isn't it a pity: the most beautiful meditation on heartbreak

isn't it a pity
isn't it a shame
yes, how we break each other's hearts
and cause each other pain

how we take each other's love
without thinking anymore
forgetting to give back
forgetting to remember
just forgetting and no thank you
isn't it a pity

some things take so long
but how do i explain
why not too many people can see
that we are all just the same
we're all guilty

--Isn't it a Pity by George Harrison, covered by Nina Simone

How to be yourself: an empty map for soul-finders near and far

begin to draw
any road or tree or key will do
whatever you draw will work
will fit
will find the next path or freeway
from then to now
to never knew it could be like this
heart spinning like slap-happy dizzy stumbling
holy holy moly love!--
this

or that--
again and again, frozen, lost in your creation
not sure which one or way came first
more like head spinning, ache, cry, whine, why is no one coming?
especially not me?
waaaaaaa!

this much, we guarantee:
you will let yourself down

down, so far into the underworld of optimism
that you'll wonder why anyone hopes at all
ashes, ashes--
the cool ground a sturdy stillness
of what it's like to get real
beyond laughter
beyond wailing
beyond it all

really, there is only this
only you, no matter how it shakes out
no matter how you wish you were
there is only this, only you
only this, only you

repeating like a meditation as you lay curled
in the shadowed surrender of coming to terms
until you know the land well enough to crawl your way around
and crawl you will--
the strong bone of your forearm learning how to lean
without collecting so many bruises
the fragile cap of your knee like lite feet dancing across coals of fire
and your soft whispering monologues recited like a Lakota--
knowing every ditch and daffodil between you and the
infinite horizon

you are collecting your secret passageways
you are collecting the language of birds
you are collecting the stars as they shine, shine, shine by the moon
you are collecting lovers and companions and heartbreaks and stories for the grandchildren
you are collecting your own evaporation, body melting in the heat of the truth
you are collecting everything you need
and it will all burn

brightly, with fury
without an ounce of fear
it will burn
and so will you
your map outliving you for just a moment longer
until it, too, floats
like a legacy
like a red balloon into a light blue abyss
up, up, up
silent
free
here
gone

everything burns
brightly
ever more reason
to throw yourself in
fully

Grieve like you really mean it. A freestyle poem for tough times.

Freestyle, no edits. From my body, to my heart, to my mouth, to your ears. (With some fun technology tossed in the middle).

The audio, in real-time:

 (5 minutes)

Grieve like you really mean it

grieve like you really mean it because life is hard but you’re still alive, you still have this

this

this look out the window at the bird on the shovel hanging out of the wheelbarrow in the afternoon light

you still have this

this shadow of the chair standing still against the wall while the shadow of the leaves dance around it

you still have this

your beautiful body in the mirror, that woman you’re learning to make peace with amidst all the pain, all the things you never thought it would come to

grieve like you mean it because you are still alive

and it is a blessing to feel sadness so deep

sadness you want to find someone else to blame for

sadness you want to break things over

sadness you wish you didn’t have to feel

yes—I’m talking to you

to that part of you that knows, not in your head, but in your body

how badly you need the sadness

for all those winters you avoided the cold

for all those summers you stayed by the fan

for all the times it rained and you had an umbrella

you need the sadness

us humans are good at creating shelters, homes to live in, comfort, stability

but even we cannot avoid the pain that comes with being alive

even we have a price to pay

and maybe it’s not so physical

maybe we don’t as often suffer the terror of tsunami

or the chill of a tornado… ripping and ravaging our towns

but we are left broken-hearted

we are left alone in our rooms when we thought we had forever

we are left at the doormat of the home we no longer recognize because it is not embodied and imbued with the life of our parents or our children

we suffer, we suffer despite our shelters

suffer like you mean it

wail. do not wait.

wail loudly. now.

if there is suffering in your heart, find the song, find the poem, find the picture that breaks you apart and let go.

you deserve it.

to know that you are part of all things that have to suffer

it is the price we pay for life, it is the price we pay for beauty, it is the price we pay for breathing and for smiling and for laughing and for orgasming and for kissing and for eating delicious foods and tasting blueberries explode in our mouths; it is the price we pay

it is its own form of beauty

all that have had a lump stuck in their throat for years know that when they finally break down in tears, it is freedom

grieve like you mean it

grieve like you mean it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

The invitation:

Deep loves,

I've been in a dark hour of the soul over here, transitioning and growing up in ways I was never expecting. My answers to these questions are emerging like flies on the wall; an overflowing trashcan, asking to be emptied into poems:

• What’s between you and that life-changing release of grief? 
• What gets in the way of letting your guard down and letting it all out? 
• When you do… when you grieve like you really mean it, what are you letting in?
• What or who are you forgiving?
• And what happens, in your body, as you go through this experience?

