter sometime
we must study all our lives
women coming from women going to women
trying to do all we can with words
then trying to work with tools
and with our bodies
trying to stand the time it takes
reading books when there are no teachers
or they are too far away
teaching ourselves
imagining others struggling
I must believe we will be together
and build enough concern
so when I have to fight alone
there will be sisters
who would help if they knew
sisters who will come
to support me later

women demanding loyalty
each with our needs
our whole lives torn by
the old society
never given the love or work
or strength or safety or information
we could use
never helped by the institutions
that imprison us
so when we need medical care
we are butchered
when we need police
we are insulted ignored
when we need parents
we find robots
trained to keep us in our places
when we need work we are told
to become part of
the system that destroys us
when we need friends
other women tell us
I need to be selfish
youll have to forgive me
but theres only so much time
energy money concern
to go around
I have to think of myself
because who else will
I have to save things for myself
because Im not sure you could save me
if our places were reversed
because I suspect you wont even be around
to save me when I need you...
Im alone on the streets
at 5 in the morning
Im alone cooking my rice
I see you getting your knowledge
and having friends I dont have
and I dont see you coming back
to help me
I imagine myself getting old
I imagine I will have to go away
when Im too old to fight my way
down the streets
my friends getting younger and younger
women my age hidden in corners
in the establishment
or curled up with a few friends
isolated at home
or in the mad house
getting their last shot of
motivation to compete
or grinding out position papers
in the movement
like old commies
waiting to be swept away
by the revolution
or in a hospital
dying of complications
nurse or nun
lesbian in clean clothes
reach out a hand to me
scientists have found
touching is necessary
and the drive to speak our needs
is basic as breath
but there isnt time
none of my needs has been met
and although Im often comfortable
this situation is painful

slowly we begin
giving back what was taken away
our right to the control of our bodies
knowledge of how to fight and build
food that nourishes
medicine that heals
songs that remind us of ourselves
and make us want to keep on with
what matters to us
lets come out again
joining women coming out
for the first time
knowing this love makes
a good difference in us
affirming a continuing life with women
we must be lovers doctors soldiers
artists mechanics farmers
all our lives
waves of women
trembling with love and anger
singing we must rage--
kissing, turn and
break the old society
without becoming the names it praises
the minds it pays

eat rice have faith in women
what I dont know now
I can still learn
slowly slowly
if I learn I can teach others
if others learn first
I must believe
they will come back and teach me

Eternal Sunshine & a story from the beginning of our love

The other night, Brian and I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time since the beginning of our relationship. Back then I had little belief in true lasting love. Really. I was a hopeless romantic full of doubt. I wanted to be in love so badly, but I was terrified of coming close to it. Coming close to love had a way of triggering all my worst fears... If I start to love someone they surely won't love me back, If I want to be loved I can't be authentic, If I let my true self show it won't be enough, I am incapable of loving without judging and my judgments will ruin you, me and our love so let's just quit while we're ahead, I will break the heart of anyone who falls in love with me.

I can wholeheartedly say (and have said to many people) that Brian picked up all my shattered pieces and taught me how to love. And he did it by accepting me. He sat with all my neroutic fears and bundles of terror. He saw through them to the heart of who I was--a brave and hopeful girl who wanted to be in love but wasn't quite sure how.

I will never forget those nights, my first semester of college, sitting up late at night on his twin bed in his tiny apartment room, street lights flooding in through the blinds, tears flooding down my face and Brian simply listening. Those nights saved me. They gave me the chance to expose all my broken parts and have them held in tenderness. It was the biggest relief.

Us back then

But still, I tried to break up with him over and over again -- for no rational reason except that I was terrified, and that changing habits takes time. When that happened, he'd look me in the eye and ask, "How long do you want to hold on to your fear? You could refuse to commit for the rest of your life in the name of fear. But one day, you'll be ready to choose. And that day, you'll realize it's not all about who, but what. Love or fear. Do you love me?"

I did. I loved him so much and I knew it in my bones. It wasn't about him. It was about my inability to say "okay" to my terror. It was about my resistance to the way things were.

But Brian sat with me. And sitting with something, as is, will do incredible things. Open you to tenderness. Open you to the truth. Open you to acting with love over fear.

We watched Eternal Sunshine the other night, it hit me in huge ways. This is a clip from the very end of the movie. To catch you up to speed, in case you haven't seen it, Clementine and Joel fall in love, but after a year or so, Clementine decides erratically after a fight that she wants Joel erased from her memory completely. Joel finds out and decides the only way to cope is to do the same. The movie mostly consists of their beautiful memories as they're being erased by special neuro-docs. After both of their memories of one another have been erased, they re-meet and fall back in love. Only, a woman working for the memory doctor sends all past patients, Joel & Clementine included, tapes that were recorded pre-memory erasing, explaining why they wanted to erase that person from their memory. Leading up to this clip, Joel's listening to the tapes of what he said about Clementine, and she hears them. They're nasty and broken-hearted sounding. The way you would talk about someone who's hurt you so badly that you want them erased from you memory. But he's hearing them for the first time--his memory of her and their relationship totally blank. Reel the clip.



Eternal Sunshine

This scene in particular brought me back to those late nights on Brian's twin bed. My terror surfacing, his acceptance saving me. My fear jumping off bridges, his patience catching me. The act of saying "okay" is no small thing. I might need to remind myself over and over again of how beautiful and inspirational sitting with the messy parts of being human actually is. How it was that very thing, offered up by someone else, that gave me the most powerful relationship I've ever known. And how it is that very thing that can take me to wherever I dream of going.