The comments are yours for the taking. Simmer on it. Speak to us. Or muse in your own private space. Extra credit if you're currently in an especially tender spot in your life.

I honor and appreciate you so much for being here.

madlymadly for you,

rachael

a tree to existence: on loneliness

they think i just go through the motions, emotionless, at peace
but there are days--days and days and days
of dying and dancing and dangling by a tired thread

even we fear the claw, the coming winter,
the winds at night when no one is watching
even we taste the sour scent of rotted skin and flesh
lying lifeless beneath our reach

even we are overwhelmed by our
brightest moments--
our olive greens, our sage and steadfast stance
our giving and giving and giving
that asks for nothing in return

what alive knows not terror?
what living thing fears not the ultimate loss?

who that has died, would not answer Yes!
to all the torture and triumph,
all the wishing it weren't so,
given the chance to cry and shout out--
branches naked and free amidst a quiet sky?

~~~

for the trees, and bindu, and me and you and him and her and all the suffering in this wild world.

When you fear yourself... and there's nowhere else to turn.

Turn in.

What's asking to be born?
What part of you, in hiding, is just dying to see the light of day?
Who would you let yourself be, if you knew you'd be loved unconditionally?

Your partner, lover, friends, family--they won't always know how to love you without pause.
But hiding does not make you immune from judgement.
Denying who you are does not free you up to be liked, loved, admired, or praised.

It's a ruthless world of energy and emotion.
Our happiness, our joy, our satisfaction--is because we choose to open.
--Open to all that we are, all that is, all that will be and has been.
We open authentically, with acceptance, tenderness and love blazing the trail.

It's not an easy opening, always. Especially not at first.
New habits take time and practice.
But closing off is no safe bet, either. 

After all, you may know the impulsive rage of constantly fidgeting for the next distraction.
You may know the fatigue that comes when you never stop swimming.
You may know the disappointment that comes when you never dive in at all.

And then, there's opening.
There's learning how to be with every impossibly beautiful and unlikely but loveable part of yourself.
There's learning that there's no real difference between one thing and the next.
We're all made up of love--all of us--every part.

That's why when I coach, I almost always ask my clients to be with this question:

If I loved and accepted every part of who I am, what would I stand to gain?

Journal on this question for 30 days, I tell them. Walk with it. Let it sink into your psyche just as you're about to go back into auto-pilot. See what shifts for you. For me, this tiny question moves mountains--opens me to a resounding truth on a pathway toward my next bold move.

from a cozy couch with quiet rain fall behind me and this song on repeat...
madlove and sweetness,
rachael

The Dark Side of Becoming Whole

the first album cover in a long time that gives me pause--delighted, magical pause.

"You must go into the dark in order to bring forth your light. When we suppress any feeling or impulse, we are also suppressing its polar opposite. If we deny our ugliness, we lessen our beauty. If we deny our fear, we minimize our courage. If we deny our greed, we also reduce our generosity. Our full magnitude is more than most of us can ever imagine. If you believe that we have the imprint of all humanity within us, as I do, then you must be capable of being the greatest person you ever admired, and at the same time capable of being the worst person you ever imagined."

"Love is inclusive: it accepts the full range of human emotion--the emotions we hide, the emotions we fear. Jung once said, 'I'd rather be whole than good.' How many of us have sold ourselves out in order to be good, to be liked, to be accepted?"

-The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford

~~~~~~~

I didn't exactly know it, but I'd been doing a shit-ton of shadow work over the past few months. Then two weeks ago a coach brought it to my attention, so I started reading The Dark Side of the Light Chasers and everything began to click.

Where do I lie to myself? What parts of myself do I avoid? Who am I afraid to be? How am I closeted for the sake of being GOOD, rather than whole? 

In December at a coaching training I proclaimed to one of my classmates that 2012 would be the year for coming OUT. Then I quickly changed my mind and moved on.