Acceptance. Saying "okay". Knowing it really is.

A new habit worth forming.

So--in the name of practicing, I'll offer up some truth of how I am right now, as is. And I'll offer it with a quiet prayer for acceptance... May I hold myself with tenderness for all the ways my being manifests, past, future and present. Amen.

achey
tired
nervous about money
nervous about always putting myself out there
wiped
pensive
hopeful
over it
ready to take a bath and go to bed

Dear souls, how are you feeling right now? Feel free to show your true self in the comments below. Sometimes it takes being seen and accepted by another to begin seeing and accepting ourselves. We can practice being seen together. I'll honor you as you are.

big love,
rachael

How to be Alone

(Or part of what I'm practicing as I break from internet over-consumption...)



Happy Tuesday! I'm feeling great, by the way. This stepping-into-the-scary-unknown-thing isn't all too bad when I'm actually doing it.

Go on ~ you can do it, too! Close the lap top, turn off the cell phone, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and let your mind ask this question:

What do I really want to be doing right now?

Then ~ take another deep breath, a small moment of realizing that no one will live that experience for you, and give yourself a big dose of self-love... just do it.

You can ~ promise...

xoxo

seasons of us

You nights of anguish. Why didn't I kneel more deeply to accept you,
Inconsolable sisters, and, surrendering, lose myself
in your loosened hair. How we squander our hours of pain.
How we gaze beyond them into the bitter duration
To see if they have an end. Though they are really
Seasons of us, our winter...

-Rilke

i love keri smith.

i love her ideas (and the things that inspire her) so very much.

this, for instance.

"the problem today is -the only possible project (and young people should complete an active effort now) is working to ‘decondition’ people from the god of merchandise." -Enzo Mari

i both struggle with and am fascinated by ideas of deconditioning people from "the god of merchandise"... and the thousands of deeper layers of conditioning we've yet to free ourselves from.

it's only natural for me, after so much tedious production work, to surge full-force into innovation mode. and lately i've been playing with ideas of unfiltering and deconditioning my interactions with other human beings. for instance, learning about the unemployment in the city by talking with the unemployed as opposed to reading statistics in the paper. or standing next to a list of all my sexual preferences and being totally open to talking about them as opposed to letting a magazine ad vaguely and (most likely) incorrectly inform people of what i'm interested in. (hellloooo...everyone has individual, specific interests!)

i have ideas for a new collective of people who are committed to this kind of work in the public sphere--this kind of face-to-face, on-the-streets approach to learning about each other's lives. i see this movement as akin to the Do It Yourself movement that was a reaction to the distance and lack of ownership people were feeling in regards to the process of turning materials into goods. similarly, this Person-To-Person movement is a reaction to the constant filters through which we receive our information about others. i feel such distance from distance and lack of authentic connectedness that i feel with my community, my city, my generation.

"Case of You" + Art Updates

My jaw dropped at the beauty of this piece, as I sat watching on my parents couch. "Case of You" is one of my all time favorite songs, and I couldn't imagine a more perfect dance than this one to do the song justice.



~~~
In other news...

Things have been so busy around here that I didn't even tell you the exciting news! I opened an ETSY store featuring many original paintings that would make great gifts for the holidays! Check it out here!

It took me a hell-of-a-lot to breakthrough my neurosis, perfectionism and doubt and finally put up my ETSY store. And let me tell you, even though I'm happy it's there, I'm still coming up against major road blocks in my heart.

So this week I'm dedicated to giving myself the space I need to work through my frozen places. With slow walks in the crisp autumn air to this magical haven of mouth-watering empandas, phone dates with soul-sisters, The Wizard of Oz, jasmine incense, this highly enjoyable book (have I mentioned I love John Green?), and this challenging but essential one.

What about you? What are you committed to giving yourself this week--amidst the holiday craze and consumerism-extravaganza--What small refuge will you offer to yourself?

once the last absolutes were torn to pieces...

November 1968

Stripped
you're beginning to float free
up through the smoke of brushfires
and incinerators
the unleafed branches won't hold you
nor the radar aerials

You're what the autumn knew would happen
after the last collapse
of primary color
once the last absolutes were torn to pieces
you could begin

How you broke open, what sheathed you
until this moment
I know nothing about it
my ignorance of you amazes me
now that I watch you
starting to give yourself away
to the wind

-Adrienne Rich

This is my November poem. Thank you for writing, Adrienne Rich. For daring us to begin once we tear the last absolutes to pieces, once we shed our hefty layers. Your truth is magic to my ears.

feelin good, nina simone

Birds flyin' high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
yeah, its a new dawn its a new day its a new life for me ooooooooh
AND I'M FEELING GOOD

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River runnin' free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
And I'm feelin good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what i mean dont you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleepin' peace when day is done that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the crime you know how I feel
Your freedom is mine, and I know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
(Free styling)
OH I'M FEELING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

The words that are following me around

"When you wish, if it's a wish that's really integral to who you are, it presents new challenges. It doesn't just end there, with a state of fulfillment. It takes you to a new edge." - Noelle Oxenhandler

7 Rainy Day Treats

1. The daylight here video song by Lauren O'Connell and Nataly Dawn



2. delicious vegan chocolate chip cookies made by my adorable roommate, Alyssa
3. pumpkin spice coffee
4. $4 white wine from Yes! Organic Market
5. Project Runway
6. everything by Pomplamoose.
7. permission to stay indoors and paint until dark