But it was too late. Subconsciously, the idea was planted and the movement underway. I began dancing. I began dressing a differently. I began having conversations about radical relationships. I began saying what I was thinking instead of just thinking it. I stopped helping all the time. I fought with friends I'd never fought with before. I made messes!

Here I am, months into the process, still amidst some big messes but with a few bits of heart-felt clarity under my belt. I know now that revealing my whole self, to the best of my ability, feels like a powerful, vulnerable, beautiful, safe thing to do. And I want to highlight the "safe" part by saying this... this thing I'm learning and re-learning practically every day:

The most dangerous thing we could ever do is hide our holy truth.

Most of us can't be happy and hide forever. Eventually, if we want to live truly energizing and fulfilling lives, we have to come out--we have to see and accept all the different parts of ourselves. And then, we've got to speak the truth... we've got to tell the people we love... we've got to forge space to be ourselves and connect.

For that sizzling, sensual, vibration that runs from head to toe when you're really IN IT.
For the way they look at you, the way you capture their attention, because you're so unbelievably yourself.
For that sound sleep at night, even the nights when you're sleeping alone--especially the nights when you're sleeping alone.

Two suggestions for beginners: Start with the ending & Fess up.

What's that deep part of yourself that's just dying to be set free? To see the light of day in this marvelous, unspeakable world? Feel free to send e-mail, hand written letters or schedule an appointment to talk. Sometimes a safe place to start is with one dear soul who will listen with zero judgement.

Wishing us all the chance at inclusive love--at knowing and adoring our full range of humanness.

"By God, when you see your beauty, you'll be the idol of yourself." - Rumi

e-mail --> rachmadlove at gmail dot com
snail mail --> Rachael Maddox 710 Silver Spring Ave Silver Spring, MD 20910

more like mirrors

you just want it to go away,

like the song from your childhood...

come again another day.

but the rain rarely listens to your song

and neither does grief.

the important stuff knows when it's needed--

whether you like it, or not.

the clouds know when it's time to unleash,

your body knows when a monsoon's in order,

the earth knows when it can't withhold the crack.

we are not ones to fight nature,

to think we know what's best and when.

we are more like ants

than we've yet to embrace,

dancing perfect synchronicity without

as much as a word,

being stepped on without

as much as a chance

to escape.

ants being ants being ants.

we are more like freedom.

you just want it to go away,

the idea of war or domination

or greed or separation.

a translucent desperation

staring you in the face.

name the pain, the pang it leaves.

the important stuff knows when it's needed--

we can become more like mirrors than

organized shelves.

we can become more like ants

meandering our mazes,
making new ones,
holding three times our weight,

singing in silence,

letting loss be loss be loss.

the important stuff knows when it's needed--

like it, or not.

A Note on Wisdom and Growing Up Slowly

You can move molasses speed, sweet friend. There is no need to get wise fast. No need at all. (Not even for your job, your survival, your cash flow). When you walk an honest path, you will endure true suffering as your mind/body/spirit morphs into new shapes of being. Thank god. Your suffering is your salvation because it never stays forever--and when it's moved on and done with you, you will feel calm, content, slap-happy, even, over all the good times (echt-em... raging arguments) you two had together. Looking back, you will regard your suffering as your most trusted friend. Your most reverent teacher. Divine. And you will be right to do so. She was the one willing to offer up some tough love, as the rest stood by, afraid you couldn't handle it.

Suffering knows your strength. (And you are strong, no matter how pervasive your suffering. Promise.)

So take it slow. Feel every ounce of doubt, fear, inadequacy, loneliness, numbed-out-in-terror defenses. Breathe in how little you know. Let a 7-year-old comfort your fragility. Know how far into the dark you're willing to walk. Get dirty with the edges of your sanity. Say "fuck it" and then say it again. Cry and throw in the towel while everyone else crosses the finish line in record time.

To develop resilience with your suffering, you have to suffer. No need to avoid it. No need to cover up pain with wisdom, answers or ego. No need to get ahead.

Nothing feels more false than the hallow knock on ego's "answers". So let down the facade with care and compassion. Soften your body to the deep release of surrender. Sob if you have to. All day long is just fine. In the middle of the grocery store is just fine. At church when everyone else appears to be just fine... is just fine.

Your aching uncertainty is a jackpot of life experience.

Take your time with it, sweet friend. Walk slowly.

You can